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Original poster

Just found out my partner has been in prison

311 replies

Milly101 · 28/03/2014 11:01

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

OP posts:
TimeForAnotherNameChange · 28/03/2014 13:34

That was to Mines, sorry.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/03/2014 13:35

What have you bought together? A house? A dog? A meal?

This wuold make me very very nervous indeed. The offence. And the lying by ommission.

prh47bridge · 28/03/2014 13:38

TimeForAnotherNameChange - It is the common law principle of joint criminal enterprise. There is differentiation, though. All will get convicted of the same crime but will be given different sentences to reflect the level of involvement.

pictish · 28/03/2014 13:41

In a sense, it would be easier to swallow if he'd been upfront in the first instance.
What cements it as something for the OP to seriously worry about is the cover up, and the flippant, dismissive reveal.

Wiped the memory? Never crossed his mind that it ought to be 'mentioned'? A fight that just 'got out of hand'?

OP - without a shadow of a doubt, he is trying to make light of something really heavy...and you need to know why. 3 years is a hefty sentence, and definitely not something a person would forget to 'mention'.

prh47bridge · 28/03/2014 13:44

There are a myriad of other charges available that cover participation in violent crimes where an intent to murder isn't present in the mind of a given individual.

True but given the principle of joint criminal enterprise, if someone attempts to kill someone else in the course of a fight the authorities are entitled to charge everyone on the same side with attempted murder regardless of their level of involvement. And remember the OP has told us they don't have ABH and GBH where she lives which suggests a jurisdiction with fewer charges available for crimes of violence, possibly leading to attempted murder being used in cases that would not get anywhere near the required standard to support such a charge in the UK.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 28/03/2014 13:47

The OP's situation certainly seems an odd one, I agree prh. And thank you for taking the time to explain some of the issues around charging and sentencing (in the UK), it's been very enlightening.

FairPhyllis · 28/03/2014 14:33

HelloBoys Why "shouldn't" I? I don't know anyone. If I did find out that someone I knew had been involved in violence, I would drop them. It's not OK.

Saying that having no contact with violence is a "sheltered" life is both condescending and normalising of violence.

AnneEyhtMeyer · 28/03/2014 14:55

He was in prison for twice as long as he has been with you. Not something he is likely to forget to mention.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/03/2014 15:03

Whatever the offence was - only you can decide if you feel comfortable planning a life/family with a man convicted of a violent crime - to answer your original post

I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset

Yes, you have every right to feel those things and more. Everything else, aside this man has lied to you by omission about a major aspect of his life. It does seem odd that you've been together for 18 months (and bought a house together? a little unclear on that) and you haven't discussed your pasts enough for you to realise that there was a three-year gap in his that he wasn't telling you about. I'd be very worried about what else I wasn't aware of. If he saw fit to not tell you about this, what minor misdemeanours in the future would he feel free to keep from you.

Dahlen · 28/03/2014 15:10

There are lots of things to consider here. Are you in any kind of role that requires vetting at any level? If so, his criminal record could affect your employment if you live with each other.

Having a criminal record is a serious matter. For example, it can prevent you from being allowed to visit different countries and bar you from certain occupations. Having a conviction from a crime involving violence is even more serious in its implications.

People make mistakes. Some learn from them and actually go on to be better people than they would have been otherwise. Others don't. It's not so much his past that's the problem here, it's the fact he hasn't told you OP.

You say you've just "bought your first" - I'm guessing house - so presumably you've moved in together. As a result, his life now affects yours. I can understand his wish for privacy up until that point, but when you discussed moving in together, that was the point at which this should have been brought up.

The lack of transparency would makes me more inclined to think he's one of the ones that hasn't learned all the lessons he needed to learn. I would worry that he has a temper problem and is prone to violence much more so than if he'd just been open and honest about it and discussed what he'd learned from it.

PostmanPatAlwaysRingsTwice · 28/03/2014 15:18

There is no 'UK law' or 'UK sentencing'. England and Wales has one legal system, which is different to those in Scotland and NI (which are different to each other).

We don't have ABH and GBH in scotland. An equivalent charge would be e.g. Assault to Severe Injury. Obviously we also have Attempt Murder and Murder.

YoDiggity · 28/03/2014 15:59

I've just read Milly's other thread about the boyfriend. Confused

Funny how things turn out, innit? All those people taking flack for saying there must be something dodgy about him and now the other thread makes perfect sense.

I don't think she's coming back, and I feel a bit sorry for her. she must be feeling really shit. Sad

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 16:31

Can you link the thread?

RedRoom · 28/03/2014 17:42

I can't access the other thread on my rubbish phone. I don't even know if she'll read this. All I wanted to say is that going to prison for attempted murder is a big fucking deal and if you have any sort of conscience you cannot hide that from someone and deny them the choice of whether they are okay with it or not. Sure, he might not shout about it in the early stages, but after 18 months and buying a joint house? That, to me, is lying and deception. I wouldn't touch a guy who didn't think that he needed to tell me that he'd been in prison for attempted murder. I also don't think much of his claim that he didn't tell her because he hardly thinks about it. Three years, plus the whole process of the trial, is not something you forget about like a pair of socks at the back of a drawer. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

tribpot · 28/03/2014 17:46

Ah, I hadn't made the connection. Other thread.

Apocalypto · 28/03/2014 18:01

You're lucky you weren't married. If you were, your only recourse would be to divorce him and he'd then get half of everything.

Marriage differs from any other contract in that if the other party lies to induce it, that doesn't void it. Your only redress is divorce at your own cost and risk.

Olddear · 28/03/2014 18:02

So, he doesn't dwell on it, kinda wiped from his memory, never crossed his mind to tell you?? Why? It doesn't matter to him that he served a prison term for attempted murder?? A tad callous, don't you think?

HelloBoys · 28/03/2014 18:18

FairPhyllis come on you in turn sounded condescending to me (not me personally) saying you'd never known anyone involved in a fight. no-one, ever anywhere?! not that this is a competition or anything.

HelloBoys · 28/03/2014 18:22

In the other thread she's mentioned he has issues with alcohol and they're engaged and now this...

doesn't really bode well as in the other thread it didn't seem his issues with alcohol were sorted out, oh and a weed smoker (nothing bad in that) but not what I'd want in a partner.

FabBakerGirl · 28/03/2014 18:25

They are engaged now and have bought a bungalow after a mates wife showed him the other thread.

FrontForward · 28/03/2014 18:30

OP. He's obviously had a messy past. That will impact on him but it maybe that it impacts in very positive ways making him change bad behaviour. I'd judge him on how he is now tbh

7% of children will witness a parent imprisoned during their school years. Prison is more common than people think. I would like to think that people can change and be rehabilitated. If he is as lovely as you say...judge him on that.

AmberLeaf · 28/03/2014 18:39

Going by many of the posts here, I am not surprised at a person who has been to prison, not being upfront about it.

This is a very black and white issue for some people.

Apocalypto · 28/03/2014 18:42

The fact that he tried to murder someone and then concealed the fact shows that he's still not honest.

If the OP stays with him and he later tries to murder her, she can't say she wasn't warned.

PortofinoRevisited · 28/03/2014 18:43

He was living in a caravan a month ago according OPs last thread. This would be a red flag too many for me I think.

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