DH caught red handed

[ColdFeet123]

I was out last night and got home a little earlier than I would normally, around 11.30ish. When I closed the front door I heard DH leap out of his desk chair and leg it into the living room (he's not exactly light on his feet, hence hearing him pelt it across the flat). When I approached the study, I noticed two unusual things: 1. Google was open in explorer and 2. The webcam was placed on the edge of the desk pointing downwards towards, ahem, crotch region.

Now, he only uses safari and NEVER uses explorer and the webcam is always placed on top of the monitor. These two things coupled with the fact that he legged it into the living room and had a very guilty look on his face has concerned me somewhat.

Now I'm massively paranoid that he was doing something that he really shouldn't have been doing. I started panicking and did a little light google research and discovered that some people have found their spouses cheating via Skype and other such tools.

DH has an extensive porn collection and I've known (and accepted) that for years. I don't mind him looking at his, albeit sometimes "different" porn, but I don't think I could cope with him doing the dirty with someone else using a webcam. That just seems a little like cheating to me.

We didn't talk about it last night, I was too furious. And I don't want to lose my sh1t without some hard evidence of what he was up to. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about it. Or am I just being massively paranoid? I can't even look at him today.

Just remember this is all about the boundaries you expect in a relationship. If wanking to strangers is outside of that then you really need to make that clear-and act on it if necessary.

I really feel for you as you are obviously feeling awkward about it. Plus I understand you are probably reluctant to delve deeper for fear of what you may unearth. I hope it's nothing too shady!

Have you asked him?

"Did you cheat on me?" meaning have you had sexual encounters with anyone apart from me?

"No" I was just skyping, that isnt cheating because I didnt actually fuck her.

Extensive porn use suggest a totally fucked up attitude to women, sex and relationships. I wouldnt be able to put up with that tbh, but skyping/webcamming etc would be the end if I were you.

I'm glad you've decided to talk to him about it coldfeet. I do think it's better to open conversation avenues at times like this, if nothing else you get it off your chest and it's not all just whirring round your head making you ill with worry.

I hope he's honest with you and you get all the answers you need, please don't allow yourself to constantly move boundaries back for him though until his needs completely overshadow yours.

The ladyboy porn stuff would be a deal breaker for me but you're not me and we all have our own boundaries. I know from personal experience that when we love/care for someone we can have certain things/situations in our head that we know we just wouldn't accept under any circumstances. However, the truth is when faced with those very things/situations in the cold light of day it's all very very different. Being on the outside looking in is a whole lot easier than being on the inside knee deep in it and trying to find a way out.

How did your talk go, op?

How is wanking on a web cam any different to wanking to porn?
Genuine question.
I think they are both unacceptable personally.

Because webcams are a step on from porn. It's interaction with somebody, taking the fantasy a step further.

In any case, I think it's all deeply unpleasant. I hope this isn't what OP's H was doing.

Of course he would never admit and would cover it up. That's what men do. You are not likely to find any evidence.
What you need is to base your judgement on trust. If you cannot trust him, because of your suspicions, then you need to tell this to him.

I have been in a similar situation with my H and he was asking in lines "what is your evidence that I did this or that?" I was smart enough to tell that this is not a court trial and it is not about finding evidence, but it is a matter of trust and either I trust you or not. And at the moment I don't and I will not until you prove me wrong.

Please don't go into that game of scrolling through his internet history, it is dirty and it only hurts your self-esteem.

It's interaction with somebody, taking the fantasy a step further

Watching porn is not a fantasy. Unless it's a cartoon version, it involves real women. I've read before how people call porn fantasy and what they mean is it's a fantasy for them. They don't even think of the woman as a real person, they don't think of her at all except as a piece of meat for them to wank over.

Thanks, fairenuff

I am familiar with the definition of fantasy and am well aware that women in pornography are real. Not sure why you've decided to pick on me.

Not picking on you mansize, just responding to the comment that porn is fantasy.

Sorry fairenuff

Perhaps I should have made it clearer:

It's interaction with somebody, taking the fantasy a step further.

What I meant was their fantasy, i.e. imagining having sex with the people on the screen. I do NOT think porn is a fantasy and agree with everything you said in that regard.

Sorry for your situation Coldfeet. Modern browsers now have Private Sessions, which means no history is recorded if In Private has been selected for the session. So please don't torture yourself by looking for evidence you won't find. Just trust your instincts, you have them for a reason.

If your boundaries have been blurry, perhaps now is the time to clearly define to your man what is and isn't acceptable to you. That way in future there will be no confusion about whether he has or hasn't crossed the line. Personally, I would never bother asking a suspected cheater if they cheated as they will almost never confess so it is an exercise in futility.

Nice.

It's all your fault OP you allowed porn so deserve what you get.

Really?

Hope your chat has gone ok and you have the answers.
Your boundaries are what's acceptable to YOU and if he has crossed the line then you need to decide where to go with it.
Most importantly he needs to tell you the bloody truth.

X post with hookedon.

This shouldn't turn into a debate about the rights or wrongs of porn. We all have different opinions and boundaries and it won't help the OP to derail the thread.
OP you need to lay it out in black and white where the line is and what will happen if he crosses it so he is in no doubt about what you define as cheating.
I don't have a problem with porn itself (not my cup of tea but I kind of see why it appeals to men) but I draw the line at any live communication be it over a webcam, skype, text or whatever. DP was told this from day one. I don't know or even care if he watches/looks at porn but he knows full well that my deal breaker would be anything 'interactive' as we have discussed it.

I think every couple should have the discussion about what constitutes cheating early on in a relationship. For some just flirting with the opposite sex is not on but others are more laid back and anything short of full blown sexual activity is OK.

I'd sit with him and ask him to show you his Skype account if he has nothing to hide

Sounds very dodgy indeed, and whether you like it or not, your tolerance for his porncollection is indeed part of this, i.e., webcams are used a lot on porn sites.

Why would you even want to show your knob to people on the internet. Is it the same sort of thrill that flashers get from flashing?

Yah.
Sounds like he was having webcam sex with someone. (Doesn't have to be Skype, loads of different services and hiding tracks is pretty easy...)
Either a "professional" or another bored amateur (and yes, there are bored women who do it to...).

I'm pretty relaxed about
i) masturbation
ii) porn (but I prefer the textual variety)
but I think doing something with a live person is crossing a very clear boundary.

How would the OP feel about him sending sexual texts to someone - no, it's icky.

Oof. How did last night's talk go, Cold?

FWIW, I think you found the hard evidence right there. No other reason why someone would move the camera to point at their genitals, is there?

I guess you're now trying to decide precisely what type of remote infidelity you can live with. I'll have to wish you luck with that, because my answer would be "none". I only reached this position after decades of making the same kind of deal with myself over physical cheating, though (pre-internet) and do understand how difficult it can feel. Take it from me, it's much easier to go "I am worth better than this" and act on that principle.

Thanks guys, appreciate your advice and comments. We spoke about it. He admitted he was having a wank. Swears he wasn't doing anything else. I'm not entirely sure that I believe him.

I've laid the law down and told him to sort it out or we're done. Told him to get rid of the ladyboy porn. Thinking about it, I realise that it's not something that I'm particularly comfortable with. I've just let him get away with it and explore his fantasies. But essentially I am not willing to accept that. Thanks to all for giving me the confidence to push back on that stuff.

He outright denied that he was showing his knob online. I have a choice to give him a chance and trust what he says, or walk out. I'm not in the latter camp, just yet. Even if he was flashing his knob around online, he knows that I don't think it's acceptable now. I made it VERY clear.

Believe me, if I ever find out that he's been up to that kind of shit again, I'll be out the door quicker that he can put his cock away. As it stands, I've done some things that I'm not particularly proud of over the years, and I would hope that if he ever found out he would forgive me. So I have to show the same respect.

We've been together a really long time and I don't think any relationship stands this length of time without some problems along the way.

Essentially I do trust him. So fingers crossed that he (and I) manage to maintain it for the future.

Thanks again for letting me vent and for the stellar advice xx

Do you intend to police him, love ? To monitor his online activities like you would a 12yo ? What sort of man needs telling that interactive sexual behaviour with other people is not acceptable ? How does that sit with you ?

We have kids, I don't need another one to "police". I won't be torturing myself by constantly checking up on him.

We all have our own opinions and ways of conducting our relationships, if you had been in my situation and taken the decision not to believe him and to disregard what your partner of fifteen years is saying, then that's up to you. You may decide that I'm the fool, that's your opinion.

I prefer to work at a relationship. That's my choice. My end line is if I catch him fucking about, then it's over. I've given him a chance.

Sometimes we all need reminding of how to behave. We can't all be perfect.

I wish you well.

Aside from the boundaries re: possible wanking online (which could be exhibitionism rather than any interest another person, btw)...are you sure you want to stop him being able to watch 'ladyboy' porn? If you're ok with pornography in general why does it matter which gender the performers are?