Just found out my partner has been in prison

[Milly101]

We have just bought our first together after dating for 18 or so months, we were round at his brother and sils house for dinner a few nights ago and the conversation came around to the max Clifford trial and if he got found guilty how long his prison sentence would be, his brother then says to dp "you'd know all about that" dp laughed it of and changed the subject.
When we got back to my place I asked him what his brother had ment by that, it turns out he served a 3 year prison sentence in his early 20s(he is now 36 and never been in trouble since)
I'm shattered my thinking of him has changed, I can't work out if I have any right to de disappointed annoyed or upset.
Any thoughts would appreciated.

Perhaps oddly, what concerns me is his "laid back" nature in all of this.
He laughed off the comment, he quickly volunteered all the information, and he's the one who didn't give a second thought about going from living in a caravan from buying a house together with you.

Does he really consider the consequences of his actions?

I'd be most concerned that, should his buttons be pushed again in the wrong way, that he wouldn't give a second thought to consequences and harm you.

I don't remember, but what is his relationship history?

I don't see how a relationship like this can survive. He clearly doesn't trust you enough to have discussed it in 18 months. You won't be able to trust him again completely in the future. Can you live like that? Either tiptoeing around each other or choosing not to see or probe into things. Then there's also the matter of the actual crime committed. Three years is a long time, for a big and serious crime.

I don't understand why you posted op. not being rude, that's a genuine comment. You posted asking for any thoughts on the subject but got very tetchy with people's negative thoughts. Surely you yourself must have had some negative thoughts or you wouldn't have posted? Surely you know that the omission in telling you for 18 months is quite a big deal? Attempted murder- quite a big deal? You were bound to get a range of responses.

Even if worried about a reaction, it's still something which needed to be raised with someone as a relationship becomes serious. This isn't about whether he tells people generally, I reactions fom people he is not close to.

It is about growing trust in a serious relationship.

He didn't volunteer the information - he was caught out and discovered.

That would bother me a great deal. It's nothing to do with the type of offence, the likelihood of reoffending or what the nature of forgiveness really means. It's everything to do with the current choice to lie by omission until caught out.

To say he didn't remember or didn't think it worth mentioning is appalling. He is a liar and obviously not troubled by what he did as no remorse. If he had told you and been remorseful there would have been a chance of making this work, especially since he has never been in any trouble since (if that is true) but for him to think "meh, attempted murder, no biggie, joke about it with brother, needn't mention it to new girlfriend"

What does that say about him?

This is caravan man? Well, quite a lot of that thread is falling into place now

I defended him on that thread. I'm not defending him now. I'm also slightly concerned this may be a wind up

In any case, there's no way I would be staying with this guy, for all the reasons already mentioned. Paid his debt to society? Changed man? Unlikely to reoffend? Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. I wouldn't be hanging around to find out - lots of men out there who haven't tried to kill someone, you know...

Amber - I totally understand why someone would lie by omission. It is because they are prioritising themselves over me and are not taking responsibility for what they have done. That is why I wouldn't be with a person who did lie.

Apart from that your logic fails because on this thread everybody has been shocked by what he has done. Everybody has said they wouldn't be with someone who lied about it. A few people said they'd consider it if he was honest so how is lying the more pragmatic choice given that you cannot keep a five year prison sentence with 3 served secret forever?

Teaandthorzine-

I'm glad I'm not the only one regarding it being a wind up....

I'm not particularly bothered if it's a wind up tbh! Has been a thought provoking thread.

Clean slate is all very well, unless you are the one marrying the clean slate man. Be careful.

And of course he may well have lied deliberately as well - after all, a 3 year gap in your life story would be pretty conspicuous to an attentive partner.

Op hasn't really given us much to go on... On either thread. Just a few sentences of only a few lines.

We "know" he lives in a caravan, moved every 3-4 weeks but saw the other thread so bought a bungalow outright and proposed.... and then op finds out he's been in prison for attempted murder.

op hadn't said much else or actually entered discussion.
L

Apart from that your logic fails because on this thread everybody has been shocked by what he has done. Everybody has said they wouldn't be with someone who lied about it. A few people said they'd consider it if he was honest so how is lying the more pragmatic choice given that you cannot keep a five year prison sentence with 3 served secret forever?

How has my logic failed? what you have just said, is what I said in my last post.

Also, 'bar fights gone wrong', which is what he claims happened, aren't the same as attempted murder. He is implying it was a bit of a scuffle where he accidentally hit the other bloke too hard. I don't think he is being honest about why he got put away for AM. To my mind, it would need to have been a case of him doing something very mindful and deliberate, like grabbing broken glass, wandering round the streets looking for him and stabbing him repeatedly with the aim of killing him. To laugh that off with his brother and say he never thinks about it at all shows no remorse. He had a good chance to come clean and say what happened, and he chose not to acknowledge that what he has done is at all serious. The lying and callousness compound the seriousness of the crime. You can only rehabilitate ex-prisoners that genuinely want to change and are intrinsically motivated to live differently upon release. He just doesn't sound like he gives a shit about the seriousness of what he has done.

OMG goodness - on top of lying about attempted murder - what a catch?

I would run for the hills.

You're speaking too much sense, GoodnessITtT.
Mustn't let sense get in the way of a knee-jerk response, I suppose.

I love the Deus ex machina.

I wonder if the friend who showed him the caravan thread will read this?
Lucky your Bil revealed the truth, Milly.

If there could be an award for maximum amount of words generated by an OP with minimum words, this lady gets it. Caravan thread was 10 pages plus of MNers arguing the virtues of caravan living while the OP grudgingly threw in a haiku every three pages or so.

I'm seeing a pattern.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sentencing_manual/attempted_murder/

Here's a link about attempted murder, with the conditions for being charged with this, and sentencing information. With that sentence it must have been a Level 3 (lesser) offence, but it would still worry me, OP. Read the information.

Extracts

'General factors, culpability and harm
Attempted murder requires an intention to kill. Accordingly, an offender convicted of this offence will have demonstrated a high level of culpability. Even so, the precise level of culpability will vary in line with the circumstances of the offence and whether the offence was planned or spontaneous. The use of a weapon may influence this assessment.
There are critical differences between murder and attempted murder; not only is the intended result not achieved but also, for attempted murder, there must have been an intention to kill whereas a charge of murder may arise where the intention was to inflict grievous bodily harm.
...
However, although the degree or lack of physical or psychological harm suffered by a victim may generally influence sentence, the statutory definition of harm encompasses not only the harm actually caused by an offence but also any harm that the offence was intended to cause or might foreseeably have caused; since the offence can only be committed where there is an intention to kill, an offence of attempted murder will always involve, in principle, the most serious level of harm.'

For this charge - there must have been a deliberate intention to kill the other person.

I know 20 year olds can be hot headed. I know they can fight. But this intention takes it beyond that.

There's also the concealing it from you. OH had a bit of a lively past, yes got into fights, got locked up overnight a couple of times, got bound over once...when he was younger. He told me all about it a couple of weeks after we met. It did make me think twice about him - he was willing to take that risk to be honest with me. He's grown out of it all now - but he never tried to kill someone, even when he was being pretty wild. That would have had me running.

Yes Morriszap...quite agree

Kentishgirl: OP isn't in Britain. No conclusions about the offence can be drawn from English sentencing guidelines.

My thoughts are:

It's quite amazing that you had dated for 18 months without this coming to light. Even without him telling you, presumably you had spent time with friends and/or his family from time to time. Had he asked people not to mention it to you do you think?

Also, whilst my heart is with most of the people on this thread (i.e run for the hills), my head feels this is unfair. Thinking about Leslie Grantham for example, he was a convicted murderer wasn't he, he did his time and is now presumably a reformed character leading a normal life. There must be many other murderers / attempted murderers who've done their time, accepted their punishment, know what they did was wrong and have never offended again.

I guess he may not have much relationship history prior to you because he possibly was honest with potential dates and they did run for the hills. That may be what informed his decision not to tell you.

Glad I'm not in your shoes having to make the decision.

So this is the man that at the end of the caravan thread just last month proposed marriage and the OP accepted - so its actually her fiancé? Its all happen rather fast hasn't it.?! Strange that when the mother was asked why he was living in a caravan she didnt mention the prison sentance either.
If someone showed the partner the caravan thread last time seems I am surprised OP hasnt name changed this time. All very odd.

You can defend him as much as you can, he may even have changed and become wonderful but, how can you begin to trust him at all and believe what he is saying when he has conveniently omitted to mention he was in jail for 3 YEARS for attempted MURDER when you have been together for 18 months?

Dear woman, this is not about finding excuses to justify his behaviour, this is a golden OPPORTUNITY for you to avoid a life of lies, misery and very likely, domestic violence.

Your logic has failed because this thread doesn't actually give any reason to lie given everyone said they would dump a liar and not everyone said they would dump him if he was upfront... Just why does that give someone a reason to lie?