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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh fuck, I really need a hand holding tonight.

185 replies

HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 02:16

Just found out that dh is cheating on me.... He's been out on the lash tonight and yet again he texted to say he's staying up in town. I texted him to ask if he was having an affair, he went all coy on me, pretending he didn't know what I was talking about. But I found his online dating profile on his iPad and his browsing history had searches for 5 star hotels in Dublin. We're not planning to go to Dublin. He's just said he's coming home to talk.... And now I'm shitting myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 19:54

Can't you AF? I can. You learn how to be a parent and spouse from your own parents. Some people are strong enough and intuitive enough to realise that their parents are crap. But the bottom line is that many many people don't because ultimately those people are their parents. And you're supposed to love and respect your parents even when they don't deserve that love and respect.

I had massive issues with my mum bending over backwards to please her horrible father. She was desperate for him to approve of her. I could never understand why. H is the same. He's desperate to succeed where his father failed to show him how great he is.

Of course none if this excuses him from being an utter arse , but it does explain it for me.

The perv FB group is not part of the same thing though... That I will accept.

OP posts:
andsmile · 10/04/2014 19:56

AF role models, scripts, schema, whatever you want to term them. you learn them through attachments during childhood. there are four types.

these can persist or be changed depends on who you meet/environment

so it is quite possible you can be affected by your childhood 'blueprint'

But I do agree he has 'thought' on his feet. If he is aware he has had a shitty childhood that he knows affects his behaviours then he needs to take responsibiliity for it and stop using it to justify shitty choices and behaviour.

MarthasHarbour · 10/04/2014 20:07

But what about the messages from that other website onto his email? What about the profile saying he is 24?

Sorry you are going through this OP but - the facebook group - i would never excuse DH sending 'you show me yours i'll show you mine' pics.

I do understand why you are trying to find a way through this, really i do. But i couldnt trust him again - ever.

andsmile · 10/04/2014 20:12

my DH was chatting to someone on FB, complimented her on her nails - I threw a skepp as we have previously had an issue that got sorted and he overstepped an agreed boundary. The cock and fanny pics - thats just childish IMO but yes something I would be seriously questioning.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 20:16

OP, I was specifically talking about the sex sites he has been actively participating with. A crap upbringing does not rationalise that.

A shouty upbringing...maybe that's all you know how to get your point across. I'll buy that.

Displaying your dick to strangers and browsing vaginas ?

Not sure where that fits in....unless he is saying he grew up surrounded by the open use of porn around minors and his parents regularly put up photos of their genitals down the local town hall (a generation past equivalent of what he has been doing)

StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2014 20:16

Hf did your mother make excuses for your father's behaviour?

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 20:20

Excusers and rationalisers, please think about what you are saying

This bloke is a skank

The End

SocialNeedier · 10/04/2014 20:29

Having a shitty childhood might make you a shitty partner and parent. But I can't see why it would logically follow that a shitty childhood makes you want to put pictures of your cock online. Or create a dating profile telling people you're 24.

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 20:32

SN, it's quite incomprehensible to me that people would think it could come anywhere close Confused

Lizzylou · 10/04/2014 20:36

Oh God, Headfairy, I am so sorry.
Am completely with AF on this as well, no amount of shitty Father role model/work stress would excuse joining some teen "I'll show you mine, you show me yours" hideous site, just wrong.
I am sorry but if you are serious about working things out he needs to be seriously taking responsibility, he is fucking 43 after all!

SocialNeedier · 10/04/2014 20:38

My childhood was a lot worse than op's partner's sounds and I've never put a pic of my vagina online behind my DP's back.

I sense OP is being fed a load of bolleaux and suspect OP is in danger of falling for it.

bumbleymummy · 10/04/2014 20:48

I have seen 'bad childhoods' be used to excuse much worse things than this tbh. We don't know the details of his childhood so I don't think it's fair to pass judgement on how he may have been affected.

Headfairy, it looks like you have a long, rocky road ahead to get past of all of this (if you can/want to) but at least you are talking and hopefully counselling will help. I wish you all the best for the future.

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 20:52

To be clear, he never used his shitty dad as an excuse for putting those pictures up. I've already said that was a separate issue.

The shit father explains a lot about the pressure he puts on himself, and his subsequent reaction (drinking and staying out late) at his failures.

I don't even know where to start with the cock pictures. I know he's frustrated by how tough things are now. Aren't we all? I don't particularly like working long gruelling shifts for not much money, I'd much rather my life was one long holiday with long lie ins and long slow shags. But unfortunately that's not how it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 20:57

The more I think about it though, the more I think a crap dad can lead to all sorts of behaviour.

He never had anyone to show him how to be a proper man. His dad ran off with another woman when his marriage hit the rocks. That's not what real men do, it's what wimps do. H may not have gone as far as his dad, but he's following the same pattern of behaviour.

I think sometimes it takes a woman to show them how to behave like a proper man.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 20:58

That's probably a load of old bollocks, I've had a few ciders now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 20:59

Drinking. Staying out late. Disrespecting you. Shouting at his kids. Joining interactive sex sites. Posting pictures of his cock. Dating profiles.

Is this what you hoped for in a relationship when you were growing up ?

is that what your parents slogged and make sacrifices for ?

You deserve better, OP

This one is defective. Throw him back where he came from. You cannot fix him, but you can certainly destroy your self respect trying.

Lizzylou · 10/04/2014 21:00

Well HF, only you know your husband and your marriage and if he is worth making the extra effort for. I really, really hope that things work out ok.

GuineaPigGaiters · 10/04/2014 21:01

And the eating pussy search. Unless he's started to be overly attentive in that department I'd be wondering why he needs that sort of search??

AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:01

Yes, that is absolute bollocks and you know it

Put the cider away and have a cup of sensible tea

FGS, how much shit are you prepared to eat to hold onto this prick ?

Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:01

AF, there was no dating site. There was only one Facebook perv group.

Actually, does that make a difference? I dunno.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeadFairy · 10/04/2014 21:02

Yeah guineapig, he hasn't come up with an adequate excuse for that one yet.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/04/2014 21:06

Just found out that dh is cheating on me.... He's been out on the lash tonight and yet again he texted to say he's staying up in town. I texted him to ask if he was having an affair, he went all coy on me, pretending he didn't know what I was talking about. But I found his online dating profile on his iPad and his browsing history had searches for 5 star hotels in Dublin.

^^ from your opening post

Itsfab · 10/04/2014 21:06

HeadFairy - I am really shocked this is you. I have always thought of you as strong and together but what he has done seems to have changed you. Not surprisingly.

Shitty childhoods can mean you do stupid stuff but it is all still a choice. He really sounds like a prick tbh and I really hope he isn't playing you.

CuntyBunty · 10/04/2014 21:14

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, HeadFairy. Non of this is consensual, on your part, that is the problem. You aren't a prude or an un-cool wife. You did not choose or consent to this. He fucking did, though. Please think on that and treat yourself well.

inhibernation · 10/04/2014 21:15

Sorry you are going through this. It's interesting how some men turn guilt about their inability to be a great husband/dad into a totally self-indulgent ego trip. You'd think he would want to improve things but instead he posts pictures of his knob on fb.