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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this classed as cheating?

208 replies

alix300689 · 09/04/2014 09:55

OK, here we go. Me and my partner. have been together 2 years and have an 8 myth old son together, I recently went for a holiday with my son to my mothers up north. While I was away my partner propositioned the town bike for sex 5 days in from me leaving and he got rejected but kept harassing her for days after, I came home he seemed different and I asked him if there's any explaining to do and carried on normal. He goes to work I stay at home and look after bub. We live in a small town of probably 100people mind you. I went to the shop Sunday afternoon for ice cream and movies and while there I had this woman approach me and ask to have a 'word' outside. She proceeded to tell me that my partner had drove to her property and coersed her into sex but nothing had happened, I couldn't look at her and got in my car and went home. Immediately confronted him which he denied all and he then got in the car to confront her, apparently she wasn't there. All was well and I just thought she is a delusional beeexh. Monday I got her number and rang her and she had said she seen my partner yesterday and he threatened her to not say a word because he would lose his family. He was at work so i asked this lady to send the messages to me and Iforwarded them to him, and told him he was guilty due to lying to me already about Sunday. I packed my bags and sons stuff and wasn't far off leaving. He came home and I agreed to stay on the terms we seek counselling and work thru this. I'm devastated and he has admitted it and remorseful and sorry but using the excuse that nothing happened so iys OK?? Arrrrgh

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 09/04/2014 15:28

Well, if you are genuine alix you need to take notice of the posters that gave you very good advice earlier on. Get him out of the house. If he is ill/sorry/having a break down/has a drug problem he must sort that out whilst not being under the same roof as a baby. If you just forgive him for this, quite frankly appalling behaviour then you are giving him free reign to do whatever the fuck he likes to you and your son in the future. Really, being a good Mother is seeing this for yourself. I wish you clarity and luck.

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2014 15:29

OP he IS that kind of person. You just don't want to believe it.

TheLadyRadishes · 09/04/2014 15:29

Well, the women on here do know about blokes, from years of experience and from so many stories of similar behaviour shared on here. We are telling you about red flags (kicking off when you leave the house, sexual aggression, disrespect to women, suicide threats if you say you'll leave) because they have been shown many times before to be indicators of abusive men.

It is possible - though very unlikely - that this is a wonderful man who has had some kind of bizarre medical personality change. But what is making that seem less of a possibility is that he has previous for trying to stop you from going away. So we have already had red flags for abusive behaviour for some time.

Of course you don't want to believe it, people don't. I hope you tread carefully though and please keep an open mind. If he shows you more evidence of being abusive or violent, I hope you will take notice.

(And I'm not just talking about cheating. Cheating is not the only unacceptable thing that can happen in a relationship.)

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 09/04/2014 15:33

Hey Alix, you don't actually have to decide once and for all now whether to carry on or break up. Have you thought about asking him to move out for a couple of weeks, to give you some time to think properly?

I get that you don't want to leave him. Honestly, people are listening. But you have to think how easily you're swallowing what he's done here. What's he learning? That he can harass other women (imagine if he did that to your friend or sister?! wouldn't you hate him for it?), try to cheat on you, and try to threaten someone into sex, and you will make his excuses without a second thought. He's just learning that he can be shit to you and shit to other people and you will suck it up. He may seem strung out and apologetic, and other people (people who AREN'T in a relationship with him) are being kind about him, but inside he might well be thinking you're an idiot.

HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 15:37

People are advising you.

People are not blaming you for his choices.

People are trying to get you to not blame yourself for his choices.

But you have a very fixed idea of what constitutes help or advice and appear to be seeing anything outside that as an attack upon you, which it is not.

Advice is not 'telling you what you want to hear in order that you don't have to make difficult choices'. If you expected to tell people what he has done and have them tell you how to bring the romance back to your relationship then you have lost all ability to see the situation as people reading it can see it.

But you have been told, more than once, that it is all your choice. Because advice is all it is. Not a command. It may not be the advice you want to hear, but that does not mean it is not advice. It's not right to get angry with people because they aren't telling you what you want to hear.

scrufhead · 09/04/2014 15:39

'he's not that sort of man'... actions speak louder than words.

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 15:41

Yes I see, thank you and sorry I'm just highly blown away at this, possibly be a good idea if he goes for a while because clearly I'm not coping well and I need to be 100% for my son

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 09/04/2014 15:44

Definitely a good idea alix, I am glad you are starting to see it.

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 15:45

I'm trying to put it aside it hurts and I'm currently on the phone to a counseling agency to speak about it. I'm just hurting and angry

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 15:45

I'm trying to put it aside it hurts and I'm currently on the phone to a counseling agency to speak about it. I'm just hurting and angry

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 15:46

Your whole world has been ripped apart. Frankly I'd be more worried if you weren't upset and emotional.

Please understand that nobody is blaming you for anything and you must not blame yourself for his choices.

You don't have to make a decision now. You have basically had a sledgehammer to your head! But you do need to know that you have choices and to think carefully about them and you need to find a way to be able to look at what he has done and really think about it.

Is there anybody in RL that you can talk to who is going to listen and be there for you and who won't focus on him and what a 'great guy' he is? Because you probably need a lot of time to talk about all of your feelings, your choices, how conflicted you are and, again, just another guess, maybe to rant and shout about it all?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 09/04/2014 15:46

He IS that type of man, you are just the unlucky woman that found it out. If he wants to get therapy, counselling etc, fine, but he does it because he recognises he has a problem and wants to stop it, he won't. Seriously, listen to the wise heads here, he is an abusive bully just finding his feet, and in fact I bet if his "friends" were honest I bet there would be red flags all over his past. Distance yourself, be a good mum and don't let him back anywhere near your dc until...in fact DONT LET HIM BACK.

Only1scoop · 09/04/2014 15:47

Not read the whole thread....

Sounds awful....pressuring someone for sex and then threatening them not to say anything.

Lying pathetic loser. What a complete turn off for you.

Get rid.

OxfordBags · 09/04/2014 15:48

I wouldn't call attempting to rape someone a 'man crisis'. It's legally called a sex crime. If you really do want the best for your son, you don't bring him up in a home with a father who takes hard drugs, is a misogynist, has no respect for his mother, and is a failed rapist.

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 15:50

Most definitely keeping an open mind and will not tolerate an inch further or I will go to the police myself. I truly believe he is remorseful and will not act upon anything like this again. I hope to come back and say I'm right. I highly doubt it too right this moment but I'm going to give it a shot and prove himself. May take years for me to come to terms and he may never do it...who knows but im going to try as hard as he will

OP posts:
maras2 · 09/04/2014 15:53

With your use of the vernacular I assume that you're Aussie . If so , heres some advice ; lose the drongo . Kick his druggy arse out for good and plan a decent life for you and your child . < can't bare to type bubs >

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 15:55

And no my family is 1800kms away in Cairns I have no one, I'm surrounded by a town of people he grew up in. All I have is my son and a few support agency's to call and have got the ball rolling because he said he will try and he booked the GP today and i booked to see family counselling along with getting still checks. I'm not willing to give up on him. I'm just shocked and disgraced at the fact he did it the mother of his child, he betrayed us and made us look like the family of idiots

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 09/04/2014 15:56

I doubt you will get counselling where abuse is involved. I think this sort of behaviour is generally seen as way past saving but maybe the counselling would be good for you to help you see things more clearly?
The sort of help he needs is a little past the qualifications of a counsellor I think.

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2014 16:00

OP yoy should save your shock for the woman he tried to rape. Or does she not figure in your decision making process at all?

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2014 16:00

You not yoy.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/04/2014 16:03

alix - certain words and phrases you used in your op have riled some posters here - generally MNers don't like terms like 'bubs' or anti-women phrases like 'town bike' or 'sulked like a bitch'. So your reception here has been less than sympathetic than, say, someone who had just posted:

'I've just found out my dp of 2yrs has repeatedly propositioned another woman for sex while I was away for the weekend, and then I found out from her that he tried to coerce her into sex. I'm devastated, he's remorseful, but says it's not really cheating - what should I do, I have an 8mth old baby'

...etc - you would have got different, more sympathetic replies.

You have only been with this man for 2 years - and you've just had a baby with him. This is a very common time for an abusive man to start to show his true colours. Beware. Threatening suicide/promising to go the gp/counselling - all very common with abusers. Cheating and then denying/minimising it - very common. Being sexually violent - v common with abusers.

And don't listen to the town-folk - people who become abusive in relationships are very often very popular in social circles.

MN has a great saying - "when a man is showing you who he is, listen to him'. Good luck.

quietlysuggests · 09/04/2014 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 16:15

I'm sorry for the way I wrote my situation I really didn't think I just wanted to get it out and not have to deal with it inside, and of course I feel for the other woman, I know her, everyone here knows her she is highly unliked for favouring married man and was recently bashed in the park for taking a ladies 3 kids while she was in hospital, and preyed on a vulnerable guy. I'm adamant she coaxed my partner so people can see she is in the right, she's known around here for breaking up families and I'm sure because everyone knows what she is like my partner thought maybe she is easy and it won't take much of an ask but she rejected him...its so much bullshit I'd have to write chapters to explain myself properly

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 16:16

And of course it looks like I am making excuses once again. I'm just making myself look like an idiot

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 16:24

No you aren't. Don't worry about that.

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