DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

[Bogeyface]

Just/Katie (I assume this is a name change?)

He is wrong for a start saying it is his money, a court views it as family money.

You are ahead of the game in terms of divorce and settlement because you already know he has atleast one secret account (and unless it turns out to be gambling or similar, probably more than one) so a court can and will make him disclose everything.

Personally I would be seeking legal advice re divorce, this kind of thing would be a deal breaker for me.

[Lweji]

To start with, you contact WA for advice and a solicitor as well, with experience in financial abuse.

And you start withdrawing small amounts from the joint account in cash for bits and pieces, if he doesn't check them, and start your own secret bank account.
Do a credit check as suggested earlier.

[Bogeyface]

January are you going to court? Does he not know that actually not only will they order him to give full disclosure but make him pay costs too for not cooperating? Or, as I suspect, does he think he is clever enough to evade it?

[aegeansky]

But you are married. It isn't his money, it's yours as well. Prosaic as that sounds, that is one of the legal significances of marriage.

[springydaffs]

Womens Aid will support you on an exit plan, Katie. Sounds like they're doing a good job -

however, I would suggest you get all your ducks in a row before you take the leap to leave the marriage. The comment He said I didn't need to return to work after dc1 born. sent a chill through my heart. (T-shirt, completely in his power ) and the 'you can't know what I earn because you'll spend it' all scream financial abuse ie controlling you through finances. Because of all this, it's likely he will duck and dive and dodge once you pull out the big guns ie separation/divorce. So play the long game and get as much info as possible before you leave. (Perhaps stop asking about the bank statements etc so he relaxes - he's probably got it all locked up tight somewhere because you keep asking.)

[Justeat]

I really don't want to b a single-parent, but I can't live in financial ignorance.
If he can't or won't open up financially, then it's the end.

[Justeat]

Thanks daffs.
Wot info do I need?

[Lweji]

I'd play it by assuming that he'll transfer money to his siblings as soon as you leave.
With the help of a solicitor you may be able to freeze his accounts before he has the chance to do it.

[januarycat]

Bogeyface - I think it will go to court, but he is 'special' and 'above the law'.

Im very patient though.

[Justeat]

I'm not going anywhere.
He will have 2 leave.
We have a baby and dc (6).

[aegeansky]

Justeat, I'm so sorry. But this situation is just plain wrong and serious. I hope you have the courage to leave him, hard as that may seem, because if you don't, you're just letting him bully you.

[Lweji]

Then make sure you get a residency order.

I suspect he will make your life very difficult if you stay in the house while he's there too.

[Bogeyface]

January is he self representing by any chance?

[springydaffs]

Discuss your exit strategy with womens aid. They will give you a list and also tell you the best way to access the details you need. You need some clear space to work on this, not rushed/cloak and dagger/posting under the duvet!

btw you are legally, in one sense, business partners - it wouldn't make much sense for one business partner to not know how much money there is in the business. Particularly if the other partner knows but is witholding that info. Particularly if that other partner has made arrangements for a third party, who has nothing to do with the business, to receive monies should something happen to that partner.

[Lweji]

Slightly confused.
Justeat, are you also the OP?
And are you also complaining that he doesn't eat at home?

[Quinteszilla]

So you are the poster with the husband who never eats at home?

You really need to leave him. This is not a relationship. You are the woman who is raising his kids, but will never be a life partner, and will never be good enough.

[katiejon]

Using bullet points, what do I say to legal advisor?

[Lweji]

Financially, or to get a divorce?

[Lweji]

Check this

But I'd also ask specifically about
*estimated costs
*how to prevent him from draining his personal accounts/find out how much he has
*how to stay in the home and make him leave

[WipsGlitter]

What sort of legal adviser? As lweji says it depends on your proposed course of action.

[Justeat]

To either be open or to end our marriage.

[WipsGlitter]

I'm sorry but how can a legal adviser help you with either of those? You really need to talk to your husband, explain that you just want to know about your financial security and if he's not prepared to share more information with you then you will be forced to separate.

So if you chose to end your marriage you will then need to find a solicitor.

[Quinteszilla]

This is getting confusing, you are posting with three different names, Justeat, katiejon, and Katiejon, and only the Katiejon id is highlighting your posts. Can you please confirm that all three posters are the same person?

[fideline]

januarycat also seems to be OP (?) Quint

[fideline]

OP why are you using so many NNs? It soes make it hard to follow. Are you afraid your H is aware of your MN details?