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Original poster

is this classed as cheating?

208 replies

alix300689 · 09/04/2014 09:55

OK, here we go. Me and my partner. have been together 2 years and have an 8 myth old son together, I recently went for a holiday with my son to my mothers up north. While I was away my partner propositioned the town bike for sex 5 days in from me leaving and he got rejected but kept harassing her for days after, I came home he seemed different and I asked him if there's any explaining to do and carried on normal. He goes to work I stay at home and look after bub. We live in a small town of probably 100people mind you. I went to the shop Sunday afternoon for ice cream and movies and while there I had this woman approach me and ask to have a 'word' outside. She proceeded to tell me that my partner had drove to her property and coersed her into sex but nothing had happened, I couldn't look at her and got in my car and went home. Immediately confronted him which he denied all and he then got in the car to confront her, apparently she wasn't there. All was well and I just thought she is a delusional beeexh. Monday I got her number and rang her and she had said she seen my partner yesterday and he threatened her to not say a word because he would lose his family. He was at work so i asked this lady to send the messages to me and Iforwarded them to him, and told him he was guilty due to lying to me already about Sunday. I packed my bags and sons stuff and wasn't far off leaving. He came home and I agreed to stay on the terms we seek counselling and work thru this. I'm devastated and he has admitted it and remorseful and sorry but using the excuse that nothing happened so iys OK?? Arrrrgh

OP posts:
Offred · 10/04/2014 14:49

So normally when he is away from you he is in another state and he works away often? Bullshit is this the first time he's done this.

I'd be willing to be the regularly does drugs while he is away and he's got so used to it he couldn't wait to do it the minute you left.

That's assuming the story about the drugs is true. People don't just head out straight after their gf and child leave and get wasted on drugs if they aren't regular users though.

You seem to still be approaching this as cheating. Forget the idea that it is cheating and that you can move forward.

Your bf has committed a sex crime. Then he threatened the victim to keep quiet.

Just what about this relationship can be rescued now? Why would you want to rescue it?

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2014 19:37

Um why does the other lady need an sti check? He tried to rape her and didn't manage to according to you so why is she having a check? Come to that why are you having one?

Also how could you book yourself in for sti testing, counselling AND psychologist all on Monday plus book her in for all of the above too? Don't you need referrals where you live? I don't see how you could 'book her in' for all of the above, wouldn't she need to see her own GP?

Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 21:28

Omfg I am booked in with him for the sti check...he is on the mines so he has to pass daily drug screens its pretty odd behaviour he works big nights and sleeps all day. So the day he finished and came home is when it happened and I was on holiday visiting my mum. The other lady in the situation has been contacted because of ME I RANG HER!!! She is OK fine thinks he is a dickhead they both know each other the town is fucking so small you could fart and itd be the rumour you shat yourselff*

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 21:33

No you don't not need a refer all....the other other lady isn't booked in for ANYTHING for Christ sake! Might be in a country ass town but we will get up and get to town by 9am for Sti/ std check, Midday is couples xouncelling , psychologist is at 1:30 and GP at 5pm all in the same town!!! Its not hard to organise shit when a woman is determined to get to the bottom of shit!!! You are all one minded. Think outside the box. No matter who you are in what situation everyone does things differently...but for the sake of my son if I do leave him one day I want to tell him I TRIED MY HARDEST...

OP posts:
ohldoneedtogetagrip · 10/04/2014 21:42

You may have tried your hardest but do you honestly think your DP has?
He committed a sex crime--he should have been charged.
You seem to be overlooking this or chosing to ignore.
whatever Sad Sad

Logg1e · 10/04/2014 21:42

OP, are you ok?

Offred · 10/04/2014 21:57

Children don't need you to try your hardest to fix a relationship. They need you to prioritise their welfare. When that's threatened by a parent steps need to be taken to protect the dc from that threat. You seem to think as long as you keep the relationship together things will be fine. Big mistake IMO.

People don't just try to rape people when they are smashed. You, IMO, need to accept that your bf is a man who has tried to rape someone. That he is someone who threatens the person he's tried to rape.

What about that do you think you can fix?

Offred · 10/04/2014 21:58

Do you want your child to live in a house with a druggie?

And loads of ppl are subject to regular testing for work and still regularly take drugs. Know several in the army, they just know how to work the system.

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2014 22:03

Well you need to learn what paragraphs are as your post of 12.06 is misleading, you say you'd spoken to the woman then immediately say you've booked you both in for all these appointments. You don't make it clear that you mean this guy.

I must say for a town of 100 people there sure is some serious infrastructure in place there!

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2014 22:06

Ps. You still haven't explained WHY you both need sti checks. He may need drugs testing because of his job but so what? A drugs test is not an sti test.

Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 22:50

Because she had confronted me that nothing had happened and he says the same but I want to know for sure. He isn't a druggie..he can't even take phenergen without ppassing out for 8 hrs. Yeah I said "both" as in me and him need to go in and get checked I don't trust him right now obviously!!
This site is pointless. They both (as in my partner and this women) know each other and she is saying its OK she understands that he was off his head...definitely not an excuse but she doesn't feel threatened by him because he isnt like that....for a sexual harrasment she isn't going to the police she laughed saying "its his fuckup not mine" he isn't a rapist for god sake he really did do the biggest mistake in his life and he's fully aware of it. He needs to understand that self control, consequences should have been dealt with before acting upon his dumb decision? He admits being 100% wrong but I admit its both our faults for allowing our relationship getting to this point. He clearly went the wrong direction and is willing to do everything to help me regain trust...pretty sure a reoffender wouldn't give a flying fuck of building up your trust to smash it down again

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 22:54

Sorry if even one is in the fight or flight situation but I'm staying he is staying and we are going to make it work regardless of how I poorly portrayed this situation. He really just fucked up massively its definitely not OK how he handled it and show's his impulsiveness and stupidity to not analyse his problems head on and not have a thought process but he is willing to work on it and I'm willing to forgive I've he proves to be worth it

OP posts:
RiaOverTheRainbow · 10/04/2014 22:56

Out of curiosity OP, what exactly would you consider unforgivable?

Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 23:05

And I know the difference between a drug test and an STI/STD. Get off your high horse and try understand! If you can truly put yourself in this situation not that anyone would because you all know that you would just run. But I'm a new mother he is a new father. We have had negative role models in our life and we are trying. He just fuxked up and its out of character. Yes the other lady has a bad reputation but she is still human and has feelings and my partner has just ruined anything of his reputation. That is not the part me and him are focusing on. We want to right the wrong and it would be nice to have some sort of positivity instead of 99% of this post full of negativity towards me. The first stage of finding out is of course anger,questioning if it was purely bad judgement, impulsiveness,
Emotional connection,what actions to avoid, guilt and handlyvnegative emotions responsibly, how to maintain a non judgemental attitude to not condemn him, and of course forgiveness and understanding. If I was in his position (over my dead body I would) but I would be asking for forgiveness from my partner.we have 2 different approaches..either a. Restore boundaries and sense of protection b. Focus on feelings and actions and how to deal with them appropriately. I'm having a moment of absolute clarity about this and I hope this works out for our families sake

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 23:09

Yes I still class this as cheating and he sexual harrased another lady..but for one he didn't RAPE her and he didn't get to shove his dick in her vagina like majority men probably have....and maybe he should of. No excuse but it never got there, she ld him to fuck off and he kept going yes its sexual harrasment and he wants help for it FUCK!!! Were you all massively fucked over too?? Not to see anyone situation other than your own...is this a full on feminist page? Where did I find this??

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 10/04/2014 23:18

"Maybe he should of"
Hope I've misread that.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 10/04/2014 23:20

Then to top it all he threatened her the next day to keep quiet !!

You have quite a guy there don't you. Hmm Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 23:20

Carrying on like he's a rapist and actually went thru with ....yeah maybe should have the way I'm getting responded too...would that make it easier for either!!

OP posts:
Original poster
alix300689 · 10/04/2014 23:23

Nile river is apart of Egypt not river of denial? Perhaps you should look it up lady..and yes I believe he is a great guy and I'm not going to let one dumb decision shape our future and simply walk away..we are going to deal with this!

OP posts:
PerpendicularVince · 10/04/2014 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 10/04/2014 23:38

Nile river is apart of Egypt not river of denial?

apart of Egypt--l hope you just missed out the space between the words Grin . I am quite good at geography petal as it is a very large part of my job.

If you think he is such a great guy l would hate to read your description of a bad one. As far as l am concerned from your postings he is rather a revolting creature.
However he is your revolting creature and if you are happy- who are we to judge?
We will all still be here when it all goes tits up again --and it will.
Good luck. I'm off.

MexicanSpringtime · 10/04/2014 23:59

Sorry Alex, I know what it is like when the person who was lovely a couple of days ago turns out to be horrible and I thoroughly sympathise with you on that.

However you say you don't like the feminist answers you are getting here. The thing is feminism, at least my type of feminism, is about respect for all humans, including women.

Unfortunately you do not subscribe to feminism, which is why you have been more concerned about your husband's intention to be unfaithful to you than by the fact that he attempted to rape another woman. After all, that woman is the town's bike, so what the heck, eh?

IMHO, you are a misogynist and your husband is too. Unfortunately you are also a woman so that does not look good for you.

pinkyredrose · 11/04/2014 00:03

So the woman says they didn't have sex and so does he but you want an sti test 'to be sure'? Wtf? How exactly will the result of said test prove anything? If it's positive what will you do?

Plus I still see you're still making woman hating comments. Well done you.

What a great guy you have there. Great role model for your baby.

patienceisvirtuous · 11/04/2014 00:38

Eek. Read through the thread again OP and have a long, hard think about the good advice you've received here.

It seems you're your own worst enemy :(

Original poster
alix300689 · 11/04/2014 01:12

And I guess you suffer from misandry??

OP posts: