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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH won't tell me how much he earns.

439 replies

Katiejon · 24/03/2014 20:39

DH won't tell me his total take home pay.
He is employed, but his salary goes into another account and he transfers money in to our joint account.
He won't discuss this with me.
Bills etc are paid.
What do I do? He is secretive.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 26/03/2014 22:56

If you go through divorce, all his financial information will be laid bare won't it?
Sorry you are going through this.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2014 22:57

Katie, you have hundreds of posts all with a varying amounts of identifying information on them, all under this name

Giving a bit more detail here would help people to help you, and yet you are strangely reticent

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 22:58

Yup, will be laid bare but I legally cant reveal info ive obtained by snooping.
He has to declare it.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 26/03/2014 22:59

If he is angry that you asked then he is definitely doing something that is not in your interest.
He could be hiding a gambling habit, or drugs, or some other overindulgence. Or he could just enjoy the power he gains over you by keeping you in the dark.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 23:01

The only person who can help me is me.
Mumsnetters have helped me to confirm my belief that I'm fully entlted to know the household income in order to plan for mine and our children's future.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/03/2014 23:03

Have you told him yet that this is a deal breaker?

I agree that there is something bad here. I wouldnt get your hopes up about savings, I rather suspect that his overtime money has been spaffed on gambling or something equally horrible, or that the overtime never actually existed......:(

fideline · 26/03/2014 23:10

Thing is, as mentioned up thread, we r just people who live together, although we do have a marriage certificate.

Religious ceremony unrecognised by UK law?

fideline · 26/03/2014 23:12

This all sounds so cryptic.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 23:21

No, no, an absolutely legal uk wedding with the marriage cert.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/03/2014 23:23

Fid I think she means that they are two people that happen to live in the same house and happen to have children together, and that while they also have the legal certificate of marriage, they dont in fact have a marriage in the sense of a shared life.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 23:25

Yes bogey, exactly.
I have had various recognised medical problems which I have had treatment for on my own, hw didn't come with e tho I asked him to.

OP posts:
fideline · 26/03/2014 23:25

Oh right. Well as I said, it all reads as rather cryptic to me.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 23:26

Didn't come with me, sorry typo.
Not my idea of marriage but may be his.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/03/2014 23:27

I dont think it is Fid

She feels that although she is legally married, emotionally she doesnt feel that they have a marriage in the traditional terms of sharing, giving, caring, just that they filled in a legal requirement.

If there is anything cryptic, it is coming from her H who is determined to keep his secret(s) and doesnt seem to care that it may cost him his wife and family.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 23:31

He doesn't yet know he may lose me and dcs.
He will stillsee dcs.

OP posts:
fideline · 26/03/2014 23:31

Yes I get that bit. Now that it has been explained.

I am still finding other aspects of the thread baffling.

Not a problem, though, if others can follow it and advise accordingly.

Original poster
Katiejon · 26/03/2014 23:32

Off to sleep now.
Am typing under the duvet.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2014 00:19

I can understand someone's fear of being 'outed' on MN by giving too much info. Some post because they've exhausted their RL sources, or because they are too afraid/ashamed to tell someone in RL. Either way, they would be afraid someone on this very popular & public site might recognize them. And I can see how that can appear to make someone seem 'sketchy'.

But again, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.

fideline · 27/03/2014 00:35

Any kind of evasiveness makes things sketchy, whatever the reason for it.

fideline · 27/03/2014 00:36

Not criticising, just commenting on the difficulties.

NearTheWindymill · 27/03/2014 08:03

Why do you need to plan for your family separately from him and only by knowing the exact amount he earns though OP? Can't you have the following sorts of conversations?

"The patio is on it's last legs and needs replacing, do you think I should get that organised?"

"DS1 is in Year 2, are we keeping him at St Hilda's or do you think we should think about moving him onto the prep?"

Are you happy in this house, we're bursting at the seams, as DS1 is due a school move, do you think we should think about moving to?"

There all conversations we had (well not the moving one). In the early days DH would sometimes say - x still owes me y - can you wait until I know it's in before phoning Mr Patio.

What I'm having difficulty reconciling is your desperate need to know so you can actively plan to spend and change your life and I wonder if that's what your dh is a bit shy of.

I'd also say that 15 years or so ago, with small children, we were a bit like ships in the night and I had sole responsibiity for children and home and except for knowing that we were comfortable and had enough and then more than enough I didn't know exactly what was coming in. I do now though (broadly - not to the last penny) but because I had no doubts in him, for us it worked out OP and I have seen a lot of people with workaholic husbands fall by the wayside. My tastes and spending haven't really changed over the last 25 years and I wouldn't spend any more now than I would have 20 years ago because there is no need to do so.

There was a time when I found out that DH had salted away a six figure sum whilst still watching the pennies (him), but I thought it was funny and went and had plantation shutters fitted to the front of the house (my money) "without consultation". I would say we have no secrets but I don't know exactly how much he has (although I know where all the policies are and where the list of assets is) and he doesn't know exactly what I've got either but likewise he knows where the file is. However, I would be extremely cross if he opened my bank statement or payslips and he'd be cross if I opened his post because it would cross a personal boundary and for us would indicate a lack of mutual respect and trust.

eddielizzard · 27/03/2014 08:10

i think that's fine if you generally have an honest and open relationship and you know if you asked there would be no secrets.

this is not the situation here.

Offred · 27/03/2014 09:20

I think it's completely different if you have your own money/job. If you and your dc are completely dependent on someone else you only have the ability to make any decisions yourself by knowing what their earnings/savings are.

I do object to the idea that you should have to ask your partner for things thereby giving them the ultimate authority though. I wouldn't be comfortable with that and I do think it is different to making joint decisions, if you don't know the financial situation you have to defer to the person who does, I'd see that as controlling and unequal.

JaneinReading · 27/03/2014 14:12

Near, that just illustrates how different couples are. I have never been in a marriage where both sides could not open bank statements and see everything of the other and my parents were exactly the same - zero secrets, zero privacy of finances etc. You are not wrong and I right. We are just different. Same with the children too - my father told us everything, posted us copies of each will change over the decades and I do the same with our children so they all know they are each fairly treated. An utterly open book (which is probably why I've never posted anywhere on line without at some point being identified - it's just a personality thing and probably upbringing).

eddielizzard · 27/03/2014 14:15

we just file things in our filing system and if we wanted to look at each other's stuff we could.

we do certainly discuss financial strategy and how to save for the future though. i think that's very important to have a shared goal.

the op does not have this ability. in effect she is treated as a child in their relationship and has no say over future financial strategies. she doesn't know if he's in debt or in the clear.