DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

[Katiejon]

Overtime varies, consultancy and separate project work in addition to normal job.

[Iggi101]

Sharaluck if he deserves a reward for the overtime, doesn't the-one-left-alone-with-their-dcs deserve a reward for their additional work too?

How can the OP know if she is being "kept short" as several posters have asked, if she doesn't know how big the pot is? If I were a SAHM married to a teacher, getting a decent amount of money would be different than if I were married to a partner in a law firm; and again if I were married to Bill Gates being kept short would mean something entirely different!

[Pregnantberry]

When you're living together with a partner and have joint accounts it creates a financial association - his credit history is tied to yours and pops up on your record when you get credit checked. If you ever need to apply for some kind of financial help such as benefits, help with court fees or for your children to apply for student loans/grants/bursaries if they go to university you also need knowledge of both of your incomes to claim. I think if you are in that kind of relationship with each other then you need a certain amount of financial trust and honesty.

[BuggersMuddle]

Sharaluck But is the OP sitting getting her nails done while the DC are cared for by someone else while he earns his overtime? If so, fair enough, but if mutually agreed that she'd be a SAHM and she's 'tied' to house and kids while he does overtime, I think that's a bit different.

I sometimes work weekends, which is one of the few occasions I get overtime but we have no kids. I don't tend to adjust the joint account contribution to reflect this. If I was doing it a shedload and as a result DP took on much more of the housework, then I would.

[Katiejon]

He was/is working overtime while on paternity leave and annual leave, so not with me and dcs.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Why did you give up work OP - was he not prepared to pay his share of the childcare bill?

[Dahlen]

I find it very weird that you don't know. I know there are excpetions like RhondaJean above, but I suspect these are the exceptions that prove the rule and that RhondaJean and her DH actually have financial independence from each other.

The difference here is that you are reliant on an income you have no control over and aren't even allowed to know how much.

IMO family money should be pooled (this doesn't necessarily require joint accounts) with each partner having the same degree of spending money out of what is left per month. That spending money is theirs, to do with as they wish. If they wish to save it and accumulate a large sum while the other fritters it away and is left with nothing, that's their right. What's not acceptable however is a situation where one person is managing on barely above poverty levels while the other has savings running into thousands and is able to afford luxury goods. That's not a relationship, that's exploitation.

I suspect the OP is trying to find out which camp she falls into, though I'm guessing that there are other behaviours which have led to suspect the latter if she's honest with herself and probably account for her decision to post on here.

[thedrunkenduck]

I don't get this either. It makes no sense- granted I only knew the true amount my DH earned when we applied for a mortgage but he gave me an idea when we were planning on getting married.

[Katiejon]

Not having a manicure!
Scrubbing baby bottles and supervising homework etc.

[NearTheWindymill]

I don't particularly agree with you pregnantberry. For starters you have to have joint accounts for that to happen (which we don't) and secondly it would have to snow in hell before we were eligible for any grants or bursaries so that's a bit irrelevant.

We have mutual trust but that doesn't mean we have to count each others pennies - we trust each other enough to know we will both look after our own pennies.

[Sharaluck]

Do you have a problem with the amount of overtime? Is it too much and are you feeling he is not pulling his weight at home?

Is there no family/joint savings account at all?

[Lweji]

Its his money, he earnt it, he can spend it on whatever he chooses but why does he have to keep it a secret?

Actually, as he is married, it's not his money, it's theirs.
They choose to keep it separate, but it's still theirs.

You could tell him the alternative is for you to divorce and get all his finances investigated.

Check this

[Teacherspetty]

The mortgage worries me. Are you on the mortgage? do you jointly own the house?

[Katiejon]

I was a secretary. My salary was low compared with his. He said I didn't need to return to work after dc1 born.
Am grateful 2 u all for ur support, it's ok for me to know his income,

[Katiejon]

Hmm, interesting link.
Shared money.

[LEMmingaround]

lweji - i concur

[SolidGoldBrass]

The fact that he ignores the question when you ask him about it suggests that something's not right. If he said, look, overtime money is my treat money, that might be sort of fair enough (as long as you are able to access enough money for yourself and DC) but the fact that he just won't tell you suggests that he considers himself the person in the relatonship and you more of a domestic appliance.
You mention that he was keener than you to have more than one DC - do you feel he is isolating you and wants to keep you dependent and shut away at home? Also, do you actually have enough money for your needs and general family needs - eg, if you decide to buy yourself a new coat, or an ice cream for the DC, can you do that without worrying or having to ask for extra money?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

So we aren't just talking a few hours overtime at £20 an hour here are we?

If he is taking on extra projects and consultancy that is taking place during annual leave and paternity leave FFS, then that is possibly going to be a fair amount of money. Also, he is just assuming that the OP will be around 100% of the time to look after his children.

He is in effect treating you like a servant OP.

I really would be going and having a chat with a solicitor. All very convenient for him 'oh you don't need to go back to work', 'you need to stop the CB because I earn too much'. I think he likes you penniless and completely dependant on him.

[Teacherspetty]

I can't imagine not knowing what money we had as a family. He has no right to keep that from you. In fact, legally you have every right to know.

[NearTheWindymill]

Well, yes, very good points sgb. I never had concerns about things like that and if I'd asked, I suppose he would have told me - I just assumed.

[Katiejon]

He doesn't keep me short of spending money, provided he transfers the money!
I go out and am not isolated.

[Kahlua4me]

The problem seems to be, not so much that you don't know his salary or take home pay, more that he won't answer any questions when asked. Surely, if there is an honest and open relationship he would answer any questions as they arose. I don't think you necessarily need to know his exact salary but I think you should be involved in decisions about savings, mortgage etc.

In my case, my dh is self employed, so income varies every month. However I do all the banking and paperwork so I know how much he is bringing home and where it all goes. I doubt if dh would have a clue about any of it, income or how much any of our bills were!

[NearTheWindymill]

Well, what happens if he doesn't transfer it?

Could you work it like we used to? I had enough in my account to buy everything we needed for a month and at the end of the month I used to give him the tally with all the receipts attached and he used to give me a cheque. I don't think he ever went through the receipts and he certainly never questioned anything I'd every spent.

[Lweji]

Do you have your own savings?