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Original poster

Just found out my partner has been in prison

311 replies

Milly101 · 28/03/2014 11:01

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

OP posts:
Sharaluck · 28/03/2014 21:31

Has he made the decision not to drink because of the incident?

Does he feel the drinking affected his actions?

I would be most concerned that he had been keeping it a secret. I don't think you should ever keep something like that a secret.

HolidayCriminal · 28/03/2014 21:33

So if you have been to prison for attempted murder, when IS the right time to tell a partner? And how many of you would still give the guy a chance or run for the hills (majority are hillrunners, I suspect).

No wonder he waited until the last possible moment to tell OP.

Being an ex-con sucks in lots of ways. Can't get full insurance, can't get lots of jobs, everyone assumes they know everything about you. Plenty of people don't believe in rehabilitation.

Stockhausen · 28/03/2014 21:39

3yrs in jail, and a serious conviction for a violent crime, are major parts of your life though!? How did he account for those years? Lying by omission is still lying. And as previously posted, this will affect his life in future... jobs, holidays, etc. Plus of course, telling your children that daddy beat someone almost to death...

Stockhausen · 28/03/2014 21:46

And yes, caravan to owning a bungalow outright.... doesn't add up. Was he paid off for doing time & protecting another? Is he a dealer?

matildasquared · 28/03/2014 21:51

Being an ex-con sucks in lots of ways. Can't get full insurance, can't get lots of jobs, everyone assumes they know everything about you. Plenty of people don't believe in rehabilitation.

Dear god. You need to go volunteer at Victim Support for a few months.

Sallystyle · 28/03/2014 21:53

There are way too many men out there to settle for a man who tried to kill someone and kept it from you.

Do you want kids one day? I wouldn't want to raise a child with someone who tried to kill someone and a liar to boot.

And the other thread? I would be running from this man.

MyPrettyToes · 28/03/2014 21:58

As some posters have said it wasn't a fight gone wrong... he was not convicted of abh or gbh. This man was found guilty of wanting to kill another human being. There was the intention before the actual attempt. It wasn't a mistake, it wasn't an accident and it certainly wasn't something that had got out of hand. The crucial part here is intent.

That is not something I would dismiss. I would rather be single than be with a person who had intended to murder another human being.

MyPrettyToes · 28/03/2014 22:03

oh! He's caravan man. God he sounds dodgy. Milly101, run like the wind.

Back2Two · 28/03/2014 22:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

AmberLeaf · 28/03/2014 22:12

And YES THAT'S JUDGEMENTAL AND UNFORGIVING! That's why God gave us brains, so that we could judge and discern and make the right decisions for ourselves

So much wrong with that, I don't even know where to start.

Anyway...The more posts on this thread I read, the more I can see why someone would keep this quiet.

Offred · 28/03/2014 22:22

If people weren't shocked and appalled at someone for committing a crime like attempted murder there would be no justification for it being criminalised.

If you've had a conviction for that you can expect people to be shocked and upset by it for the rest of your life. You can't expect to keep it secret because of their shock.

He should have told you much earlier, it appears what he has done is tried to buy you off with a house first. I would never take a chance on someone convicted of a violent crime if they had lied to me about it, especially if they lied for years. I would at least consider it if they were upfront because lying shows a lack of responsibility and ability to compartmentalise which in the hands of someone convicted of attempted murder is very dangerous. I wouldn't risk that for any relationship.

Tis the lying that is most determinative for me.

pictish · 28/03/2014 22:25

And me Offred - without a doubt.

AmberLeaf · 28/03/2014 22:30

Of course it is and should be shocking.

If you've had a conviction for that you can expect people to be shocked and upset by it for the rest of your life. You can't expect to keep it secret because of their shock

So never have a relationship, or one that lasts past you telling them of your past?

betman · 28/03/2014 22:38

Ok so there are people now saying that he has served his time so his conviction should be forgotten. Would the same be said if his conviction was rape or peadophillia? Of course people would worry he would reoffend. If I was engaged to someone convicted of attempted murder I would worry he would reoffend.

Preciousbane · 28/03/2014 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 28/03/2014 22:44

It's tricky.
Years ago I met my friend's uncle who had in the last year been released from prison after a 9 year (I think) stretch for violently murdering his girlfriend. He came to visit with his new girlfriend and baby.
He was charm personified. He was attractive and funny...happy and charismatic.

I could only look at his partner and what wonder what the fuck was going through her head to hook up with someone like that. I couldn't help it.

Do i think people can learn, turn things around, change? Yes...absolutely I do!
Would I entertain a partner that had spent time in prison for a violent crime? No I wouldn't. I would consider the risk too high.

Maybe that's the real price some pay for executing a violent crime.

Hogwash · 28/03/2014 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 28/03/2014 23:02

Amberleaf - are you being deliberately obtuse?

More than one person, including me in that same post you quoted from, has said they would consider staying with someone who was upfront about this. Saying the choice is between telling and being alone forever and not telling and keeping a relationship is just excusing poor behaviour.

I feel the same about any dishonesty.

Dishonesty in a relationship destroys respect and equality as well as trust.

I think I could have a relationship with someone with criminal convictions but not someone who didn't treat me with respect and as though I'm an equal. Precisely because I think people can change and learn from mistakes but dishonesty is demonstrative that they haven't.

Not to mention I'd feel extremely worried about what else was being kept from me if this had been able to be kept secret for 18 months.

pictish · 28/03/2014 23:04

I think people can change and learn from mistakes but dishonesty is demonstrative that they haven't

In a nutshell.

AmberLeaf · 28/03/2014 23:35

Amberleaf - are you being deliberately obtuse?

No, I just see it differently than you do.

Offred · 28/03/2014 23:45

You see my post where I said I'd consider not ending it if he was upfront differently than I do or you feel people make other people lie? Neither really makes sense tbh...

maddy68 · 28/03/2014 23:50

My lovely friend served 7 years for abh. He seriously would never do it agin and the time it was out of charecter and just n impulse action. I'm not condoning what he did but he paid his dues and now leads a fulfilling life. I don't think he has shared this with his long term gf as he is scared she will not think he is the person she thinks she is. I know he is scared to tell her and it's kind of gone on too far now for him to coMe clean. Just tell him you know. He will be relieved. I'm sure he is not that person any longer. Everyone deserves a clean slate

MorrisZapp · 28/03/2014 23:52

Oh Christ

Not the caravan man

hellymelly · 29/03/2014 00:01

People can learn from mistakes, yes, and we all do silly things in our late teens or twenties- but um...attempted Murder? That is one heck of a mistake. I'm not sure that everyone does deserve a clean slate. if someone abused my dds I wouldn't feel that they deserved a clean slate. if someone kills a child, do they deserve a clean slate? Or batters an old lady? Some things are not wipe cleanable, and attempted murder, while aurguably better than actual murder, suggests that the victim simply got lucky, and didn't actually die. The intent is there, so the crime is essentially the same.

AmberLeaf · 29/03/2014 01:12

Offred

You are one person, the vast majority of posters have taken the 'hell no' 'run for the hils' stance and not simply because he hadn't told her until now, but because of the nature of the crime he committed and what that must mean about his character. Many have indicated that they wouldn't knowingly be in a relationship with a man who had served time for a crime like that.

Given that majority reaction, I can see why someone in that position would choose to lie by omission. Even if there are some people who like you, would consider it, if you were told upfront. I can see why that man wouldn't want to take that chance in case the reaction was negative.

Lots of opinions here about how women would handle this and lots of slamming of this man for 'lying' but very little grasp of why he may have felt the need to do so, I don't see how this thing can be examined without considering his reasoning really.

No, I don't think a person can 'make' another person lie, but I do think the repeated actions of others could influence how candid a person chooses to be.