DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

[RhondaJean]

He is allowed some finances of his own you know.

As long as he is making sure his family are well provided for as well, I don't think he needs to be handing every penny over to you.

I'm thinking now it's more of a control issue for you and that you are actually not comfortable with being a sahm?

[Katiejon]

Amount could be £1, 000 per month, or £100.
He is highly skilled.
Yes, strange to keep secret.

[HappyMummyOfOne]

You could always work and do the same, transfer your share of the bills and save/spend the rest yourself.

As long as the bills are paid and he is happy to be the sole earner, does it matter he doesnt transfer every penny of his salary over?

All couples have different set ups, no one way is right.

[Katiejon]

He doesn't have to every penny over to me, I want to know his salary in order to financially plan.
It's irresponsible of me to stay ignorant.

[BuggersMuddle]

Do you know for a fact that the overtime is paid?

Reason I ask is if you know his basic (and he's clearly a higher rate taxpayer if no CB) then he may not get an overtime payment, it might just be written into his contract that he may need to work additional hours. I am fairly well paid, but certainly don't get overtime if I have to travel / do a 70 hour week or whatever.

I do think it's odd to be so secretive though. I wouldn't be able to accept that. I don't open DP's payslip he does open my mail, but then I'm a bit crap with mail but I know where it's filed and have filed it myself, so can see it any time I want.

[RandomMess]

Is he actually working the overtime or is he doing something else hence no money to show for overtime and being so shady about it...

[ThePinkOcelot]

Is he really working the overtime he says he is?

[RhondaJean]

I'm not clear on what it is you are wanting to financially plan.

You obviously know his basic salary.

I am getting that you are uncomfortable but I'm trying to get to why. I would never ever want to disclose my exact earnings. It's the way I am, I am not hiding anything - but neither do we open each others mail, use each others phones, etc. your husband may just feel he needs the space of having some privacy.

[Iggi101]

I can see no positive reason for doing this. Of course OP is entitled to know this - they are a team and the overall financial picture needs to be known to both.

[Sharaluck]

So there is no family savings account?

I honestly don't see the problem with him having his own savings account/stash of overtime pay. I can understand the mentality of rewarding oneself for putting in the "extra work"

How much overtime is it? And is the amount of overtime having detrimental effects on the family? I think these are your key issues.

[LEMmingaround]

There shouldn't be any secrets in a relationship - why would you want to keep a partner at arms length over something so important.

[pootlebug]

How did you decide to be a SAHM? In our case DH and I discussed and agreed that I would be largely a SAHM (I do some work from home, but financially it is minimal compared to his income). So because we agreed this together, and have 3 children and a committed relationship together, of course I know what he earns etc. If we decide that we each keep a proportion of earnings as our own spending money, it comes out of an amount known to both of us - rather than the version you have where he contributes x amount but the rest is his to do as he chooses with.

I would understand it a little better if you were both earning and contributing to expenses (though it still wouldn't be the way we worked it). But if you have a mutual decision that you'll be a SAH parent....I don't get it.

[morethanpotatoprints]

I couldn't stand the secrecy and I think you deserve to know exactly how much money is in the pot.
It does seem a bit strange, but not necessarily anything dishonest going on.
I also agree when you have dc, you need to know what you can plan.
Ask him why he doesn't want to talk about it and maybe come to some sort of agreement. It must be hard to know what you can afford if you don't know how much you have.

[Katiejon]

Im filing paperwork now, (well, continuing tomorrow am).
I can't find savings statements and he won't discuss it.
He treats me like an idiot, not answering my question.
Big mortgage for building work, so I want to reduce mortgage by paying more, I cant find mortgage terms and conditions to check redemption info!
Curiouser and curiouser!

[HappyMummyOfOne]

Men are not allowed privacy on MN Rhonda.

Women are encouraged to have secret savings, the child benefit/tax credits to themselves, check their husbands phones etc whereas as man is slated if he doesnt hand it all over or dares touch anything of his wifes

[fideline]

Happy that isn't what the OP is saying.

[LEMmingaround]

I totally can't see the mentality in keeping it a secret - yes, absolutely have a savings account and be able to reward yourself but you don't have to keep it a secret. It sort of puts me in mind of a child hiding his sweets from his friends in case he has to share. Its his money, he earnt it, he can spend it on whatever he chooses but why does he have to keep it a secret?

[LapsedPacifist]

Savings are a family asset. OP has EVERY right to know what her family assets amount to. How on earth can she make informed decisions about or plan ahead regarding family finances without having a clue what state they are in?

And without being alarmist, it sounds as if he's squirrelling sums of family money away in his own accounts.

[Katiejon]

Hi pootle , u don't understand what, sorry, v tired.

[RhondaJean]

LEM, because some of us value our own privacy and trust our partners to behave in a decent and responsible manner?

DH and i both think similarly on this.

Obliviously so do you and your partner.

The problem here is op and her DH don't - or at least now they don't, which is a bit odd having got to the point of being married, having children and choosing to be a sahm that now it becomes an issue.

[Cabrinha]

I'm getting divorced (nothing to do with finances!) but previously had a similar set up to RhondaJean I think.
We both paid half each of everything into a joint account, and had only an approximate idea of what we each earned. I think we knew each other's basic (to within a few grand) but not bonus. His statements and payslips left lying around. Mine not, but not hidden.
I'm quite private about things, so it's not something I'd have naturally shared - but of course did on mortgage applications.
Even though I'm private, if a partner asked me outright, I'd say. Afterall - they're my partner. Why wouldn't I?
I'd be unimpressed - more so when you're not both financially independent.

[Quitelikely]

If you know his salary then you must know his hourly rate. Work it out. How many hours overtime is he doing per week?

Ask him outright why he won't tell you? Whats his reasoning

[Katiejon]

Yes, hiding money away, exactly.
OMG, am worried now he is preparing for a divorce.

[Sharaluck]

I understand rhondjeans point of view.

I am a private person and need a degree of privacy within my marriage. I don't share passwords to email/ phone and would never want to know my dh's. I have friends he doesn't know and so does he. We have at times had our own bank accounts (we are financially struggling more now, so these are empty!)

I wouldn't have a problem with him keeping his overtime secret, unless we needed the money or he was always away doing overtime and not spending enough time at home.

[NearTheWindymill]

We have been married for nearly 24 years. I knew what DH had earnt for the few years just before and after we were married and we jogged along like that until the DC were about 8 and 5. And then it sort of slipped out that his earnings had more than quadrupled and I was a bit "oh, so I've been buying basics and you're raking it in?". Then I thought, well, I never asked, we have everything we need so what's the big deal, he's not exactly the last of the big spenders.

I do keep closer tabs now because he still tries to live with holes in his socks, etc. . At the end of the day, he's technically self employed so doesn't necessarily always know exactly what will come in in the next twelve months and is very cautious that there is always enough in the bank to cover expenses.

I work too now and to be entirely he doesn't know exactly what I earn (a drop in the ocean) or what I've got in the bank either.

We have what we want and neither of us have ever felt the need to live to our means. It helps because we have similary attitudes to money, ie, neither of us like spending it much.