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Original poster

is this classed as cheating?

208 replies

alix300689 · 09/04/2014 09:55

OK, here we go. Me and my partner. have been together 2 years and have an 8 myth old son together, I recently went for a holiday with my son to my mothers up north. While I was away my partner propositioned the town bike for sex 5 days in from me leaving and he got rejected but kept harassing her for days after, I came home he seemed different and I asked him if there's any explaining to do and carried on normal. He goes to work I stay at home and look after bub. We live in a small town of probably 100people mind you. I went to the shop Sunday afternoon for ice cream and movies and while there I had this woman approach me and ask to have a 'word' outside. She proceeded to tell me that my partner had drove to her property and coersed her into sex but nothing had happened, I couldn't look at her and got in my car and went home. Immediately confronted him which he denied all and he then got in the car to confront her, apparently she wasn't there. All was well and I just thought she is a delusional beeexh. Monday I got her number and rang her and she had said she seen my partner yesterday and he threatened her to not say a word because he would lose his family. He was at work so i asked this lady to send the messages to me and Iforwarded them to him, and told him he was guilty due to lying to me already about Sunday. I packed my bags and sons stuff and wasn't far off leaving. He came home and I agreed to stay on the terms we seek counselling and work thru this. I'm devastated and he has admitted it and remorseful and sorry but using the excuse that nothing happened so iys OK?? Arrrrgh

OP posts:
dreamingalone · 09/04/2014 16:25

hi hun. i think you need to go to the gp to get your mind on track you clearly have self esteem issues and the preasure of a baby is hard enough. you are not an idiot. do you think you might have ppd first of all? you may see this differently when your mind is in a better place. deep down you may know that if he was remorsful he wouldnt have dcenieied it he would have admitted it then. but he carried on lieing. hes only crying now as he cant get out of it. go to your mums and take a break. even if you stay you need to leav for a month or so atleast. and in that time he should atttend counciling or whatever. i feel counciling isnt going to help a cheat but if thats what you weant him to do. you have to be away so he can take it seriiously

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2014 16:26

Had enough of this. Good luck. You're going to need it.

quietlysuggests · 09/04/2014 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 16:58

I have no idea anymore :'(

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 09/04/2014 17:25

Jeex alix I would be getting on a plane to Cairns right now if I were you. You are on a hiding to nothing. Everything you say about the situation just makes him sound worse. He tried to get sex off a woman who obviously has mental health issues of her own. He is lower than low. You and your son deserve better than that. Please seek help of your own. Preferably with your family.

Cabrinha · 09/04/2014 17:32

That's the most frightening thing to me - that he tried to rape the woman that he knew no-one would believe.
Poor bloody woman.

You say she has a reputation for breaking up families, for married men. You know what that tells me? That it is the married men who are targeting her. She sounds extremely vulnerable.

As do you.

I'm interested that you're 1800kms from your family. Did he by any chance have a hand in isolating you? If there's 100 people there, doesn't sound like you rocked up there for the jobs and social life.

Did you meet online by any chance, and did he sweep you off your feet and rush you into things?

Logg1e · 09/04/2014 17:32

Alix your woman-hating and victim-blaming posts are going to put barriers between you and the advice you are seeking.

If you want to save your relationship then he needs to leave the family home. This is standard advice on this forum.

  1. It gives you the time and space to think about what you want and to get the support you need without his influence. Right now he is not your friend.
  2. It shows him what he has to lose. He needs to experience this loss in order to realise that you are worth fighting for. He needs to show you over a sustained period of time that he can earn your trust. Show with deeds, not convince with words.
ohldoneedtogetagrip · 09/04/2014 17:32

He IS that sort of man-stop making excuses for him. You have now seen his true colours I actually hope the OW goes to the police and reports him. I certainly would.
No matter what anyone says on here you are going to stay with him regardless and this gives him carte blanche for next time.

Jan45 · 09/04/2014 17:44

OMG, he went to her thinking he'd get easy sex off her, so what if she has a reputation, clearly your partner now has the same one, but worse, he also harasses. Leaving this relationship doesn't mean you can't co parent you know, don't stay with him out of some misguided idea that you're better together, you're not, he has shown his true colours, how long before the next episode?

PerpendicularVince · 09/04/2014 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/04/2014 19:55

OP - either go back up north to your mother (is that where she lives) or back to Cairns. This doesn't sound like a good life for you - the town sounds, er... strange and dysfunctional.

wonderingwoman64 · 09/04/2014 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DippyDoohDahDay · 09/04/2014 20:30

Troll hunting and well deserved feminism aside, you must surely know, op, that this is crap. I have experience of trying to hold it together with a lovely/horrible shit bag for our baby....it just gets worse.
Put yourself and your baby first. Whatever you thought you had sounds like it's gone x

MexicanSpringtime · 09/04/2014 20:46

Sorry, OP, I can't help feeling that any woman who refers to another woman as "the town bike", deserves to have the type of partner you have.

poorincashrichinlove · 09/04/2014 21:12

sabrina up north is Cairns in Australia

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/04/2014 22:07

Oh god, sorry Blush

I'm so Brit-centric.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 09/04/2014 22:16

OP - if you're still around - you will get support here, you just got off on the wrong foot.

How did you end up in the town of 100? Did you move there to be with him?

Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 12:06

I got out of a 6 yr relationship with a man that cheated on me, I left and went to college and studied for a diploma, I then travelled doing farm work and nights on bars and had a mate from school ring and ask if o wai was interested in house sitting and he also got me a job here as he was leaving for the mines in WA. I pretty much packed up and moved here with no hesitation let alone diving into any relationship, I met my partner at a BBQ with a small group of friends and we clicked, pretty much inseperable since, we spent a lot of time together and started our relationship only to have fallen pregnant with our son 3 mths in. We both had discussed not having children and set out expectations and what we wanted out of a relationship and dreams and maybe one day do the family thing but we got in tje deep end..you all may call me foolish but I was diagnosed with PCOS and had my left ovary removed due to cancerous cyst and believed I had absolutely no chance of conceiving and basically used that line of "not wanting kids" although I had but not at that very moment. He has been by my side through out our pregnancy and has never done no harm, he is a beautiful, kind natured soul, after having our son he was with me for the whole 32hrs never left my side, helped the nurses and cut the cord and got to hold him first he cried and said thank you for giving me a family, a son (mind you I really didn't care at that stage I was exhausted and he was 10lb 10oz) so I really wasn't interested in anything apart from a cuddle with our son and have a sleep :) got home and I think i started to get confused of my role as min and partner, I was always tired and he was always away for work 2 on 1 off in another state, we started arguing and I somehow forgot his needs too and maybe my own!? I believe e is at fault 100% for his decision to do what he has done yet we are both at fault for abusing our relationship and taking each other for granted and not meeting each other in the middle, lack of communication and a lot more and I rang this lady today and apologised for how I reacted aswell, I asked her I'd she was OK and she is fine and would like to come see me personally. I have booked us both in for sti/std check, councelling and psychologist GP all on Monday. We have a massive day and I hope to put it behind us and move forward asa family. I know if I choose to forgive him I cannot use this against him and he has made a commitment to me and our son to stay by our aide. He is willing to get help, change jobs, and start being in control of his actions

OP posts:
Logg1e · 10/04/2014 12:10

It seems you have a solution you are happy with OP. I hope that his actions over the next few weeks are as good as his word.

Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 12:16

I hope to tell you all about it. Hopefully a positive encounter for us. He has alot of work to do on regaining my trust and im not going to make it easy but definitely don't see a point in holding it against him if he is willing to move forward, I know he wont ruin this and its up to me to let go and try as hard as he will to give this a real shot and return to the fun, crazy people we were before, though now we have an addition to sacrifice things together and decision s based on family and treat each other with respect and start to care for each other and not our own needs in this relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 12:39

He is also in the other room but I asked him to stay at his boss's house tonight as I feel as though I need some space with just me and my son, things need to cool off and I hope Monday we have a breakthrough, definitely not in a week or a month but definitely in the forseeable future together. It may sound like there is no chance but he has never done anything in his past, I've contacted his 2 ex bf and they were the ones that cheated on him, he has never shown them disrespect of this level and I'm insure why he chose to lay this shit out on me, the mother of his child, his partner, or at least the other lady in this matter I think its a one off and I'm going to allow him one chance to redeem himself. Thabkyou and sorry for getting of on the wrong foot

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 12:41

And my poor grammar and literacy I don't proof read

OP posts:
Logg1e · 10/04/2014 12:45

OP I would look at it like this, it's up to him to give this a real shot and return you all to a loving, fun and stable family. You don't need to let go, you haven't betrayed him or let him down. You have been putting your child's needs first.

Logg1e · 10/04/2014 12:46

Also, you don't know that he won't do this again. You have reason to believe that he will in fact (i.e. he's shown you what he's capable of). The onus is on him to earn your trust back.

BuzzardBird · 10/04/2014 13:40

Good luck alix, don't settle to second best. Thanks

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