DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

[maras2]

3 year old Zombie Post

[Chamonix1]

Go back to work OP.
Tell DH he can pay the same % of his wage In childcare as you (i.e. He will be paying more if he earns more).
Ask him how he's got to do the 50% of the housework etc with all this overtime whilst you are there, as obviously if you're working full time those chores will need to be split.

I'd be tempted to bill him for x amount of childcare over the years in all. Going rate for cleaners is £10ph where we live also!

It is your business as if there's debt it's your debt too, transparency is essential when sharing financial affairs.
Anyone who tells you otherwise hasn't thought about the possible repercussions if he's lying to you- if he's not lying what's he got to hide?

You've sacrificed your career (temporarily at very least) to bring up his children thus allowing him to have his own career, you've handed over your ability to support yourself independently and he needs to be honest with you so you can make your own educated decisions about your life!

[socialengineering]

OP your not providing any extra context or answering questions!

Why does any extra money not go to his children?

How long have you been asking? And why do you feel you need to know so badly you would divorce? Maybe he doesn't get why you need to know all of a sudden and worried your attempting to divorce!!!


FYI, my husband and I don't have shared accounts, I agree that you should know what the pot is, though not simply entitled the lot.

My will and life insurance ensures my children own my estate, he will be paid a 'salary' from if worst comes to worst. But in no way will he or future partner(and her possible children) benefit from my hard work!

That sounds awful, but several friends of mine, who have lost a parent, saw their parent move on, usually with partner with children of their own). They then sold the family home and insurance money from deceased parent was then the new family's money pot and used up paying for other people's children, not in them or their future.

[Sabbfm]

Thanks Felicia

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Sabb - this thread is from 2014, you'd be better off starting your own thread asking for help

[Sabbfm]

I have been 3 years with my boyfriend. We share bills, rent etc.. He always want to know how much money I earn, how much I pay for things.. i tell him because I don't have any problem with it because I have nothing to hide. Hes a mechanical engineer I know he earns good money but he refuse to tell me what's his income is. Create trust issues. I don't understand why he doesn't want to tell me and he doesn't give me any reason for it. He says I will not tell me. I refuse to be in a relationship with somebody that hide stuff from me and ask me to give him a résonne to everything he ask me though. WTH!

Advide ? Please

[springydaffs]

legal

[springydaffs]

I don't mean find out by asking, I mean find out by any and every means. This is your chance, you won't have much chance once you announce you're leaving him. (Plus, leaving a controlling relationship can be a dangerous time, you don't know how the controller is going to reacte. You need a solid exit plan and support re womens aid [for both].)

I wish somebody would come along and post a list of the documents OP needs! Perhaps post in [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_matters legal] katie.

It might also be an idea to do the Freedom Programme while you're getting your ducks lined up. Excellent course.

[springydaffs]

You have already asked him many times to tell you his income. Please, play the long game, find out all you can first before you announce you want a separation.

[Justeat]

Sorry I namechanged. Im katiejon.
I can't end my marriage as easy as that, we have a babg and 6 year old.
Im not the one buying lottery tickets!
I will tell him I want to know his income and sort out some other matters too, if he refuses then I will tell hjm I want to separate. I must take legal advice first, which I'm doing v soon.

[WetAugust]

To either be open or to end our marriage.

I am shocked that you are even contemplating staying with him. Marriage is a partnership. You may ahve a marriage licenec but you have no meaningful marriage.

[fideline]

Sorry Jan. I am so confused by this thread.

[springydaffs]

I was wondering, too, if you are name-changing because you fear your H finding your thread.

Just for the record: he's not god. He's not your dad. He doesn't know everything about you down to when and how you breath. Yes you need to be careful but your namechanging suggests you think he knows everything about you and is omnipresent (if so, I can relate to this as I felt the same with my controlling abuser) (he also though he was god, omnipresent etc).

You don't need to skulk about OP. It does help if you keep to the original NN because then your threads are highlighted in pink. You haven't given away anything that is particularly identifiable - you've barely given away anyting at all that couldn't fit 100s, if not 1000s, of people.

[januarycat]

No, Im not the op fideline

[fideline]

OP why are you using so many NNs? It soes make it hard to follow. Are you afraid your H is aware of your MN details?

[fideline]

januarycat also seems to be OP (?) Quint

[Quinteszilla]

This is getting confusing, you are posting with three different names, Justeat, katiejon, and Katiejon, and only the Katiejon id is highlighting your posts. Can you please confirm that all three posters are the same person?

[WipsGlitter]

I'm sorry but how can a legal adviser help you with either of those? You really need to talk to your husband, explain that you just want to know about your financial security and if he's not prepared to share more information with you then you will be forced to separate.

So if you chose to end your marriage you will then need to find a solicitor.

[Justeat]

To either be open or to end our marriage.

[WipsGlitter]

What sort of legal adviser? As lweji says it depends on your proposed course of action.

[Lweji]

Check this

But I'd also ask specifically about
*estimated costs
*how to prevent him from draining his personal accounts/find out how much he has
*how to stay in the home and make him leave

[Lweji]

Financially, or to get a divorce?

[katiejon]

Using bullet points, what do I say to legal advisor?

[Quinteszilla]

So you are the poster with the husband who never eats at home?

You really need to leave him. This is not a relationship. You are the woman who is raising his kids, but will never be a life partner, and will never be good enough.

[Lweji]

Slightly confused.
Justeat, are you also the OP?
And are you also complaining that he doesn't eat at home?