DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

To quote the OP:

"I know the amount before overtime. The amount he transfers over doesn appear to include overtime pay.
I can't find any payslips."

It would be interesting to know what percentage of his basic salary he is transferring to you. 10%, 50%, more than half? Presumably you are using his base salary as the assumption for financial planning, but I guess you don't know if he is saving anything, is that right?

The point isn't that OPs DH could earn £60k or £600k. She know his basic salary RTFT peeps!

The point is he won't tell her how much he earns from OVERTIME, which has a negative impact on OP and the family as he is working when he could be being part of the family. Therefore OP doesn't know if his overtime is worth it overall.

And the other point is that he classes this overtime pay as his money when OP makes a sacrifice in terms of extra childcare in order to enable him to do overtime. This is generally regarded as unfair.

Also as he won't tell her how much he gets from this overtime, he is being financially secretive. She can't find bank statements etc so there is a trust issue.

I spoke with womens aid 2day. Am moving forward, I want to be able 2 say 2 him show me statements or I'll show u separation papers, and b abl 2 go thru with it.

You are being very strong. I admire you.

Please everyone keep telling me 2 ask dh 2 sho me bank statements.

Keep telling you?

You haven't answered any questions relating to other aspects of your marriage. So, no, I'm not going to encourage you because there isn't enough information exchange here - rather there is a very one sided debate.

Why not just not post then windymill You don't sign a tell all policy to get support here. I daresay there are other issues but the OP clearly doesn't want to discuss them on the thread. She asked for views on secrecy over accounts, simple as that.

What has his reaction been OP? are you ok?

Windmill makes a reasonable point (very mildly) LEM

I have my reservations about the wisdom of repeating mantras at OP's request and refraining from asking pertinent questions.

It doesn't sound like she has asked him LEM.

That's why she is asking us to repeatedly tell her to ask him (I think).

Just ask him. Unless there's something you're not saying I don't understand what is stopping you.

Is he worried you'll overspend?

It's very hard to know how to advise when OP doesn't answer rather relevant questions (or tells us that she won't be).

I think she HAS asked him and that he either refuses to respond or intimidates her in some way. Or perhaps she is retiring by nature and doesn't like confrontation.

Either way, I don't need to be judgey or know everything to offer support. If she truly needs my support, it's there. If she's blowing smoke up my skirt & doesn't really need it, I haven't lost anything by offering it. Not like she's asking ME for money.

If she's blowing smoke up my skirt

That's a new one

If she has asked him, then WHY at 19.38, does OP request;

'Please everyone keep telling me 2 ask dh 2 sho me bank statements.'

??

Why has Op turned into a txt speaking bot ?

Hi.
Have typed in text cos about to go out for a avon type party.
Am reluctant to provide too much info in case anyone in RL identifies me.
I wanted to try to ascertain if dh being unreasonable in his secrecy, I can see now he is, I don't waste money and pay c card off in full each month.

I have asked him for statements, I need to keep asking him.
Thing is, as mentioned up thread, we r just people who live together, although we do have a marriage certificate.

I have no idea what's being saved by him, if anything being saved at all.

You should only need to ask him once

Why will repeatedly asking him make any difference ?

if he isn't willing to share this information then a divorce solicitor will make him. Do that.

What AF said.

Am in contact with womens aid for legal advice and emotional support.
U r right, I should only need to ask once.
His reaction is odd, he got angry at me 4 asking.

Hi Katie im sorry ive no personal experience of this ive never been married but when i do i would hate to be in this position.

You sound like a very close friend of mine who is 100% dependant on her partner she has no income of her own he pays for everything, gives her 20 a week for herself but will take her shopping etc if her or the kids need new clothes. They live in a nice big house and comes home picking faults that this and that hasnt been cleaned right he is very controlling but she takes it because of the nice house the nice cars etc. It sounds to me that your chap could be similar to him.

What sort of man is he generally? I think if i was you id try to get some sort of independance i know you say you cant with the cost of childcare but i dont think you should be reliant on him he could have all sorts of debts and schemes going on. Found it strange about the will aswell :/

Dont want to worry you also but you mentioned over time? Are you sure he is doing overtime and not going elsewhere? Not just talking affairs but could he have a gambling addiction or something also ?

There's other past events, I won't talk about them cos I dont want 2 b identified.