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Original poster

DH caught red handed

193 replies

ColdFeet123 · 06/04/2014 11:17

I was out last night and got home a little earlier than I would normally, around 11.30ish. When I closed the front door I heard DH leap out of his desk chair and leg it into the living room (he's not exactly light on his feet, hence hearing him pelt it across the flat). When I approached the study, I noticed two unusual things: 1. Google was open in explorer and 2. The webcam was placed on the edge of the desk pointing downwards towards, ahem, crotch region.

Now, he only uses safari and NEVER uses explorer and the webcam is always placed on top of the monitor. These two things coupled with the fact that he legged it into the living room and had a very guilty look on his face has concerned me somewhat.

Now I'm massively paranoid that he was doing something that he really shouldn't have been doing. I started panicking and did a little light google research and discovered that some people have found their spouses cheating via Skype and other such tools.

DH has an extensive porn collection and I've known (and accepted) that for years. I don't mind him looking at his, albeit sometimes "different" porn, but I don't think I could cope with him doing the dirty with someone else using a webcam. That just seems a little like cheating to me.

We didn't talk about it last night, I was too furious. And I don't want to lose my sh1t without some hard evidence of what he was up to. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about it. Or am I just being massively paranoid? I can't even look at him today.

OP posts:
SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 06/04/2014 11:21

Did you ask him ? What did he say ?
Did you check his internet history ?

flux500 · 06/04/2014 11:23

Is there a Skype call history you can look at?

I think you just need to ask him outright. If you are comfortable with the porn maybe he just went that extra step. Have you discussed this and have you ever expressed that the extra step is not ok?

Hedgehead · 06/04/2014 11:23

Internet history is your friend here - unless he has already deleted it. Can you check it?

AlpacaYourThings · 06/04/2014 11:25

What do you mean by "different porn"?

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 11:27

You will need to check the internet history if you don't think you will get total honesty from your DH if asked outright. It does look a little shady I agree. It does happen, sadly all too often.

How is your relationship on the whole? Are there other problems, concerns or suspicions about his behaviour. I don't think you're being paranoid and you have a right to know if anything untoward is going on.

Original poster
ColdFeet123 · 06/04/2014 11:40

I asked him why he ran into the living room and he didn't really say anything, just shook his head, mumbled something incoherent and went and sat back at the computer and proceeded to ask me how my night was and how I was back earlier than expected!

I checked the history this morning and can't find anything unusual which makes me think it was a coverup.

If he was even using the internets for whatever he was up too, he's extremely computer savy so I suspect he covered his tracks fairly well. I know this all makes me sound like a bit of a paranoid loony but I just know that something didn't feel right when I walked in.

So here's the other thing, we have a family skype account and he also has another one that he claims he uses for work. I don't know the password for his other one but now I think about it, why would he need another one for work? He isn't client facing.

Relationship is very up and down.

OP posts:
Original poster
ColdFeet123 · 06/04/2014 11:43

I have asked him outright if he has ever cheated one me and he says he hasn't. I honestly don't think he has ever slept with someone else but if he's webcam dirtying, maybe he doesn't think that's cheating? It clearly is in my opinion.

OP posts:
Dreadedsunnyday · 06/04/2014 11:53

Years ago I walked in on my exH doing something similar...he was working from home and I came home earlier than he was expecting. He was sitting at the PC in the kitchen in his boxer, web cam out and kitchen roll at the ready. At that point he could really only confess!

I wasn't very computer savvy back then (10 years maybe) and I never got a proper explanation but it was some kind of forum where people exchanged details and could arrange mutual erm...showings. He had been doing it for a while I think but was very good at covering his tracks.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 11:53

It does sound very suspicious, the fact that he went back to the computer afterwards suggests he may have been trying to cover his tracks as quickly as possible before you got the chance to check. I asked my h several times if he was cheating or if there was something going on, he told me no, accused me of being stupid & paranoid and made me believe I was.

There was no sex involved but h was having an EA which went on for months without my knowledge, just a gut feeling until the truth was discovered in a secret hidden phone. I think it's unlikely your h would volunteer any information that he wouldn't really want you to know without evidence and even then in my experience they can still lie and deny it. I do t think you're a paranoid looney, shit like this screws with your head.

Original poster
ColdFeet123 · 06/04/2014 12:22

Yes, I think it's probably some kind of mutual showings forum as described above. I don't think he's gutsy enough to have a proper affair. God knows why anyone would I want to see him w@nking though. Even I don't really like to see that and I've even with him for over ten years.

He definitely would have covered his tracks. I've had a quick look and can't see anything suspicious. But he's just installed windows upgrade and it's all different so I can't find my way around properly to have a good search. Ugh, my head is spinning.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/04/2014 12:32

I asked him why he ran into the living room and he didn't really say anything, just shook his head, mumbled something incoherent and went and sat back at the computer and proceeded to ask me how my night was and how I was back earlier than expected!

How can this happen?

How can anyone ask that question, not get an answer and just leave it at that.

I would say, 'Sorry, I didn't hear you could you speak up' or something like that.

Anyway, it's obvious he's been sharing his knob with the world. He sounds pretty disgusting but if you like him I guess you'll stick around until you find hard (no pub intended) evidence.

What's 'different' porn - gay?

One of my friend's dh was showing his knob to men on the internet. He's now living with his boyfriend.

Original poster
ColdFeet123 · 06/04/2014 12:46

Because I was embarrassed, I was pretty certain I had caught him at something and it was an embarrassing situation. Sorry, but I'm not the sort of person to continue aggressively confronting someone when something awkward has just happened. You might be, but I'm not. I prefer to take a step back, assess the situation and then act on it.

He has some ladyboy porn. Does that make him gay? I don't think it does. Especially when 98% of the rest of his porn is female based.

He's very liberal and if he was gay, I'm certain he would not have any problems with his sexuality or issues with coming out. But I don't think that is what's going on here.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 06/04/2014 12:54

You don't have to be aggressive. In fact, I would definitely advise against that.

However you could probably do with being more assertive. Ladyporn does not 'make him gay' but it does show he has a sexual interest in men.

Fairenuff · 06/04/2014 12:55

Ladyboy porn, that should be, obviously.

Original poster
ColdFeet123 · 06/04/2014 14:36

I think you're kind of missing the point here. It really doesn't matter if he was showing his knob to men or women. The fact is, I suspect that he was showing it to someone else full stop.

Am I being silly not to ask him outright? I just don't want to make a fool of myself, what if I'm wrong? I just don't know how to approach this to be honest.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 06/04/2014 14:42

"Who were you showing your cock to last night?"

I'm sure he won't tell you but you'll be able to tell by his reaction if that's what was going on. And I see no other explanation.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 15:25

Try sitting down and just asking outright what happened last night when he hot footed it away from his desk, why the webcam was in the position it was and if there's something he'd think you should know you'd rather hear it from him now than discover something later on that he's been hiding from you. The truth hurts but lies hurt more.

Did he or has he seemed strange since the incident in question, what is your gut telling you? You can avoid this and let it mess with your head or you can deal with it head on. Which would you prefer?

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 06/04/2014 15:47

If you need hard evidence, which I don't think do, it's pretty obvious, Can you do another coming home early thing? Or Ask him for the log in for his Skype. Why would he say no if there isn't anything going on? Or get someone to come round who knows a bit more about these things to check your computer for evidence.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 06/04/2014 15:48

Sorry about the grammar I re-worded to make my point clearer.

quietlysuggests · 06/04/2014 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WTFlike · 06/04/2014 18:28

quietlysuggests, your name belies you.

Fairenuff · 06/04/2014 19:01

It might make a difference whether he was wanking in front of a man or a woman. If it's a woman he is likely to want to stay in a relationship with you but continue using porn and webcams to interact with women.

If it was a man, it's likely that he is gay and, at some point, might want a sexual relationship with a man which, unless you are happy to incorporate that into your marriage, would mean the end of your relationship.

So I think who he was doing it with does make a difference to you. Not to me, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that regardless of who he was waving his cock at.

Original poster
ColdFeet123 · 06/04/2014 19:02

Thanks to those who have responded with helpful suggestions and advice. And a special unthanks to others who just want to vent their anger.

I'm going to man up and talk to him tonight.

OP posts:
jayho · 06/04/2014 21:25

It seems to me that you have a boundary issue, he's into porn, you seem to accept that, he's private with his browsing/webcam activity, you seem to accept that. Do you have a deal breaker, do you have a line that can't be crossed?

It strikes me that you reluctance to engage with your partner stems more from a lack of boundaries, ie he could worm his way out of almost anything, than whatever was going on.

HandragsNGladbags · 06/04/2014 21:30

You can use webcams through porn sites I think? So he could be using "interactive " porn as it were.

Not necessarily another woman, well not an unpaid other woman iyswim?