DH caught red handed

[ColdFeet123]

I was out last night and got home a little earlier than I would normally, around 11.30ish. When I closed the front door I heard DH leap out of his desk chair and leg it into the living room (he's not exactly light on his feet, hence hearing him pelt it across the flat). When I approached the study, I noticed two unusual things: 1. Google was open in explorer and 2. The webcam was placed on the edge of the desk pointing downwards towards, ahem, crotch region.

Now, he only uses safari and NEVER uses explorer and the webcam is always placed on top of the monitor. These two things coupled with the fact that he legged it into the living room and had a very guilty look on his face has concerned me somewhat.

Now I'm massively paranoid that he was doing something that he really shouldn't have been doing. I started panicking and did a little light google research and discovered that some people have found their spouses cheating via Skype and other such tools.

DH has an extensive porn collection and I've known (and accepted) that for years. I don't mind him looking at his, albeit sometimes "different" porn, but I don't think I could cope with him doing the dirty with someone else using a webcam. That just seems a little like cheating to me.

We didn't talk about it last night, I was too furious. And I don't want to lose my sh1t without some hard evidence of what he was up to. Problem is, I have no idea how to go about it. Or am I just being massively paranoid? I can't even look at him today.

Oh Jan, are you serious?

"Soft-core porn is ok" in the same post where you talk about pornography confusing young men's minds and sexual exploitation?

Talk about hypocritical. Just keep raging love.

AnyFucker, From what the OP has said he told he was wanking, he told her about the porn collection, how exactly can you be so sure he was lying?

Honestly, this thread is disgusting. Every assumption that men are all lying, cheating scumbags, especially if they watch porn. There are some bloody AMAZING men out there, and guess what! SOME OF THEM ENJOY PORN (probably a larger amount than will admit it due to attitudes like this).

Vic: you need to calm the fuck down love, not me.

What is hypocritical about what I have said, my stance is pretty clear.

Do you not think there is a difference between soft porn and hard porn? You really need to read up on the subject then.

Putting your words in capital letters makes no difference to my opinion - LOVE.

This is hilarious, how many men wank to a webcam cos they can't get a good angle on their camera - that's it right enough, god, must tell my partner that's the way to take good cock shots, purely for his eyes of course, nobody else involved, haha.

Nope, wrong again, men who have an extensive porn collection and bolt from one room to the next when their OH's entering their home but forgets to move the webcam away from the direction of their groin area aint amazing, you must know some right shady men.

Hard-core porn isn't alone in involving sexual exploitation.

And, as I said previously, there are many, many kinks people have sexually that you obviously have no clue about.

Agree wholeheartedly Victoriansqualor. If you have no problem with porn in general it seems unreasonable to impose a ban on ladyboy porn in particular. And unlikely to have positive consequences re open trusting relationship.

Also agree many reasons why the cam may have been used.

Also re knicker twisting about the real people involved- I wonder how many people are exploited in the making of various generally acceptable products and services that you likely use without thinking?

So are you now agreeing that porn is exploitative?

Yes there are, I have mine too, I do know we are complicated creatures and have varying ways of getting our rocks off.

If my partner was getting his off with an extensive porn collection and a webcam pointing at his groin and tried to pass it off to me as a wank for his own pleasure only, I wouldn't accept it as it's so far from the truth it's laughable so yes, as Anyfucker said, I'd assume he was a lying git.

*albeit sometimes "different" porn

So here's the other thing, we have a family skype account and he also has another one that he claims he uses for work. I don't know the password for his other one but now I think about it, why would he need another one for work? He isn't client facing.*

Still think it's acceptable?

just be careful when you take off those knickers you've twisted so fabulously, because hey, someone might decide to be outraged at you doing something that's ultimately none of their damn business

Haha, I love the fact that this makes no sense but the poster really wanted to get the words knickers and twisted into a debate about porn

Precisely woozlebear.

Jan, you're just looking for things to throw at this guy. His wife, however, has chosen to stand by him. She may be a victim who has been conned or she may be a woman who knows her husband and finds what has happened as far less of a deal breaker than other people might.

Sometimes situations like this arise and the guy is an absolute waste of oxygen. Sometimes, though, situations arise like this and minute things that seem perfectly reasonable and acceptable to the person doing them are blown out of all proportion unnecessarily.

Personally, I hope, for the OP's sake and my unfailingly romantic nature, that this situation is the latter. I find it quite sad that you're determined it's the first with such flimsy evidence.

It makes plenty of sense if you just read it...

From OP's first posts on this thread it is clear she knew he was lying. What she saw is detailed up there an her eyes did not deceive her. I think we all know he is deceiving her. OP is long gone, and good luck to her as I fear she will need it.

The rest if us are not invested in believing him so we can stay in a relationship with him and we have no interest in rationalising the dodgy and unhealthy sexual behaviour of some random bloke on the internet. Not quite why you are so invested in it, VS.

I never understand this need for evidence in case the bloke lies. Of course he'll lie, he's just been busted.

If you don't believe him, that should be enough. Trust is difficult to earn and easy to break.

In a relationship with 2 adults, not one adult scared to ask the other anything in case they lie or make a scene, if one doesn't trust the other then surely it's upto the person in the wrong to do everything in their power to rebuild that trust? Saying oh he'll just lie, so then carrying on without any further action or thought is ridiculous.

Ask him. If you don't believe him, say so. Tell him you don't believe him and until you do all trust is gone and the relationship may as well be over. If that doesn't shake him into action, then nothing will and you have to look at your relationship in a much more realistic light.

Wrong again, my assumption certainly hasn't been made on flimsy assumptions, I've made them on what the OP has posted about him.

Yes she may also be accepting what he has told her because that's a lot easier to handle than believing he's got a private Skype account and is flashing his cock on a webcam to god knows who, as is what the OP had initially thought, you should always trust your gut instincts, they are usually right.

What is romantic about any of it, it's all a bit sordid if you ask me.

Don't be sad for me, I'm pretty clued up thanks.

Actually, I've said more than once that this could be one or other version. The one where the doomsayers are correct and he's an absolute bastard, or the one where there was some confusion regarding the usage of the webcam which has a perfectly fixable marriage at the end of it. It seems I am alone in the belief that this man might not be the root of all evil, which I find really saddening.

I'm not invested in proving which side of the fence the OP's husband sits on. I am, however, and always will be, invested in creation of discourse surrounding what is and isn't sexually appropriate to different relationships, supporting people that may be in a less than conventional relationship, and the fact that all men are NOT assholes

Nobody said he is "the root of all evil"

Lying about your sexual activity with others when in a relationship is actually a pretty common and rather banal activity. Any tool can do it, and frequently they do.

Who said bastard and who said evil, you seem to relish making up words that nobody has used. Oh and now assholes.......

nobody said all men are assholes either

you are making shit up, VS

The assumptions garnered from such flimsy evidence from the OP show exactly what you think of her husband.

Vic, that hole is huge now.....

I'm still here. I just left for a couple of days because I got fed up with the abuse from some of you. As if I haven't had enough to think about and deal with over the last few days, I've had you lot burning a hole in the internet with your angry bile directed at me, my husband and our lifestyle choices.

I only came on here to get some friendly advice, didn't think I would get screamed at from every angle. My mistake. Yes, my fucking mistake.

Please read what I've previously written, and be very clear that nothing in the situation with DH has been swept under the carpet. Victorian was right, I don't really want to share any more details with you because I've had enough of the bitter, nasty and down-right rude comments from some of you. This is MY life, not yours. It wouldn't go amiss for you think a bit more carefully about the words that you vomit out on to the keyboard in future and consider the feelings of the person who's life you are SO quick to judge.

And by the way, you might both agree that you don't watch porn, but you have NO idea what he gets up when you're not there. So please, do me a favour and save your mean-hearted judgement for your own life. And don't be surprised when karma returns to bite you on the backside.

Thanks for being considerate V, appreciate your level-headed comments and thoughtfulness amongst this very messy situation.

Welcome back
I understand if you don't want to post any further on this thread about where you're going from here but please remember not everyone is judgmental about where the boundaries lie in someone's sexual relationship, whatever that may entail.
I really hope you can work through this with him and the revelations weren't too tough (especially since you didn't feel able to come back here for support ).

The supporting words were few and far between but yes, I agree whole-heartedly that you can't tar everyone with the same brush. Thanks not joining the witch hunt, V, I appreciate it x

Your aggressive defensiveness is of course understandable OP, but directed at the wrong target I am afraid

This may be hard for you to understand but I wish good things for you. Your husband, less so.

I do completely understand that some women cannot conceive of men who don't like porn, simply because they have never experienced what it is like to live with a man who is so totally against the abuse women in porn.

However, that doesn't mean that those men don't exist. Indeed they do, lots of them too. Thankfully

You are way too pissed off OP, that is because you're carefully constructed cognitive dissonance is built on sand. I didn't abuse you.

I would find your husband's behaviour extremely OFF-putting, a massive turn off on a par with him just taking a dump on the sitting room floor or something. Such a turn off. I think it is the same for a LOT of women but they work hard to convince themselves they're not turned off by it.