DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

[RhondaJean]

My DH doesn't know how much I earn.

He has a ball park idea but that's it.

To be quite frank, it's none of his business. We have an agreement of what amount I contribute towards household costs which we are both happy with and as long as I make sure that is paid, it's got bugger all to do with him.

I know that isn't a popular view point on here but we are married 15 years, very solid, financially very solvent, and never argue about money.

[Stockhausen]

It would be the secret account that would bother me. Sounds like he has something to hide.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

You should still claim child benefit, and then it is up to him to pay it back on his tax return.

Do you know even roughly what he earns OP?

[Quitelikely]

What does he do for a living? This might give some indication or someone on here might be more informed

[Teacherspetty]

As you are married you are considered one financial unit in law. I woudl insist on seeing his pay slips and all bank statements. If he refuses, see a solicitor, sharpish.

[Quitelikely]

How long have you guys been together?

[RhondaJean]

Op,is he keeping you short or is it just you want to know?

I would seriously be seeing a lawyer myself if DH decided to demand my pay slips and bank details.

[morethanpotatoprints]

RhondaJean.

I can see what you mean. I am a sahm and know everything we have, down to the last penny because I manage it.
Dh doesn't want to know, he never asks and isn't bothered. I could be doing anything, robbing the business, gambling his income, getting into debt, and he wouldn't have a clue.
However, if he wanted to know I would tell him, no problem.
We too have been married a long time and we trust each other, and dh doesn't like knowing about money.

[Katiejon]

I know the amount before overtime. The amount he transfers over doesn appear to include overtime pay.
I can't find any payslips.

[Viviennemary]

If you both decide to have a marriage in which finances are separate and you are both happy with the situation and both earn a sufficient amount then fine. But that is not so in this case.

[Sharaluck]

Are you struggling for money as a sahm?

If yes, I would definitely keep pushing to find out and to get him to understand why you need to know and why you need access to more.

If you're not struggling with money, then I don't think it is any of your business. The fact that you never knew before and continued the relationship into marriage and children meant that it never was a problem before, so why is it now?

[Katiejon]

What do I say to a solicitor, dh not telling me his income?
I need marriage guidance I think.
Its not being nosy, its finding out how much money I have to live on and wot we can save for our DC's.

[Katiejon]

Not struggling with money, I want to know where the overtime is going.
Overtime work takes away from family time.

[RhondaJean]

More than, it's the trust issue.

I don't give a hoot what DH earns because I trust him to pay what he needs to towards household expenses and then to handle the rest of his finances himself, and vice versa.

I'm trying to get at why op wants to know about this. Surely even if he is supporting the entire family on one wage he is entitled to a bit of privacy around his finances as long as he is making sure the family are not going short?

If they are struggling with money then it's a whole different story.

[fideline]

What does he say when you ask? Is he aggressive? Sulky? Perfectly reasonable tone but just won't say?

What conversation did you have about (not) claiming ChB?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Are you trying to find out whether he is actually doing all the overtime he says he is?

Do you suspect he might be elsewhere?

[Sharaluck]

If it is the overtime that is bothering you then you should focus on this.

He probably sees the overtime as 'his' reward for working extra, I can understand that.

If you don't need the money from the overtime for your family finances then tell him to cut back as the time spent on it is a problem.

[RhondaJean]

You know what you have to live on. The amount he transfers. If it isn't enough, then that's the conversation surely. If you want to set up a savings account for the children you discuss that. But unless you don't trust him why would you need to micromanage his own finances.

I suppose if you do divorce him he will have to disclose his income then.

Or is the problem that you don't like him doing the overtime - or maybe don't think he is actually doing overtime?

[Katiejon]

He doesn't reply.
I feel v insecure cos i have no idea of our savings amount.
Why the big secret?

[Katiejon]

Interesting to read different opinions and interpretations of the situation.

[Sharaluck]

How much overtime is it?

[fideline]

It is a big secret, I agree.

Like not knowing where your other half went to college or something, not necessarily important, but strange to keep secret.

[Katiejon]

There not his finances, they are ours.
By having more than one child, which he wanted, I made myself financially dependent on him
Cost of childcare is v high.

[fideline]

And just not replying to a question is plain rude. That is what you mean? That he just ignores the question?

I suppose it is some comfort that it isn't a sophisticated deception.

[lavenderhoney]

Op, how on earth can you make plans for life if you don't know what you have coming into the family pot?

Or, for that matter, make choices on what to buy, from food to clothes to days out etc? Can you get your hair done when and where you like without worrying, or does this have to come out of housekeeping?

Does he handle all the home admin, pensions etc and give you housekeeping? And does he plan and book holidays etc?

I have to say if he is so secretive he is either hugely in debt or has a big pot of cash! I hate to burst his bubble but even if he has a private account then its still family money not his to do as he sees fit, ie make decisions on your and your dc future without him. Is he a financial genius?

What job does he do? You can find out the ball park figure quite easily on the Internet tbh. He must have disclosed it when you took out a mortgage or rented, so is the house in both your names or just his? Where's the paperwork?