Beyond pissed off. Do I LTB??? Wwyd?

[madcatlady444]

My DH is in an am-dram group, last night of show last night, his entire family staying at our house to watch the show. He hasn't come home from the after-show party, it's the next morning now and isn't answering his phone, but can manage the occasional text. I am so angry I am shaking, what do I tell his family?? Everyone is going to be getting up soon, I am so embarrassed. He's expecting me to make lunch for his whole family (10 of us in total) on fucking Mother's Day but he hasn't come home & is too cowardly to answer his phone. He says in his text he is with other people in the group, but I don't really care. He is just taking the piss, and i have had enough. I really really want to LTB, wwyd? I would really appreciate your advice mumsnetters, am I overreacting??

He's acting like a student in a play - yes, you can do that when you're 20 and have no responsibilities but you can't do drinks after rehearsals 2 or 3 times a week when you've got family. It's Amateur for gods sake, he's not on the west end stage.

I do think the after party is an important part of the whole 'season' though - in which case he shouldn't have asked his entire family to stay over. And what adult stays out all night and refuses to answer the phone to his wife?

Are the rest of the troop young free and single? If everyone else is doing it, he probably feels he wants to be 'one of them' - and they're probably thinking - 'poor sad old bloke'

I wouldn't get too hung up on the whole Mother's Day thing - my reaction would be the same for any night - grow up or leave.

Why did you shout at him?

He's selfish and a coward. He invited all his family to be at your house today, Mother's Day, and this has ensured that his whole family can be party to his not coming home. I wonder if he is trying to force you to end the marriage? He is too cowardly to do it, so he's created this extreme situation to make you do it?

Regardless, I would start divorce proceedings . And definitely, definitely be honest with his family about the situation. MIL might be an enabler, but maybe your BIL will wade into him ("My bil is v judgemental & doesn't drink & never goes out without sil, dreading what he is going to say.")

Because Op is fuming, Loggie?

Loggl1e:

Loggie, are you on glue ? Why the fuck do you think she shouted ?

I would have to LtB! Who lives like this?

Yes why don't you go out? Take yourself off for a swim and a mcdonalds or take the papers to Starbucks and let him come back to the family all sat there famished.

Actually I might take my own advice.

I would phone his family and tell them not to come and why.

If they turn up looking for a nice mothers day dinner and afternoon they are going to be miffed that there is no food and a horrible atmosphere when it would be better to have them on your side.

Let them know you are struggling - you have coursework to do, kids to look after (and I am guessing a house to keep running). If you were my dil I would do everything I could to help you and have a few choice words with my son.

Then go out for the day today, have fun and tomorrow as someone to have kids for a bit and have a serious talk with him.

I agree with Whereyouleftit. It sounds like your BIL did not want to turn out like FIL and has a good relationship with his wife. He could turn out to be a valuable ally for you. I suspect any judgementalism would be directed at your H. So sorry to hear you are going through this. Agree you should not cover for him and also that you can pack his rellies off early if you don't feel up to entertaining them.

Can you contact any of the people he claims to be with?I ask as I suspect it's bollocks and he's using them as an excuse.

I had an ex who used to send lying text messages but wouldn't answer calls. It was always because he was with someone else. Sorry if that's doing your DH a disservice.

How you get through the day depends on your relationship with his family. If you've the stuff in could you tell them the truth and let them get on with the cooking whilst you work? Otherwise explain situation and politely suggest they leave.

You have my sympathies re am dram.
The beginning of the final end of my marriage was when the 'show' took precedence over a house sale and move (that also involved dealing with 7 tenants at the property we were moving to) and D going to bed hungover 1 week before moving day for the sat afternoon after the Friday show, leaving me and 3dc's one of whom was poorly to continue sorting/packing/clearing and trips to the household dump, then he got up to make food for the sat after show party then stayed out drinking at it til 4am.

The rehearsal schedule had him out 3 nights a week and most Sunday's in the run up to the move. So most of the packing, re decorating and organising and tidying for house viewings had fallen to me.

I would have words about what is acceptable and have the best day you can with his family and your dc's.

Chocotrekkie, they are already there - have been staying at OP's overnight.

What a dick. I'd LTB.

Oh dear! This is his hobby! Of course you'd want to go to the party but really 'he deserves' to celebrate all the hard work he's put in to his hobby, the thing he does for fun. He clearly loves the attention and feeling important and celebrity like.
I think staying out all night without letting you know in any circumstance is shitty behaviour, let alone after arranging for his family to be at yours. It just sounds like childish, attention seeking, lost youth mourning behaviour.

He'sentitled after the hard work of the play?! he's entitled alright, absolutely unbelievable, he really doesn't think he's out of order?

So, why not answer the phone then?

Is he coming back?

At this point, I'd be considering if he was with another woman I'm afraid, he's acting very strangely.

Sorry I thought it was the dc's getting up soon and inlaws coming round for lunch

Ohhhh....god.
Am dram is a nightmare.
I know so many marriages that have floundered due to affairs etc.
Sorry op.
I would def LTB.

I wouldn't have shouted, and played it calmly, because

1. I'd be making this all about him and his family and side-stepping out of it.

2. I wouldn't want to give him any excuse to paint me the bad guy or to ring off. I'd be giving him plenty of silence to fill.

I'm so sorry you're married to a selfish man child. I don't want to cry LTB... but such selfish behaviour is not normal & I would be fuming too.

Ffs op why aren't you as calm and controlled as LOGG

I was coming on to say exactly what BeckandCall said. It's not exactly the West End, yet he's acting entitled because of it. There seems to be no respect for you or his family right now!

logg1e, you're not wrong. And actually I agree, sometimes it's better to be detached. But no one is an automoton- and a little bit of recognition that the OP is rather stressed would not go amiss.

Apologies if my posting does come across as FourAndDone is implying.

Sorry logg1e that was abit harsh.
Your not wrong, your advice is spot on. But if I was in the ops shoes right now I cannot see how you can be calm.

What an arse of a man for putting her in this situation!