DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

[woodlandwanderwoman]

The only reason I think it is relevant whether OP works or not is if he wouldn't have been able to earn that money without her being there to look after DC, especially out if hours. Then it becomes hugely relevant because she has facilitated the earnings and deserves to know even more!

Could he have some kind of undercover role OP (sneaks off in search of detective drama storylines...!)?

[Lweji]

How old are the children?
You could (both) pay child care and you could earn your own money to save.

I'm curious, does he contribute with work at home and with the children?

[morethanpotatoprints]

I can't believe the will
I'd be off I'm afraid. Not because of the money but the disregard for his wife and children.

[AnnieLobeseder]

RhondaJean - the huge difference is that you earn your own money and you and your DH have independent finances. Your situation is in no way comparable to the OPs and I don't see why you are trying to compare the two.

There's nothing wrong with two people in a relationship having their own private finances to some degree - an equal amount each month into personal accounts if salaries are pooled. Or keeping back however much of your own earnings you like once you have both paid a fair and proportional amount into the family pot, and everyone's needs and expenses are covered. There is parity and security for both partners in such situations.

BUT, where one partner has become a SAHP and has made themselves completely dependent on the other, and the working parent is enabled to earn a good wage because the SAHP is taking on all the childcare etc, then the wage earned is earned by both partners. To keep it secret and private, and to make all the financial decisions (including how much the SAHP should "earn") alone is patronising and egotistical at best and financially abusive at worst.

When you are a partnership, things like finances need to be agreed together, to be discussed and decisions made that both partners are comfortable with. To simply refuse to even discuss the matter is controlling and quite frankly highly suspicious.

[AnswersThroughHaiku]

If the will was made
Before your marriage, then it
Is invalid now.

[fideline]

Ok first thing. Claim Child Benefit. Do it tomorrow.

It is possible to make the claim but not to accept payments, thereby receiving NI credits to protect your state pension, but not getting actual cash. (Not sure whether that is what you are currently doing).

Do NOT do that. Claim the Child Benefit and accept the full cash payment.

Do it to demonstrate to yourself (and him, but firstly yourself) that your labour and time has value and that you do have agency and choices within this marriage, just as he has.

[fideline]

He can then pay it back to the HMRC.

Info here on 'High Income Child Benefit'

[RhondaJean]

No Annie, where one person chooses to stay at home, if the bills are all paid and the stay at home parent has money to spend and do the things they want, where there is trust in the relationship that both partners will act in the best interest of the family and be responsible ?ith money and other things, there is no need to go through pay slips and bank accounts.

In a similar situation I would be able to trust my DH that he was being fair with money without needing to check it up because I know he is a good and trustworthy person and wouldn't screw me over.

The issues for op won't be resolved by seeing a bank balance.

[Lweji]

I do wonder about the legality of the will, TBH. Get legal advice.

[AcrossthePond55]

Even if he felt the 'need' to spend his overtime on himself, there is no good earthly reason to hide the amount of his earnings from you. It seems to me, since he knows it bothers you & still won't tell you, that he isn't as invested in your family as you are. As if he is keeping a part of himself, as well as his money, separate.

And the idea that his brothers will inherit any money not in the household account is ridiculous, unless perhaps he & brothers have a joint business or he owes his brothers money.

I think you need to consider very carefully what you intend to do. Since you're a SAHM with only secretarial experience you are in a very vulnerable position. What would he expect you and the DCs to do to survive if he were to die? How can you possibly keep things going if he becomes severely ill if you don't know the true financial position of your family. How can you plan for your DC's uni educations and plan for your retirement?

DH & I have always had joint banking and investments so we always know what the other made and spent. Never was an issue. We have friends who do the yours/mine/our household accounts and they're always bickering about it.

[fideline]

I would be interested to know what industry this 'husband' is in. I can smell his arrogance from here.

In your position I would be insisting on a separation or relationship counselling. Or both. You might need to give him a fright by doing the first before he will cooperate with the second. Something tells me he would take solicitors more seriously than counsellors.

Whatever you do, you need to think hard about what your limits are - what you are and are not prepared to accept in terms of his behaviour and respect.

THEN start thinking about whether and how you negotiate with him to get these things.

The terms of that will are disgraceful BTW, for a married man with children.

[RhondaJean]

Under Scottish law I don't think the will would be legal at all.

[RhondaJean]

Is it an old will from before you were married and he hasn't updated?

How do you know the contents of his will but not about the mortgage?

Does he hold the will over you?

he said I didn't have to return to work

he doesn't keep me short of spending money, provided he transfers the money!

I don't think in itself there is any issue with anyone not knowing their partners exact earnings. I can understand reasons people would rather not disclose without anything nefarious going on. But I've got alarm bells right left and centre with this one.

[Sharaluck]

Yes I agree with rhondajean. There are other issues within the marriage that are causing issues.

Unfair burden of housework/childcare on op?

Uncommunicative dh?

No joint savings account/joint plans to make large purchases?

Dh away too often mysteriously?

I don't think having a private savings account with an unknown sum is the issue.

[AnnieLobeseder]

I completely disagree, Rhonda. Whilst I might trust my DH to do what he thinks is in the best interest of myself and the family, my option on what's best may well differ from his, and I would absolutely feel I have to right to have an input in family financial decisions. My mother trusted my dad to do what was right by her and the family, she thought he was an honest and trustworthy person. Then he ran off with his secretary and left us peniless.

It's a fool of a women who trusts anyone so completely with their entire future.

If the OP's DH didn't want to share family finances, he shouldn't have agreed to the OP being a SAHP. She signed on as his dependent, to support him. In return he agreed that his salary became the family income, with both of them entitled to make decisions about how/where it is spent/saved etc.

In what kind of Stepford Wife universe should women just "trust their man to do the right thing" and just forget about making their own decisions regarding their long-term financial security?

[fideline]

I agree Rhonda

If the will predates the marriage it is invalid under E&W (and Scots?) law. Meaning if OP's DH died he would be effectively intestate, triggering a major legal process.

If it postdates the marriage, either OP or her children (!) or both could successfully challenge it in court, but it would be a long complex legal process.

Either way it is a horrific situation for a widow to be in. Particularly if she has no savings andher name is not on the mortgage/deeds as she would possibly then have to sue her own children.

[fideline]

Sorry, that should have been 'I agree Rhonda but...'

[lavenderhoney]

He has a will? That's very unusual IMO and very organised. Do you have one?

Op, are the brothers trustees for the children do you think? I find it odd you have seen his will but not questioned him. He can leave his money where he wants, or course, but to leave to brothers not your own children seems a bit strange. Does he have any reason not to trust you with money? Sorry to ask but there must be a reason for all this secrecy.

And money you earn through o/to isn't treat money for him. Op is caring for the dc, doing his washing etc enabling him to work o/t. Its family money, IMO.

[fideline]

He can't leave his minor children unprovided for Lavender

[Madasabox]

Some people have strange ideas. If you are married and one of you is a SAHP then any income is joint income - not separate income to be kept away from your partner or secret.

[RhondaJean]

Yep yep good points fid as is your one about claiming cb earlier.

Annie nowhere have I said she shouldn't have an input into family decisions - just that there isn't necessarily a need to know about every penny and for the partner who is earning to account for every last penny, give over every financial detail for scrutiny. It's one thing to know noting about finance and another to know Thr bulk of earnings go into the family pot and trust your partner to be fair about what he keeps for his own spends.


You are projecting a lot bit.

[AlwaysOutnumberedNevaOutgunned]

if married you are financially liable for each other's debts etc so it is extremely unwise to be in the dark like this.

[Zoezeebo]

It's none of your buisness what he is payed, if the bills are payed and he puts money in then thats good, i dont think people would like others to know there financial state so don't ask because its his money.

[Iggi101]

She should start charging him for childcare then, if they are not in a. Arrange and not a team

[Iggi101]

In a marriage.
Some strange ideas coming out on this thread. If you are get enough 'housekeeping' then who cares if he is saving for a Ferrari (or keeping a mistress!). I suppose the OP is allowed to plan for their joint future, work out what kind of house they can afford to live in. Or is that a decision for the man to make?