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Original poster

DH won't tell me how much he earns.

439 replies

Katiejon · 24/03/2014 20:39

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

OP posts:
airforsharon · 26/03/2014 13:57

wisps of course not! But I guess you and your dh are both working, and both happy with the situation as it is. It works for you, and that's fine.

Fwiw, I've had 2 sections, was back to normal about 6 weeks after 1st, but still had pain and some mobility problems until the 4th month after the 2nd, thanks mainly to a post-op infection that caused problems and just the general trying to care for three small dcs (2nd birth was twins) after surgery. So it's feasible OP is still recovering.

LEMmingaround · 26/03/2014 14:22

No of course it doesn't Hmm But that would be (i assume) that you aren't both taking active steps to prevent the other person knowing what is in their bank accounts. Like i say, the only reason i know what DP earns is because i do the accounts but we have never kept secrets from each other - that isn't a team, that isn't a couple, that isn't a family. That is simply two people living in the same house.

WipsGlitter · 26/03/2014 14:52

We are a team, we are a family, but we can still have private information. It works for us.

Crinkle77 · 26/03/2014 15:52

Does he think it's the 1950's or something. That is just unbelievable!

merrymouse · 26/03/2014 16:10

If you both maintain complete financial independence and you have no children, that is up to you.

If you aren't open about your finances with your partner and you have children you are either withholding money from your children or not enabling your partner to take informed decisions about their future.

WipsGlitter · 26/03/2014 16:14

Rubbish. We take informed joint decisions - "are you going to pay for X or will I?"

The big difference is that we have a comfortable income so it's not a matter of can we afford it but more who is going to pay for it/whose turn is it to pay.

Are children want for nothing!

merrymouse · 26/03/2014 16:23

"Are you going to pay for x or will I" only works if you have limitless funds. You can only budget and plan if you know how much money you have. If your partner won't share financial details, the only prudent choice is to assume that they have nothing and hope they aren't in debt.

Vaguely thinking "well they seem to have paid the mortgage" is a recipe for disaster.

LEMmingaround · 26/03/2014 16:24

I really don't see how the level of income makes one iota of difference. Do you mean to say that if your DH for whatever reason asked about wht you was earning, what there is available in your account that you would refuse to tell him?

Viviennemary · 26/03/2014 16:27

I can't really see how people can't make joint decisions if they have absolutely no idea of how much their partner earns or how much savings they have. Perhaps I am missing something here.

merrymouse · 26/03/2014 16:29

I think it is sensible to withhold information if your partner is abusive or suffering from addiction e.g spending, drinking, gambling. Hopefully that wouldn't be the case though.

Beastofburden · 26/03/2014 16:38

How strange.

Does he do an online tax return? Does he keep his log-in information where you might accidently fall over it and your flailing fingers type it into the HMRC website?

struggling100 · 26/03/2014 16:40

I can kind of see how you could make practical decisions without this information, by going round the edge of the topic ('Should we move? I can afford £X more on the mortgage each month - can you?'). However, this assumes that the decisions being made are ones about purchasing things that are not really necessary, - i.e. they are the kind of decisions a well-off family would make. If you had to make really tough choices about managing the family budget and cutting certain things out, I can't see that this would be very easy without sharing such information, partly because you couldn't really make an informed choice.

And leading on from that, at a moral level, how do you decide what is a just distribution of finances, e.g. if someone is working less but putting more effort into child-rearing, don't they deserve some of the financial benefits of the higher-paid party? What if a family is absolutely on the breadline and one party has to go without food due to unforeseen circumstances (loss of wages due to illness), while the other has enough money to buy DVDs - is that really fair?

merrymouse · 26/03/2014 16:48

How much you are prepared to spend per month on housing is a conversation you have with a flat mate, not somebody you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

The only way I think you could live like this would be if you aren't doing any financial planning at all. This only makes sense if you are spectacularly wealthy (and even then you could come a cropper) or like living a hand to mouth existence.

merrymouse · 26/03/2014 16:54

(Actually you should have the how much to spend per month conversation with your spouse, but you should also discuss the length of the mortgage, what kind of interest rate, what will happen if one of you can't work, how long you intend to live there etc. etc. you can't do any of this properly if you have no idea what your potential resources are).

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 26/03/2014 16:58

The only thing the OP knows is that her DH earns enough that they are not entitled to CB. So it is £60k+

£60k with a big mortgage and a SAHM does not make for limitless funds to spend without a care in the world.

However, it could be £60k, £600k or six million for all she knows. The OP at least deserves to know the approximate amount within a few %.

Also, what they have in savings, pension arrangements, life insurance for both of them, because if she dies, the DH is not going to be able to look after 2 DCs and continue to work like he does now, how much the mortgage and other bills are, how much 'fun money' they both have, what sort of holidays they can afford, are there any debts, what savings they have for the DCs etc etc.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 17:14

Am reading thread.thanx all.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2014 17:36

Katie- I hope you are able to get what you need in support from WA. I do think it worthwhile to talk to a solicitor, if only to resolve the conflicting information posted here as to what rights you have to discover DH's financial position. Do you have the right to dig for information through his papers? Does he indeed have the right to tell you it's none of your business? These are important things to know! You also need to start to understand your financial rights in case you want to leave him or, worst case, he decides his financial privacy and/or 'male pride' is more important than your marriage.

And for those saying 'we don't tell/would never tell each other shite' or whatever. The point is that YOU are HAPPY with that arrangement. And that's fine, what ever works and all that. But Katiejon is NOT happy. And it doesn't matter what's gone before, doesn't matter that he earns the money, doesn't matter what 'we' do, IT DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is that she is not happy NOW. And if he cared one iota about her, he would care about THAT & at least try to work together for some type of resolution that would hopefully satisfy both of them! But he apparently doesn't care enough, and that speaks of a partner who doesn't feel that their spouse is equal in the marriage or even deserving of some small respect. And that is very troubling!

This is just the tip of the marital iceberg, IMHO. Katiejon may or may not wish to share other things that may be troubling her with her marriage. I think she's shared enough to let us all know that she needs to take some kind of stand and be prepared to ltb.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 17:48

What does ltb mean?

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 26/03/2014 17:55

Leave the bastard

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 17:59

Except I mustn't leave the marital home unless its unsafe for me 2 stay.
Legal advice.
I know what u mean.

OP posts:
QuiteSo · 26/03/2014 18:00

My guess is he's hiding assets in the run-up to a divorce.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 18:02

Or in case of a divrce, which will be of his own making.

OP posts:
airforsharon · 26/03/2014 18:08

OP, if you really think that's the way things are heading, please look into a free half hour consult with a solicitor specializing in this area.

He can try and hide assets all he likes, a good solicitor will sniff them out.

Bluegrass · 26/03/2014 18:11

When this thread started the OP said she knew his salary, it was only the overtime element she didn't know about. That is presumably not a huge percentage of his basic unless he is doing absolutely massive amounts.

The way it has developed it is as if people think she has absolutely no idea what he earns, even a ballpark figure. Something about the responses looks odd, why are we hearing nothing about other aspects of the marriage, good or bad? Lots of people have asked. Also, knowing what culture are you from might give some clues to what is going on. I feel like there is loads we are not being told which is probably relevant.

QuiteSo · 26/03/2014 18:18

That's what I mean. He may be planning divorce and hiding money elsewhere (offshore accounts if he's clever or his brother's bank account if not so clever). Definitely get a good solicitor and tell them all this; they'll probably have heard it all before.