is this classed as cheating?

[alix300689]

OK, here we go. Me and my partner. have been together 2 years and have an 8 myth old son together, I recently went for a holiday with my son to my mothers up north. While I was away my partner propositioned the town bike for sex 5 days in from me leaving and he got rejected but kept harassing her for days after, I came home he seemed different and I asked him if there's any explaining to do and carried on normal. He goes to work I stay at home and look after bub. We live in a small town of probably 100people mind you. I went to the shop Sunday afternoon for ice cream and movies and while there I had this woman approach me and ask to have a 'word' outside. She proceeded to tell me that my partner had drove to her property and coersed her into sex but nothing had happened, I couldn't look at her and got in my car and went home. Immediately confronted him which he denied all and he then got in the car to confront her, apparently she wasn't there. All was well and I just thought she is a delusional beeexh. Monday I got her number and rang her and she had said she seen my partner yesterday and he threatened her to not say a word because he would lose his family. He was at work so i asked this lady to send the messages to me and Iforwarded them to him, and told him he was guilty due to lying to me already about Sunday. I packed my bags and sons stuff and wasn't far off leaving. He came home and I agreed to stay on the terms we seek counselling and work thru this. I'm devastated and he has admitted it and remorseful and sorry but using the excuse that nothing happened so iys OK?? Arrrrgh

No, it's not a one off. The drugs could be to blame the for the first attempted rape, but the second, third, fourth?
If I was the 'town bike' - such a quaint phrase to absolve your lovely dp of his behaviour (like saying a rapist only acted because 'she' was wearing a short skirt) - I'd be reporting him to the police.
If you don't confront your dps attitude and behaviour, you'll be forever having to 'deal' with this kind of thing.

Yes it was cheating, yes it was attempted rape, yes he's a twat, yes he will do this again if you stay with him - counselling or not.

Yes you should leave him (unless you want this sort of scenario to be played out again and again for evermore).

God, he sounds vile. I'm not one to say this lightly, but Leave The Bastard. He's unfit for human consumption.

He may not have cheated on you, but is that really the most important thing here? (genuine question) He tried to, desperately, and he is a liar, possibly violent and wants others to lie for him.

Think about your baby, he's tiny - almost a clean slate, is this genuinely the sort of man you want raising him?

If you're in a really small town you might feel like you have no other options, but honestly, being alone is better than being with a shitweasel like this. I'm from a small town and girls go back to shit partners time and again for lack of options - they never get any less shit, believe me.

I'm aware and I feel so stupid and disgusting to be in this home right now, he's threatening to kill himself, he doesn't want to live if he can't have us. I told him Sunday that our son will have you as a role model and you can't give me an explanation to why you suddenly woke up one morning, went to work knocked off got drugs and did this? He said no, I don't know why, I didn't even think I could lose it all, I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, he is kind and caring and its not him, its just not HIM!!! He knows he has fucked up and not because he was caught out..rejected..he is embarrassed and disgraced and rang her and apologised this afternoon, I just want this to work for my sons sake. If I give him this chance to work, yes we argue and have before me going on a holiday, I haven't been so nice to him myself I'm to busy with my son to worry about myself even, just make sure he is happy :( I just feel like if I had showed him some appreciation it wouldn't have come to this

All I do is think for my baby, my beautiful son!! I've never allowed his father, my partner to be near me because I'm so consumed about our son, I'm anti sex I'm too tired because I just want to be a great mum, both my parents were divorced and I certainly never hoped for my children to be in this situation and here I am following in my mums footsteps yet partnerbis nothing like my father, it is genuinely out of character for him and I'm not making myself sound any better, there is no emotion or face reading over written words and I can't express how Mich this hurts but he isn't this man, I have no idea right now, I'm disgusted for him because he knows he failed and fucked up. He is willing to do anything to work this out

Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour and don't let him do it either.
I hope you won't be having anything more to do with him.

That isn't true. He is responsible for his own choices.

Either he has had a complete breakdown in which case you should insist that he goes to the GP, tell them what he has done and get some help - or this is an escalation of his attempts to manipulate you in an attempt to get you to forgive and shut up.

None of this is your fault. Whatever the case is, it is still not your fault.

As to it not being him - it is him because he did it. Nobody slipped into his body and took control of it, did they? HE did it.

You need to accept that he did do this. It was him. It was his decision. The moment you were out of the way he, if you believe him, went and found drugs, got off his face and embarked on a week long sexual harassment of another woman, culminating in threatening her.

You say he is a good guy but does that sound like a good guy to you?

how can you possibly know that he does not play the good guy when you are around and that this too is part of who he is?

How can you know that he does not do this every time you are away?

It is very easy to sit here and say leave him, leave him. I know that. But you have had a huge shock, your world has crumbled around you and I bet more than anything you want to rewind to before you knew any of this and pretend.

But you can't pretend that he didn't do all this.

Your son's sake - again, what does your son need? A father in the house at any cost?

You don't even need to decide right now what you want to do. You have the option to ask him to leave in order to give you time to think.

If he has even one shred of respect for you, he will do whatever you need him to do and he will accept the consequences of his actions.

but do not twist or allow him to twist any of this into it being your fault. His choices are his own.

x post.

I am sorry but that is a load of crap. do not let yourself go down that road!

You have an 8 month old baby.

This is parenthood. The focus is on the baby more than on the adults. This is because it is a baby! Dependent on you for their continued existence! Life changes. Priorities change. There is a huge adjustment and most people - decent people - understand that it takes time to readjust and get a balance back. Most people are happy to have a child and to embark on family life!

They do not get off their face on drugs and attempt to force someone to have sex with them.

You need to stop thinking that this is your fault or the result of you having had a child.

Op, his actions are NOT your fault! So you aren't sleeping with him, he doesn't need a 'partner' for an orgasm. Relationships aren't only based on sex, at least ones that last.
Your relationship is repairable but HE needs to sort himself out. Threatening to kill himself is just blackmail, don't give in to it. Give in just once and it's something you will be doing for years. In that time, your beautiful boy will be damaged by the relationship.
You are brave and strong and can do anything you set your mind to, but HE is the only one who can 'fix' himself.

He is willing to see a GP, psychologist, counselling and get tested Monday morning. I'm dead adamant he is not the person he was, I've had his friends from work and around town over and they are truly shocked and are giving me support and telling me "he isn't that sort of bloke"
I think he is struggling to come to terms as to being a father as he has had no male role model in his life and has no idea how to be a dad. I'm 100% certain he is feeling like shit warmed up and he is willing to do anything to keep us in his life and I do believe him. I've been on a precious relationship with a cheater and know the signs and my partner currently is remorseful and definitely disgraced, he has told his family what he has done. He is not denying it and very ashamed

You haven't actually known him for long, and sometimes men change when they have a baby because they are jealous of the attention the baby gets. (That does NOT mean it's your fault and you should give the baby less attention - it means he's an inadequate man.)

This has happened and now he's threatening suicide if you say you want to leave? I'm afraid that is another really, really bad sign. A good man who was really sorry about a one-off would be looking at how he could behave well and take responsibility for what he has done and be a good person. Threatening suicide is about controlling you so you don't leave him because he can't bear any rejection.

And that attitude ties in with how he behaved when you went away - punishing you by trying to cheat, demanding sex from someone else because you withdrew it. And making a fuss about you going away other times. I'm also very worried because he clearly has very little in the way of moral boundaries and if you have a confrontation he could potentially hurt you.

Nasty, dangerous men don't start off like that in relationships. They know how to be nice to start with, otherwise they wouldn't get as far as they do.

You need to get away from him and make sure he does not have access to your baby. A good way to do this is to get away to somewhere safe, then make sure he is reported for the harassment and attempted rape he has committed. The other woman can help you.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you but it's better to get rid now.

I may not have known him but for a small town to be telling me he is worth it. They all know him since he was little. Everyone is in disbelief. My only avenue is to give him this chance. This one shot to forgive but definitely not forget and try not to condemn him if we shut the door on this, and make a proper go at this. My son loves his dad and you can see it everyday he drives in from work I don't want to be the one to say sorry I didnt try baby boy! I want to know I tried and of it blows up in my face then so be it I walk never to be seen in his life without him knowing me and his beautiful son

fair enough. Let's hope that he does indeed go to see them.

Today is wednesday. Is there any reason he cannot see anyone before monday?

Is he going to remain in the home between now and then?

Is there a chance that he will attempt to get 'business as usual' in the hopes this will go away?

You must do what you see fit. All that is here is people's opinions based on the situation you have outlined. What happens in your life is your choice and nobody else's.

I hope that it works out for you, alix, and you don't find yourself suffering this again next time you leave the house for a few days.

I hope that he gets specific help so that he does not go on to rape someone.

Just remember that none of this is your fault. There is no blame here that can reasonably be put at your door and any attempt by him to do so would be a really bad sign.

Also, words are cheap. Only by his actions can he show he means what he says.

please please don't go looking for more and more excuses. he doesn't know how to be a dad? I'm fairly sure that that doesn't explain or excuse his conduct towards that poor woman.

You keep focusing on him being a 'cheater'. You know the signs of a cheater, you're sure he's not a cheater - but this is apples and oranges!

He harassed a woman, attempted to force her into sex and threatened her.

That isn't cheating. Cheating is a mutual thing. What he did was not cheat or try to cheat, but to harass and attempt to assault a woman so your previous experience with a cheater does not give you a list of signs to recognise in him.

You sound very naive. What would you do if a guy came to your house and tried to rape you? And then harassed you for days and then came back and threatened you?

Family and friends of sexual abusers always say 'he's not that kind of guy'. Because people who are sexually abusive look and act like everyone else for the most part. They find it unbelievable because he doesn't seem'like that'.

Well he is like that. He's proved it. He needs locking up.

he's threatening to kill himself, he doesn't want to live if he can't have us.

There's your red flag right there. You ignore those at your peril. Decent human beings don't make that threat.

I bet he doesn't go to a gp or counselling.

How could he 'coerce' her into sex and nothing happened?. If he

'coerced' her then it means they slept together.
Anyway, I am not buying this, he tries or has forced himself onto someone, not once but for several days, takes drugs, lies and you are asking for advice? What do you think people are going to say?
And 'bub', indeed.

He's at work this week due to stock take he wont be back till saturday he usually only gets saturday off once a month other than that busoness as usual mon to fri and ive known this for 2 months about stock take I have had his boss here for bbqs and what not. He has just taken monday Tuesday and Wednesday off. He has absolutely poured his guts out the last 2 hours and sulked like a bitch I truly feel sorry for him, he knows he has fucked this up and he knows how hard its going to be for me to regain any sort of trust and dignity to move forward with him

And if that waste of space was threatening to kill himself to me I would be asking him whether he had the money to pay for the funeral.

'sulked like a bitch' really OP, you really need to educate yourself on MN before you post on here. We are generally not 'woman haters'

He is the town bike, not the woman he harrassed. He's just sore he got caught.

I'm definitely not naive, he isn't that sort oman! He just isn't! I'm genuinely asking for some sort of hope not run me down!!! Head too fucking stupid to pull a root with me let alone this!! Its fucking beyond! I'm better off questioning it in my head then listening to anyone on here. Call me dumb, stupid, naive, just as bad. But I'm really fucking trying here. I needed some sort of direction other than RUN because I want him in my life and I want to make it work because he fucked up and I believe he is having a man crisis of some sort. I have no idea about blokes but when I find out or all of you find out please write a novel!!!

Man crisis? Please. If he was having a crisis he'd have been behaving oddly BEFORE you went away. No, he waited til you weren't around and tried to fuck someone else.

He is sorry now, as he got caught and realises that he might lose someone decent in his life.

Poor little lamb, he is.

O actually did ask him that buzzard bird and laughed the idiot!! God this is stupid to have even bothered coming on here

Man crisis? Give me a fucking break.

OP are you very young? You certainly sound it. Why would you want this abusive person anywhere near you? You're obviously not ready to listen to advice. Why don't you go over to Netmums where they can tell you what you want to hear?

That's if this is genuine which I'm starting to doubt.