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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this classed as cheating?

208 replies

alix300689 · 09/04/2014 09:55

OK, here we go. Me and my partner. have been together 2 years and have an 8 myth old son together, I recently went for a holiday with my son to my mothers up north. While I was away my partner propositioned the town bike for sex 5 days in from me leaving and he got rejected but kept harassing her for days after, I came home he seemed different and I asked him if there's any explaining to do and carried on normal. He goes to work I stay at home and look after bub. We live in a small town of probably 100people mind you. I went to the shop Sunday afternoon for ice cream and movies and while there I had this woman approach me and ask to have a 'word' outside. She proceeded to tell me that my partner had drove to her property and coersed her into sex but nothing had happened, I couldn't look at her and got in my car and went home. Immediately confronted him which he denied all and he then got in the car to confront her, apparently she wasn't there. All was well and I just thought she is a delusional beeexh. Monday I got her number and rang her and she had said she seen my partner yesterday and he threatened her to not say a word because he would lose his family. He was at work so i asked this lady to send the messages to me and Iforwarded them to him, and told him he was guilty due to lying to me already about Sunday. I packed my bags and sons stuff and wasn't far off leaving. He came home and I agreed to stay on the terms we seek counselling and work thru this. I'm devastated and he has admitted it and remorseful and sorry but using the excuse that nothing happened so iys OK?? Arrrrgh

OP posts:
CarryOnDancing · 09/04/2014 11:06

Of course it's cheating!

What exactly I'd counselling going to achieve? What can you do with someone who doesn't have the basic morals to not try and hump anything that moves the second you are out if sight?

Obviously it's a shock to you but thinking you have anything to work on just seems crazy to me. You should have taken your DS and got out of there and that's exactly what you should still do.

Oh and celebrate with an ice cream and apologise to the local bike whilst you're there!

onemorestep123 · 09/04/2014 11:29

Cut your losses, that's appalling treatment. Chasing women for sex is way over the line of acceptable behaviour in anyone's book.

CuntyBunty · 09/04/2014 11:37

That poor woman! She must have been terrified. Harassing her for sex and then threatening her to shut up about it. She should go to the police and report that. Is your DP going to graduate to full on rapist next time? I feel sick. I am imagining being that woman (and she is someone with feelings, just like you or me)in that small town with such a scary bloke and such a hostile, mysogynistic partner. It must be horrible.

I hope this isn't genuine.

Doinmummy · 09/04/2014 11:42

I don't think it is Cunty .

borisgudanov · 09/04/2014 11:50

Yes. It's also classed as being a despicable fucking twat. Has he got an arse you can kick out?

crispyporkbelly · 09/04/2014 11:52

Sounds like your husband is the town bike, ironically

DrankSangriaInThePark · 09/04/2014 12:00

Does he try and fuck (against their will) every woman in the village?

On the offchance this isn't a wind up, you might want to get yourself an STD test. After you've helped him pack.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 09/04/2014 12:37

More fool you if you stay with him. Sad

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 12:47

Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 13:20

He's never been like this, completely out of character, claims to have been on drugs that night, he's involved in community activities, a beautiful father, he works hard provides us with everything. His mother is in denial and all of our close family friends are in shock, I have no idea on how to move forward. This is against my grain to stay with anyone who cheats but I believe him. I just want some sort of support here. Fuck!!

OP posts:
Logg1e · 09/04/2014 13:22

OP your use of the term "town bike" was really offensive and made me suspect in hindsight that your post wasn't genuine.

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 13:23

It is genuine, I am a good mother I do everything in my power for my child to be happy and healthy and have a clean house cooked meals and try to be a mother and partner, I went to see my mother because I needed a break, being a new mother is overwhelming let alone coming home to find this shit out is fucking devastating

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 09/04/2014 13:24
Hmm
trambampoline · 09/04/2014 13:27

So he takes drugs... but is a great dad....?

MothershipG · 09/04/2014 13:29

You may be a wonderful mother but that doesn't give you a licence to make derogatory remarks about other people. You also said the harassment went on for days, so his drug excuse doesn't hold water.

LapsedPacifist · 09/04/2014 13:29

So the'beautiful' father of your child is a drug user who repeatedly attempted to rape someone. And you blame the victim?

AlpacaYourThings · 09/04/2014 13:31

Also, town bike Confused you said it was a own of around 100 people.

Assuming he is related to some of them, there are children and she isn't attracted to women, how many people could she have even slept with o warrant the 'town bike' title.

Honestly, my dog could have came up with a more convincing thread.

Offred · 09/04/2014 13:32

Being a good mother means getting the basic fundamentals right - protecting them from harm. A drug using attempted rapist is someone the child needs protecting from IMO.

Worry about cleaning the house after you've made your child's environment safe.

Offred · 09/04/2014 13:33

And agree with others 'town bike' and 'bitch' to describe anyone nevermind the victim of your partner's frightening attacks is disgusting.

Original poster
alix300689 · 09/04/2014 13:36

Its a one off thing he doesn't even know why. I'm all out of explaining and I can't justify his mistake but on my behalf I want to make it work . Simply not getting any advice.

OP posts:
TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 09/04/2014 13:38

"8 myth old son"

I think the clue is here.

Offred · 09/04/2014 13:39

Honestly, why on earth would you consider staying with him. Who gives a shit about cheating?! His excuse, which you seem to think is better than cheating, is that he tried to rape her because he was so smashed off his face he couldn't control himself. If you believe that shit and don't buy that he's an attempted rapist there is still the facts that he;

  • harassed someone else for sex
  • Threatened someone he had committed harm against who themselves had done no wrong when he was sober in the cold light of day
  • spent family money on illegal drugs which apparently affected his behaviour very badly indeed
  • lied to you about what he did

Wtf? That's the best case scenario, that you're with junkie scum who lies to you, harms other people and threatens people he has harmed. What's going to happen if you and the dc get on the wrong side of him?

HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 13:41

He was on drugs 'that night' ?

Was he also on drugs for the several days afterwards that he continued to harass her?

Was he also on drugs when he went back and threatened her?

How long has he had this terrible drug problem and is he getting help for it?

He's gone from a really great guy, true pillar of the community - to a drug taking sex manic in the five days you were away? This is what you believe?

I understand if you are desperate to believe him - but if you are able to step back - really? Does what he is claiming seem like the likely explanation?

Either he was on drugs the night he tried to make her have sex with him and for the several days afterwards that he continued to harrass her and when he went to her home to threaten her

Or he was on drugs when he initially tried to make her have sex with him and she's lying about everything else

Or he tried to get someone he felt was a 'safe bet' to sleep with him, it's blown up in his face and he is saying anything and everything he can to get you to believe what is very clearly a great big load of bollocks.

It is your choice whether to stay with him or not. Nobody here can tell you what to do. If you want to stay with him, that's up to you.

But please do so knowing exactly who he is and what he tried to do to that poor woman. Don't pretend that you believe the load of shit he's coming up with.

Offred · 09/04/2014 13:42

Don't be a mug, even if it really were the first time it won't be the last will it. He expects you to believe he took hardcore drugs which wrecked him the minute you left and he's never done anything like that before?!

Why are you not bothered that your bf is an attempted rapist?

HecatePropylaea · 09/04/2014 13:44

people are advising you.

They just aren't telling you what you want to hear, which is it will all be ok, stay with him, this is how to make everything ok again - do x, y, z. He didn't have sex with her so he didn't cheat on you...

Instead we are telling you that you are describing a predatory man who according to your own description of events behaved in a very alarming way towards that poor woman.

It's your life. It's your child's life. It's your child's role model. It's your future.

It's your choice what to do. you have a child to consider, so make it a good one.