is this classed as cheating?

[alix300689]

OK, here we go. Me and my partner. have been together 2 years and have an 8 myth old son together, I recently went for a holiday with my son to my mothers up north. While I was away my partner propositioned the town bike for sex 5 days in from me leaving and he got rejected but kept harassing her for days after, I came home he seemed different and I asked him if there's any explaining to do and carried on normal. He goes to work I stay at home and look after bub. We live in a small town of probably 100people mind you. I went to the shop Sunday afternoon for ice cream and movies and while there I had this woman approach me and ask to have a 'word' outside. She proceeded to tell me that my partner had drove to her property and coersed her into sex but nothing had happened, I couldn't look at her and got in my car and went home. Immediately confronted him which he denied all and he then got in the car to confront her, apparently she wasn't there. All was well and I just thought she is a delusional beeexh. Monday I got her number and rang her and she had said she seen my partner yesterday and he threatened her to not say a word because he would lose his family. He was at work so i asked this lady to send the messages to me and Iforwarded them to him, and told him he was guilty due to lying to me already about Sunday. I packed my bags and sons stuff and wasn't far off leaving. He came home and I agreed to stay on the terms we seek counselling and work thru this. I'm devastated and he has admitted it and remorseful and sorry but using the excuse that nothing happened so iys OK?? Arrrrgh

Oxfordbag: As you are not a female, you would not know how it feels on the other receiving end. I presume that you are a guy. I do not need to be bullied into accepting and acknowledging your views here.

The OP asked, is the guy cheating on her. Yes he is. This is clear.
Would I go ahead and accuse someone else's partner of "rape" when nothing has indeed happened here ? NO, I would not be SO disrespectful either. The law is by facts. If the woman who was harassed would want to press for charges, then she is entitled, but she deliberately wanted to deal with it another way.

May I ask for some respect for me also on my opinion. Because I find what you say to me as extremely rude, and you are projecting a lot on "what ifs" and actually starting to exaggerate on what the OP's partner will or won't do. Let her assess the situation and deal with it according to herself. I am not justifying or excusing the guy, I hardly know him, but I am asking for some objectivity here.

Thank you. And don't call me naive, thanks! It is not like you have all the information in front of you to be able to assess the context of the situation. So let this be what it is. May I also remind you that you are also accusing me of many things that I did not say. Please do not deduce what I did not write. I truly resent this.

"And knowing someone, and being somewhere familiar does not make rape or attempted rape something other than what it is. You have some very naive ideas about sexual assault."

I have acknowledged based on what the OP wrote, and everything else is speculation. I do not wish to enter into a "witch hunt" situation. Because it seems like you wish to do that, but I still need to judge a situation by the actions done. It's called being realistic!

I am a woman, Maisie, and I'm sorry for your experience, but he did try to rape that poor woman who is considered "the town bike", then he threatened her and, what is worse, one gets the impression that "the town bike" is considered fair game.

I am female. It is fact, not opinion maise, that most rapists are known by the victim.

I think the only argument against calling this man a rapist is that this woman managed to get him to stop. Bit of a technicality really.

Yes, I'm a woman too. Your views are incoherent and frankly just factually inaccurate Maisie.

Whether someone is a rapist/attempted rapist is defined by whether they raped/attempted to rape someone. Most rapists/attempted rapists know their victims, are even in relationships with their victims (hence the op being at risk). Your argument is basically (looking at it from the rapist's perspective) you are entitled to have sex with someone you know whether or not they consent, the better you know them the less their consent matters.

I don't think your views are naive I think they are dangerously wrong.

As far as the ex gfs go, well know he wouldn't necessarily have tried to rape them because he is most likely suffering from a Madonna/whore syndrome. That's why he targeted the woman he saw as the 'town bike'.

And it's not called 'being realistic' it is minimising sexual violence against women and encouraging an op to keep herself and her son in a family with a man who has shown he will commit sexual violence against women.

Why on earth have u told half the town about this?

You've made every excuse in the book to dismiss what he's done and ignored really good advice. Do u feel trapped because you don't work and that u have to put up with such shit??

Figster I think most of us are struggling to understand the OP's geographical situation - a town of 100 people. I include myself in this puzzlement. I live near to a small village, and having just checked Wikipedia it had a population of 96 at the last census.

Erm, I AM a female, Maisie - AND a rape survivor.

What a weird presumption to make. And what I stated were facts. Their truth doesn't change depending on the sex of the person delivering them.

She might have dropped a 0 or two, or have changed the numbers to disguise the location.

Not that it is terribly relevant. The "town bike" could have lined up all the men in the hamlet/village/town and shagged them one after the other in the pub carpark. It still doesn't mean she can't say no when there's one she doesn't want. And his harassing her for days afterwards is predatory, if not actually criminal.

Also, since when are stating some facts 'bullying' or having no respect for you. Indeed, your long tirade against me is what would more likely constitute bullying or disrespect.

You say I have accused you of 'many things', when I merely pointed out two very well-known facts. I also DO have the information at my fingertips, as I am an active feminist who studies issues such as this. Even if I did not have the info 'right in front of me', the things I stated are very well-known and established by most people. Do not take your personal issues out on me or others.

medi my comments regarding the town did not relate to the man's victim.

Oxfordred: It is clear to me that you are a true true "feminist" whatever that means, but that does not justify you disrespecting another woman when she shares her story with you online, on the internet. This is not Question Time.

As a bystander, I could read in her words and her tone, how upset she is getting by the choice of words that others are using, and how they are blowing the situation way above and beyond what is happening in her own personal circumstances. Please have some integrity and think before you write and state and accuse others as if this is the "right" definition.

She has to make up her own mind on things, and not take on your views of your life, based on your information. That is called bullying.

I also want to say this much, in case you did not receive it loud and clear. I am not judging the man more than what is written here. I am not adding extra speculation on what has not been said or written. I am sitting here on the fence and that is it. Please do not use words, or to assume that I am justifying him either way. I would appreciate it if you can take it at that and leave it at that. As adults, I assume that you can indeed respect others' opinions and speculate no more and no less.

I feel sorry for the girl, and I can indeed sympathsize. I dare say that she has a lot to digest and to deal with emotionally. So let's give her some space, huh ?

Of course everyone feels sorry for her, how ridiculous to feel you have some kind of monopoly on sympathy! You are confusing support with agreement IMO and focusing far too much on agreeing with the op and not on the other people/dangers involved.

There is no speculation involved to say that a man who goes to a woman's house and tries to 'coerce' her into sex she does not want is committing a sexual offence. It sounds from the words the op used as though he actually attempted to rape her but at the very least committed a sexual offence. Then he proceeded to sexually and otherwise harass and threaten her.

What on earth are you thinking to support her view that he has cheated, the victim of his abuse is some sort or dangerous temptress and things will be fine with therapy? To ignore the drugs. That 'things' are different because he knows her. So dangerous and irresponsible for the op herself and her baby as well as the 'town bike'.

It is not about respecting your opinion, you cannot have a valid opinion about whether something is illegal when it blatantly is factually. You can disagree about whether something should be illegal but I don't see how that would be helpful on here.

Additionally, no-one has a right to not be offended. Sometimes offending someone is the right action if for exam

Thank you for pointing out what you perceive as my character flaws by doing to me exactly what you accuse me of doing. I love irony. There's nothing like being told off for trying to tell someone else what to do by someone telling you exactly what to do.

Bloody hell, I only pointed out two well-known and accepted facts about rape to you. I dread to think what your reactions are like when people actually properly criticise you.

And now, can you stop hijacking this thread, and making me the focus of your self-obsessed nonsense (plenty of other posters have been harsher to you than me, and to the OP, I don't know why you've latched onto me, but please address that within your own self). You keep writing long posts being unpleasant to me under the guise of supporting the OP, but it's just turning the thread into being about you.

Oops - for example they are peddling rape apologist views and blaming the victims of violence, even if they are likely to be on the receiving end of that violence themselves at some stage.

My sympathy takes the form of respecting other women enough not to want them to stay in a relationship with a man who treats her appallingly, and, by his own admission, sounds like he tried to rape a vulnerable person. Such a man will also be a cery damaging influence on the OP's child. Wanting them to be free of such a man is sympathy, Maisie.

If Op only takes 1 of the pieces of advice given to her on here then she will be better informed. I hope it is treating all women with more respect, including herself.

I haven't read everything. Perhaps I should have... Let me know if RTFT is important.

Anyway,

Yes it's bloody cheating.

Yes he sounds like an absolute twat.

No she isn't the town bike. She's a good woman for telling you and clearly does have good morals. You should thank her.

No he isn't going to kill himself. He's an immature attention seeker.

Yes you should LTB but if you don't want to then you can work through it.

Rask I don't mean this in a provoking manner at all, but why did you write that, after 194 posts?

You mean why comment after 194 replies with basically the same stuff or what? Sorry if I'm being slow. Was my response not relevant?

I'm really not trying to be confrontational Rask, just curious really.

I meant, why post that after A) not reading the thread and, B) after 194 posts. Either you imagine nobody has had the same insight as you and therefore already said it or that what you have to say is more important than you reading what has already been said, so it takes priority. Neither of these are very nice reasons, so I feel I am missing something.
I must admit, one reason I don't post without reading the thread (and I read far more threads than I contribute on) is in case there's been a development mid-thread that will either make my post stupid or hurtful or both.

I read a lot of it not all of it.

Other people were saying the same and I was agreeing with them. If it's pointless to post when you agree with someone then no thread would be longer than 2 replies.

You could have asked the same to many of the people who said similar to me, why didn't you? Just curious

Because you said you hadn't read the thread...

I was asking myself the same question! I think it makes sense within the first 10 to 15 posts. I think it helps the OP to see that an opinion is a majority opinion, given that somebody such as an abusive partner may have persuaded her otherwise.

After 194 posts, not so much.

Said I haven't read everything...