DH caught red handed

[ColdFeet123]

I was out last night and got home a little earlier than I would normally, around 11.30ish. When I closed the front door I heard DH leap out of his desk chair and leg it into the living room (he's not exactly light on his feet, hence hearing him pelt it across the flat). When I approached the study, I noticed two unusual things: 1. Google was open in explorer and 2. The webcam was placed on the edge of the desk pointing downwards towards, ahem, crotch region.

Now, he only uses safari and NEVER uses explorer and the webcam is always placed on top of the monitor. These two things coupled with the fact that he legged it into the living room and had a very guilty look on his face has concerned me somewhat.

Now I'm massively paranoid that he was doing something that he really shouldn't have been doing. I started panicking and did a little light google research and discovered that some people have found their spouses cheating via Skype and other such tools.

DH has an extensive porn collection and I've known (and accepted) that for years. I don't mind him looking at his, albeit sometimes "different" porn, but I don't think I could cope with him doing the dirty with someone else using a webcam. That just seems a little like cheating to me.

We didn't talk about it last night, I was too furious. And I don't want to lose my sh1t without some hard evidence of what he was up to. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about it. Or am I just being massively paranoid? I can't even look at him today.

Wow!
Bad enough to kick a woman when she's down, but to continue to do so atop your moral high horses when she has TOLD you she's had a rough few days and the posters here haven't helped!

I have to say, I'd MUCH prefer my partner watch porn than be a nasty judgmental witch that got kicks out of telling someone in distress how 'perfect' they are.

Who is claiming to be 'perfect'?

Why do you keep trying to put words into other people's posts Victorian?

No-one has kicked OP, she has had a rough few days because of her dh's actions. OP pretty much left the thread and the general discussion about the harm caused by porn continued.

OP doesn't want to disclose whether or not her dh admitted to webcam sex or whether he was 'just' showing his cock to others or, indeed, as you suggest, maybe taking a flattering picture for his own amusement.

And that's fine, she doesn't have to disclose anything she doesn't want to. But it won't stop people speculating and giving their opinions.

OP initially said she caught him 'red-handed' and I would agree with that statement. However, what she wants to do about it up to her. She asked, I am just being massively paranoid? Many of us are explaining that we think she is under reacting because she has been conditioned in 'accepting' her dh's porn use.

Who said they were perfect? I had my own shit, and I crawled up out of it quicker when I saw it for what it was. shit.

Attraction is organic. It can definitely be damaged, or drained. It can grow or it can wither. Porn and lady porn and webcams would not make my love and attraction for a man flourish. But if it's something you can truly overlook then go ahead, but if you are working very hard to over look it, then that's not good, and no good will come of being told it's all fine if you just look at it differently.

It is always the women who have porn watching husbands who don't believe that some men won't watch that crap because they are against the way women are treated in the industry.

I think your anger sadly says a lot about how you really aren't ok with this but willing to put up with it anyway.

I wonder what the view is like from up there...

OP, all people have done is reply with you at the forefront, meaning that your OH has had to take some knocks. You've painted a picture of him, without your words and his actions nobody could have said a thing.

In your own post you said you were massively paranoid that he's done something wrong. You then decided you didn't want to find out really, or if you did you weren't sure of your original boundary. All well meaning people have tried to do is give you the confidence to put that boundary in place rather than fear the consequences.

You were the one that said it would feel like cheating-that's your boundary and again people have tried to tell you that it's fine to have that boundary. You asked for opinions and others agreed that they too would feel this way in your position. I fail to see the abuse

There are some bloody AMAZING men out there, and guess what! SOME OF THEM ENJOY PORN

What an eye - opener on how low some people set their expectations about men! Don't they get an easy ride, that people are happy to say that an amazing man can enjoy porn. That's probably why they still do because people put up with it and give that message

'people put up with it'.
Putting up with something suggests that 'people' have an issue with it in the first place.

The eye-opening on this thread is actually to how head-in-the-sand shallow-minded people are. What's the big problem with men (and women) enjoying watching other people having sex? I mean, seriously, why is it so wrong?

If you want to take the whole exploitation stance then fabulous, do so, but remember that does not make the enjoyment of porn the problem (by which I mean getting sexually turned on by actors performing sexual acts on each other), but the behaviour of the porn industry. I'm pretty sure many of the holier than thou posters here would still have a problem if their partner was watching porn that wasn't exploiting anyone (and yes, there is porn out there which isn't exploiting anyone - it's extremely common for certain websites to contain more homemade porn than studio filmed porn - men and women who enjoying filming themselves having sex and uploading it onto the internet).

I am also sure that you don't go without clothes because of sweatshops in china, or only eat food you have grown yourself, or only use services that you know for sure haven't employed people unethically. Morality and ethics are wonderful things, but to use them as a stick to enable you to beat someone with for enjoying watching pornography just doesn't cut the mustard with me I'm afraid. I don't buy Nestle but it doesn't stop me remembering how much I enjoyed Lion bars.

Other than the exploitation side is anyone able to actually explain what's so wrong with porn? If, say, a guy enjoyed porn but hated the exploitation does that still mean he can't be amazing??

At the risk of dragging the thread further off topic, I'm a porn user (yes, and male). In principle I have nothing against porn, I get turned on watching other people have sex. It's a pretty lazy way to get my kicks if Im honest.

Having said that, until a year or so ago I was completely oblivious to the damage that the porn industry did to people primarily those involved, but also (to an extent) the consumers. I did a fair amount of research, learnt an awful lot in a short period of time and changed my habits. I now use literature porn, rather than video. It keeps my conscience clear because the likelihood and capacity for unethical practice is pretty limited in this medium. There is also the fact that when I've seen video porn (even the 'female friendly' stuff) I can't shake the exploitation image out of my head.

Anyway, before I was aware of the background to the Industry I can honestly say I did view it purely as another off shoot to TV/cinema, yet another niche to cater for a specific market, in the same way you get horror, sit-coms, soap operas or whatever. I'm not defending my ignorance, but I am saying that it is easy to avoid being aware* of the backdrop both from a societal and an industry perspective. I used an analogy in a previous post on this subject: "Who thinks of the water treatment plants, the underground aquifers, the miles of pipework etc. when they turn on their tap for a drink?".

• Particularly from a male-priviledge pont of view.

So, I guess the long and roundabout point of this post is, in prinicple there is nothing wrong with porn (IMO), it's just the shit that goes with it that's the problem.

Apologies OP for going a bit OT.

I agree hidden, it's not until you stop and think about it that you suddenly realise that you can never know whether the women in porn are being abused.

Even home-made porn, women have been filmed without their knowledge and/or consent. We've even had threads here on mn where women have found their partner's hidden cameras, etc.

Unless you are actually there, with the person, in real life without any money exchanging hands, you cannot know what the other person's situation is or that they are freely consenting.

Many people don't think of it like that though which is why those who do will continue to raise these issues.

Many people don't think of it like that though which is why those who do will continue to raise these issues

Which ties in nicely with Vic's point about exploitation in pretty much every area of life I suppose. Although MN, and the Relationships board in particular is likely to find Porn being an issue more so than say Proctor & Gambles exploitation of rainforests for the production of palm oil.

I do wonder sometimes on MN whether the ignorance of many porn users is correctly intepretted as mysoginy. I can't remember the origins of it, but a phrase that often pops into my head is - "Don't automatically ascribe to malicious intent that which could just as easily be ascribed to ignorance". May be I have too much faith in human nature...

So here's the other thing, we have a family skype account and he also has another one that he claims he uses for work. I don't know the password for his other one but now I think about it, why would he need another one for work? He isn't client facing.

Go to his work skype account, click - forgot password & get a new one sent to his email.

Sign in to his email & change skype password.

OP, nobody has abused you, you have came on an internet forum posting about your life to strangers, therein was your first mistake if you expected replies that only suited your view on porn.

You said yourself in your opening post: albeit sometimes "different" porn, but I don't think I could cope with him doing the dirty with someone else using a webcam......so what exactly were you expecting folk to tell you, the version that he was using the webcam on his own? Sorry, but not many folk are going to assume that to be the case, most intelligent open minded folk are going to think he's using it as intended, a two way communication tool.

As for your OHs extensive different porn, whatever that is, again, nobody is going to defend that, that would involve no doubt pain and possibly sex against the woman's will, all pretty yucky stuff really.

You had a chat and decided to accept his explanation, that's up to you. Also I wonder if you found out why he has a secret Skype account.

Anyhow, nobody has any anger or hatred towards you, nobody knows you on here.

Vic, your insistence that we are on a witch hunt is just laughable, it's an internet forum we are on, not a hand holding, say what the OP wants to hear rather than the truth.....you won't get that here, you only get honest, informed and yes opinionated views, if you don't want that, don't post.

You said yourself in your opening post: albeit sometimes "different" porn, but I don't think I could cope with him doing the dirty with someone else using a webcam......so what exactly were you expecting folk to tell you, the version that he was using the webcam on his own? Sorry, but not many folk are going to assume that to be the case, most intelligent open minded folk are going to think he's using it as intended, a two way communication tool.

Just because many people may assume something doesn't make it correct. Most people make assumptions based on experience rather than evidence. The experiences of people on this thread may lead them to believe that webcams are used only for two-way internet sex. I'd also suggest 'open-minded' is completely out of place in that sentence since you've been nothing if closed minded on the exact reason her husband MUST have been using the webcam.

As for your OHs extensive different porn, whatever that is, again, nobody is going to defend that, that would involve no doubt pain and possibly sex against the woman's will, all pretty yucky stuff really.

Woah! She already said the 'different' porn was a small percentage of his collection and that it was 'ladyboy' porn (which, actually, OP, is not as different as you may believe) as for 'no doubt pain and possibly sex against the woman's will' WTAF?! Not all porn is extreme hardcore rape y'know

Also,
OP, nobody has abused you, you have came on an internet forum posting about your life to strangers, therein was your first mistake if you expected replies that only suited your view on porn.

She wasn't posting about porn! She was posting about her husband possibly cheating on her over the internet.

No it doesn't make it correct Vic, you are right, it's an opinion and I think you will find 3 quarters of the replies here are in the camp that he was using it as a two way tool, I think you're the only one out of all the posts that is implying it was used solely. You also usefully forget he has a secret Skype account......another thing to brush under that rug.

You can call me closed minded all you want, it won't change my opinion or my assessment of the situation. I've already reported your above attack on a poster calling them a witch, absolutely no need for personal attacks....this here: I have to say, I'd MUCH prefer my partner watch porn than be a nasty judgmental witch that got kicks out of telling someone in distress how 'perfect' they are.

Yes different, and remember the word extensive Vic, do you know exactly what he has got, no, and I doubt the OP has either as she clearly isn't into it.

I'm deducing from different and she porn` that it no doubt does involve a degree of pain and restraint, again Vic, my beliefs, you don't have to agree. Again, I never said rape, you did, like all the other horrible words you keep insinuating posters are using when they haven't.

I think it's time we left this alone, I will never agree with your views and you mine, that's fine, you need to calm down and realise that not everyone is A ok with a partner who does this sort of thing.

Hidden: So, I guess the long and roundabout point of this post is, in prinicple there is nothing wrong with porn (IMO), it's just the shit that goes with it that's the problem.

That's it in a nutshell.

I have to say, I'd MUCH prefer my partner watch porn than be a nasty judgmental witch that got kicks out of telling someone in distress how 'perfect' they are.

Victorian which poster was that statement aimed at?

I'm deducing from different and she porn` that it no doubt does involve a degree of pain and restraint, again Vic, my beliefs, you don't have to agree. Again, I never said rape, you did, like all the other horrible words you keep insinuating posters are using when they haven't.

Why does ladyboy porn need to involve pain and restraint?

Also, yes, you did claim it involved rape. Sex with anyone against their consent is rape.

Where did I say the word rape?

I think I'm of average intelligence and I would assume different porn wasn't the variety of the lady and the man having so called vanilla sex, again, you don't have to agree!

Not you, fairenuff, although we may not agree on porn it's obvious you're just trying to put a point across/discuss withOUT upsetting the OP/judging her relationship/slagging off her husband.

This Jan sex against the woman's will. This means rape. Whether or not you used the word.
Non-consensual sex is rape.

In the case of 'reader's wives' type of porn, often the women do consent to sex and/or being photographed. What they do not consent to is it being uploaded onto the internet.

Wasn't there a new law about this passed just recently? We are having to caution our daughters about sending pictures of themselves to their boyfriends, or allowing themselves to be filmed.

Then there are those who do it secretly, where the woman has consented to sex but not to being filmed. There is a lot of misogyny in porn. Women are portrayed as just there for the man's sexual pleasure. That's it.

Wrong again Vic, the words pain and restraint don't necessarily equate to rape, it could be all manner of things, including control.

I love how you give fairenuff a pat on the back and then launch once again into the personal attacks, it's hilarious.........and yet you haven't answered the question fair is asking you.

Wakey wakey, it's an internet advice forum, we all judge, that's how we make informed assessments, jeezo....

Jan - Different could refer to any manner of fetishes, not automatically between unconsenting individuals. Assuming pain, abuse etc. may not be correct.

I'd consider foot fetish and furries to be different for example!