DH won't tell me how much he earns.

[Katiejon]

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

It interests me when people are different. So if one person in these secrecy relationships gets a pay rise do they not want to go home and say wow I got a rise to X or ugh I pay 45% tax now or my BP shares went up 5% or my bonus is 3k. Most couples surely particularly when they both work in ordinary conversation are likely to mention this kind of thing.

Yes. Were in a secret relationship but I know DP has got his bonus and roughly how much it is (not to the penny!!) and we're having vague discussions on what to spend some of it on (most goes against the mortgage). We've not had any pay raises with talking about! So you can still have some 'secrecy' over actual amounts.

Hmm. To a degree, yes, but my dh is technically self-employed so his gross and net annual income is never straightforward and nearly always a ball park figure. It can go up or down so perhaps we depend less on what it will always be and plan more for the contingencies - not that we have needed them so far. The DC know broadly what we are worth, that it will be split down the middle and what is set aside already for them.

I think compatibility is about having the same approach to money and finance and it works because we do. DH will come home and tell me what he has spent or invested in but he doesn't have to tell me or seek my permission beforehand. But then he's never spent money in a silly or selfish fashion so it's never been a worry.

We often say how lucky we are because we have everything we want and then laugh and say, "yes, because we don't want much". We are very fortunate I suppose in having Chardonnary tastes and Champagne money rather than Champagne tastes and beer money. That I think is the root of most arguments about money and we know some very rich couples with very privileged and expensive lifestyles who argue about money because one has spending habits out of sync with the other.

But surely a decision on the patio shouldn't be based on your partner being able to magic up some cash, but a discussion about how that affects your savings and whether that would also leave you with enough money to replace the boiler if necessary?

How can you have conversation about whether a child should go to a private school without planning on how you are going to pay fees e.g. for the next 12 years and discussing what effect that might have on the rest of your finances e.g. how often will you be able to replace your car? can you also go on holiday? what would happen if one of you couldn't work?

To be fair, if one of you is self employed these might not be easy questions to answer. However, with a more accurate idea of the risks involved in your partner's business you might also decide that being a SAHM isn't a sensible idea or that perhaps you should be saving more.

I can't help thinking that people who claim they don't need to know their partner's income say this on the basis that they don't think they need to plan their spending at all.

"Our house does seem to be on the small side these days and I've been wondering whether we might start thinking about possibly moving."

"Hmmm."

"If this is possible, could you let me know how much money we've got saved so we can think about possibilities?"

"No, the savings amount is my secret."

"Oh, OK. We'll just so I can have a vague idea, if I were to start looking at houses £20,000 more expensive than this one, would our savings cover that?"

"It's none of your business."

Probably true merrymouse although I gather the OPs husband is a high earner. And she specifically wants to know what his overtime is.

The points you make would be taken as read in our house merrymouse. When DS moved schools I knew we had the capital to cover the lion's share and that was paid up front so even if DH had run away with another woman he couldn't have touched that money. What I'm saying is I didn't need exact amounts. Ooh DH earned 100k more than expected this year, therefore we need a joint plan to spend it. That's not how we work.

AFAIC I still don't think we know enough other info about the OPs relationship and life to conclude financial abuse. And if her DH has a high income I don't get the overtime -most professionals don't get it.

You paid more than a year's worth of fees up front?

What about the rest of the money you might need to pay off debts and buy food if your DH suddenly disappeared?

I don't think you need to know exact amounts all the time, but if you ask for the information and it is withheld something is wrong.

IMO You shouldn't be giving HMRC more financial information than you give your spouse. (Particularly as HMRC will be looking at transactions between spouses if they examine your tax affairs.)

We paid six year's up front - you get a discount.

The overtime thing is confusing. OP did you mean extra work, additional consulting projects, or did you mean proper hourly rate paid overtime?

I am with AwfulMaureen - this is a complete no no -what if anything happened?!

Hi everyone.
I simply want 2 know his income.
Normal pay plus extra income.
Its amazing that I've ended up with such a long thread.
My friend told me that a family holiday will do us good.
I asked her how can I spend money on a holiday when I have no idea of savings in case of emergency, eg £1, 000 on car repairs or flood damage.

Have you sat down and explained these worries to your husband? Does he just say 'mind your own business', or blank you? If you said you wanted to book a holiday could you do that? Do you have access to money / credit? You must have some sense from the amounts you are 'allowed' to spend if a £1000 bill would be a problem. Are you told to watch what you spend or cut back?

Katie with the greatest of respect, having heard the terms of your DH's will, you have much bigger problems than 'simply wanting to know his income'.

Hi fide, that's another thing I'm v aware of.
So much is wrong, imo.
Am getting professional legal and emotional suppott.

Good for you. I wish you all the best. You need an exit plan. He kneeds to know exactly why not functioning as a single unit is disrespectful at best and damaging to the point of divorce at worst.

Once you've gained all the info you can on your situation and have an exit plan fully worked out, confront and explain one last time to give him a chance to understand. If he doesn't you're ready to ditch him immediately before he has time to work against you further. Your fighting for your rights here and there's no reason to think, given current circumstances, that in the event of a split he won't redouble his efforts to protect himself and limit your claims.

V glad to hear it.

Don't let things drift. Good luck.

I can't be bothered 2 argu with him.
I don't think he ever had any intention of being honest with me, right from our engagement, we didn't liv 2gethr and I wasn't pregnant.
We r more like housemates taking care of children.

I asked him why money is going into another account.
He said it was to avoid me wasting it!
I don't waste money and have never had a debt problem.
I can't be bothered to argue with him anymore, I have to formulate an exit plan, any ideas?

Hi, I'm a guy and was married for 10 years. This is just plain absurd behaviour on his part, and I can't think of a justifiable reason. Marriage means sharing everything, including transparency about money, and with-holding this information is hardly a basis for developing trust. I would show him this thread, or at least probe and probe until he gives in.

Wot if he doesn't give in?

OP, I wouldn't accept this. There is just no acceptable reason. It's causing you a lot of angst and he is showing you considerable disrespect by not giving you this very basic information. Don't give in. Ask him why he won't tell you. The way he answers that question should give you a lot of cues, even if he still doesn't say what you want to hear. It sounds like very patriarchal behaviour at the very least, way out of kilter with our times.

What do I do? He says it's his money.
It's so controlling.

Good luck op.

Im in the process of divorcing H who sounds similar to yours. He would NEVER disclose his true income. He still thinks he can refuse to give 'full financial disclosure' when requested by my solicitor ...

Hope you get it sorted one way or another.