DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

[Lweji]

Do you have your own savings?

[Buckteethjeff]

I can't actually believe that some pp are condoning the secrecy towards dh wage.

Everythng should be out on the table.

Op I've not managed to catch all the thread but how long have you been in this situation?

I'm in a similar situation , I've give up work to be a SAHM so totally dependant on dp wage.

It's took awhile for joint finance to sink in, the depositing do bills money should have kept me happy and I've I needed anything I just needed to ask

If I asked to see wage slips though, he would as he was alwYs I texted to know who much I was earning before I gave up.

Have you got any saving plans?

I think there is something fundamentally wrong when your with holding important information like that.

What are you going to do?

[Katiejon]

Off to sleep now.
Will catch up with this thread tomorrow am.
Please keep posting.
I have to think, if dh refuses to tell me his income, then where does that leave our marriage, how he treats me?

[MyDHhasnomemory]

My ex was self employed and did not have pay slips. I was always in the dark about financial matters. Things went tits up and looking back I wish I had been more aware of the family finances. I had no idea how bad things were, until he had to tell me.

[RhondaJean]

Did you want to give up work?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Alibaba, how is he treating her like a servant? He pays for her every need and appears happy to let her not work and contribute to their costs? Not my definition of a slave.

They are also her children and looking after children is what parents do. Its not childcare, just parenting.

The OP could have continued to work but opted not too. Childcare would have been a joint expense so it doesnt matter if one earns more than the other.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

HappyMummy - you are always deliberately obtuse on threads like this, I shan't engage.

[Lweji]

The problem is that he did extra work on parental leave and holiday, instead of sharing child care. The OP saw nothing of that money even though she provided the childcare during that time.

Yes, he pays her, so she's a servant, not a slave. But not an equal.

[Scornedwoman67]

OP I don't agree that he's treating you like a servant at all. But you are jointly responsible for your finances in law. And for that reason you are entitled to know what his financial position is.

[Dahlen]

Actually she could be considered a slave. The definition is either being held as property of another, sometimes but not always against their will.

I'd love it if I had a house husband. Way, way cheaper than outsourcing childcare, with the added advantage of not having to pay a separate housekeeper either. Having a SAHP is an asset to someone trying to maintain a career. It is generally far more flexible, cheaper and less stressful than trying to outsource it.

If the earner is earning good money and respects what their partner does for them, the partner can also be equally onto a good thing. This sort of arrangement works really well for both. However, if I have a childcare professional working for me, I can't extend their hours as I see fit with little or no notice without being prepared for them to say no and without being prepared to pay extra for the privilege. I accept I have no right to expect them to give up their days 'off' and receive no pay. Even if you take out the remuneration element, there's the small matter of consideration towards another. And if you can't be considerate towards your DP/DW/DH more than anyone, it doesn't say much about your relationship IMO.

WOHP/SAHP arrangements work best when each person feels they have the best end of the deal and is grateful for the other person facilitating that. As soon as any kind of taking for granted or exploitation sets in, it gets very unbalanced very quickly and can easily become unhealthy or even downright abusive.

[Dahlen]

Paraphrased definition that is.

[LEMmingaround]

Happymumofone - you are having a little joke aren't you?

[AnswersThroughHaiku]

You know his basic
Pay, so make your plans from that.
It sounds like he is

Squirreling away
Extra money for himself.
Seems quite sensible,

And oft advised here.
As long as the bills are paid,
What is the problem?

[Katiejon]

Problem is, his Will states his employed brothers inherit any cash not in our joint account!

[Katiejon]

How can I work when dh works even when on leave from main job?

[impty]

I think as you have both decided (I presume) for you to stay at home, that it's vital for you to be aware of the family finances.

You are vunerable if you rely on someone who isn't open and honest.

[LEMmingaround]

I don't think it is relevant whether the OP works or not. He is witholding a massive chunk of information, she rightly wants to know how much he is earning in overtime - she has to look after the children when he is doing this, now assuming that most men pitch in with the childcare when they get home from work etc, this is extra time that the OP is having to parent unsupported - that can be harsh, i know im pretty damned chuffed when DP gets home and i can get a break and my DD is 8! I struggle to accept that he should be putting in overtime if it is not for the benefit of his family and rather is squirrelling it away for himself, whilst is wife is holding the fort at home. fuck that.

[AnswersThroughHaiku]

So ask him and don't
Let him ignore it. And ask him
To change his will.

[Rupertandfifi]

Op - I feel uneasy about this setup.
Have you just found out about the will? What is he thinking of with that? Putting his siblings above his own children in the event of his death. What other cover has he / you in place, do you know?

[impty]

If you feel you can't work or earn because he makes it impossible. If you feel he hids money from you. If you are made to feel in his power because he holds all the finances, (and only you know if any of these are true), do you think that you are in a healthy, equal relationship?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

His brothers inherit rather than you? I think you would find you could challenge that very successfully on the part of your children.

Do you love him? Because I would really, really be thinking about divorcing someone who clearly held me in such low regard.

[RhondaJean]

I think it's hugely relevant whether she works or not.

Op I am asking for the third time now.

Did you want to give up work and are you happy with the decision to do so.

I'm thinking you didn't and you aren't and that worries me far more than not looking at the bank statements.

There's been a lot of questions you're not answering which I think hint at the real issue - ones like, are you on the mortgage/house, did you know how the mortgage was set up, how much he earns then?

[woodlandwanderwoman]

Katie to specify that in his will implies it is significant. I would be asking why wouldn't he leave it to you and / or your DC in the event he wasn't there to bring in money for the family anymore? Would there be enough in joint account for you to live on?

It sounds odd to me, suffice to say he is hiding something and it's more than just his overtime rate. I can see why you're frustrated, I hate people hiding things.

[impty]

The will does tip the balance. I would be having a major talk about all this, with a possible plan to leave, if the finances weren't out in the open and will made to be more fair.

[LEMmingaround]

What brought the question up OP? You say there are no money worries (that you know of) and that you feel well provided for, i just wondered why the question arose? (of course you are entitled to know). WHY is he putting his brothers before his immediate family?