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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
dottee · 15/03/2004 10:35

Gotcha Janstar!

Yep! You're on my mind Spook.

How are you?

spacemonkey · 15/03/2004 10:37

Good idea janstar. I'm also thinking of you spook, hope you're OK X

spook · 15/03/2004 13:57

Hi everyone.Thanks for starting a new thread Janstar.No I am not alright.I just popped into his office-knowing he was in London-to see the girls and I found his "booty" All his cards and presents from her.The usual Christmas ones-"I love you.Have a magical Christmas"..."Thankyou for making a hard year so special.I love and cherish every moment we spend together..."As well as all sorts of "waking up next to you"shit.But the ones which really hurt are from way back in August.I was in St Tropez for the whole of August with the boys and he cam out to join us for a week or so for his birthday.There is a birthday card.."I wish we were spending your special day together..bollocks bollocks bollocks"
But there is also a card with lots of magazine cuttings stuck in like a collage.She wrote "EVERY article reminded me of you.I had to enclose a few for your amusement too"
Here they are.....
"God holidays are hell when you're in love.I mean when you're in love with someone who isn't on holiday with you.And the people you're on so-called holiday with are people who drive you mad..."
"...you'll feel most loved when he makes time for you to spend together as a couple.."
"It was once a byword for chic,but give St Tropez a miss.."
"incredible sweaty sex-they're practically overdosing on their own passion,and you're sat there thinking "yeah right,not in the real world.."

My God-when he arrived on that holiday he didn't even hug me and I sat him down sobbing saying I knew something was desperately wrong.He put his arms around me and sid their wasn't.Everything would be alright.I know he is beyond the pale but my God.She is a manipulative bitch isn't she.The reason this hurts so badly is because it is a personal insult on our marraige.He obviously had told her how much he didn't want to be with us-his family for fucks sake-and how tortuous is was to be apart.That whole card was just laughing at me.
Now it has got personal.I just left her a nasty phone message with a few home truths in it.
I realise that thee is probably no way back from this.They were serious a lot longer than he is letting on.Our marraige is quite obviously dead in the water.If anything,this discovery has made me stronger.They really are not very nice peole are they?

dinosaur · 15/03/2004 14:03

Oh Spook, how absolutely bloody awful. That makes me feel quite nauseous - how must it make you feel

jmg · 15/03/2004 14:07

Oh Spook - how absoultely horrible for you!

He's a nasty piece of work isn't he. Forget about her - she owed you nothing and you got exactly that! But him - you had a contract with him, an agreement - how dare he cast it aside so easily!

Don't ring her and leave bitchy messages - ring him he's the one who has really let you down!!

Love and hugs too - I know how much you must be hurting.

Jxx

Galaxy · 15/03/2004 14:08

message withdrawn

Janstar · 15/03/2004 14:10

The fact that you do not mention any messages saying 'I feel guilty' or 'We ought to try and stop, because this is wrong' just says it all, don't you think? I really don't like the sound of this woman at all.

Not that I am absolving him. It was his responsibility all along.

I wouldn't, however, conclude that your marriage is dead in the water because of this. Sometimes people take an awfully long time to see the truth that is staring them in the face. They also need to have something taken away before they understand the value of it.

What does have the potential to put a lid on it is how it makes you feel. If you feel there is no way back because of the amount of deceit, your h might one day be very sorry indeed.

OP posts:
spook · 15/03/2004 14:17

It's OK. I feel stronger.Things couldn't have got any worse lets face it.They will pay for what they have done.I have done nothing to be ashamed of other than be so stupid.What this does make me realise is quite what a fucking bitch he has landed himself with.She is obviously going to try every trick in the book to destroy my life and steal him away.Well-you know what.They are welcome to each other.They will have no money,no friends,no respect,no beautiful boys to cuddle and hopefully no future.
What a stupid stupid man.

Galaxy · 15/03/2004 14:18

message withdrawn

WideWebWitch · 15/03/2004 14:30

Just wanted to say sorry spook, it must be awful.

sobernow · 15/03/2004 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ponygirl · 15/03/2004 14:47

I'm so sorry, Spook, that this is all getting so horrible for you, as if it wasn't horrible enough already. You're right, she sounds pretty bloody awful and he's behaved despicably to you - they do deserve each other. I don't believe that happy relationships can be built on such lies and deceit. You have nothing to regret or be ashamed of: all you have done is show love and trust and loyalty to the man you made vows to. You kept them, even if he did not. You are strong Spook, it's showing through, and you are worth so much better than this. You can hold your head high. You have everything worth having here, what they have isn't worth your notice. Lots of love and strength to you.

dottee · 15/03/2004 15:10

Spook - little consolation but this is history repeating itself (what you're going through and what I did). But with us it wasn't St. Tropez, it was Camber Sands! Big big hug from me, I know what it's like pet!

Are you up to checking your finances? I know I keep harping on about it but is he making sure you've got enough in your purse. Do you have a joint account? Is he making sure that the service bills are being paid ... and the mortgage if you have one. I'm saying this because he's now having to pay for the flat and you mentioned that the business is in trouble. If the business goes belly-up, then being the selfish sod he is (hope you don't mind me saying that) he'll probably look after his own roof primarily.

You say you don't work. You are at this stage eligable for Income Support BUT once the DWP get involved, he will be assessed in due course for CSA. It is almost impossible to overturn a CSA decision once it's made, so you may get a better deal if they're not involved i.e. an agreement met between yourselves.

I'm telling you all this because if history is repeating itself, this will be the next episode. My ex assured me when he went to find his space that I would be OK putting all the food bills on VISA for him to pay. But when he found he had his own bills to pay (and she was chewing his ear with verbal support), he starting disputing the bills and I ended up having to pay VISA from a block payment he gave for the rest of the housekeeping which was needed to pay gas, leccy etc. I certainly had to tighten my belt. I did end up at the DWP and that day was very, very hard.

I hope this isn't too hard advice because I know you're still very upset at his absence. I just don't want you to incur debts which will stress you out even more.

Jaybee · 15/03/2004 15:14

So sorry to hear of your situation spook but you sound very strong - it sounds to me as if you have been thinking that something is going on for a while and this confirms your thinking i.e. proves that you are not imagining it and that you are not going round the bend. What did you do with the stuff? I would be tempted to collect it all up put it in a nice gift box tied with ribbon and give it to him when he gets home.

Twinkie · 15/03/2004 15:16

Honey she is a little bitch you are right - but she is not the one who you were married to - who had sworn before god to be faithful to you - I know how easy it is to be angry with the person who 'steals' someone away - but it is him who has let you down and betrayed you not her - be cross with him - please direct your anger at him - she will only take strength from your pain - he hopefully should still have an ounce of compassion left and be hurt/touched/moved (???) by your anger.

As for all of the articles - its easy to look at things like that and attach them to your life - whoopee - you know things are not like that after the first flush - hopefully she will too soon!

Thinking of you

TWINKIE XXX

fio2 · 15/03/2004 15:45

awww spook I hadnt read your thread before, but I have today (it took me ages!!) I just want to say that you sound so much stronger and self assured now from your first original post. You have done nothing wrong and nothing to be ashamed of. You sound great and I am just sorry all this shit is happening to you. Sounds like you are best rid of this creep and you are right him and his tart deserve one another. My Dad did a similar thing to my Mother years ago that caused their divorce. He never stayed with his perfect woman and still isnt happy now. My Mum on the other hand, although has been through alot of other emotional upset, IS happy. She can walk out of her front door and hold her head up high knowing she is not a shithead like he is.

Sorry you had to read all that stuff today but stay strong you sound like you are doing great ((HUGS))

motherinferior · 15/03/2004 15:46

Spook, love from me too. The bastard. He really is horrible.

Beetybeetybangbang · 15/03/2004 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spacemonkey · 15/03/2004 15:55

Have to say, I would've ripped them all to shreds too. Then dumped them on his desk, preferably smeared with dog shit. What a complete bastard - so sorry you had to go through that.

Twinkie · 15/03/2004 15:59

He he - go back with a zip lock bag - put everything in there with a nice piece of smoked mackeral and some prawns - which have been left in a nice warm place overnight to get hem very stinky - believe me other than washing the articles the smell with never be removed!!

spacemonkey · 15/03/2004 16:01

Tip from suzywong : sprinkle Thai Fish Sauce all around his office. Smells like squirrel piss apparently

Quackers · 15/03/2004 16:07

Thinking of you Spook. I agree, don;t give her the satsifaction. You're more of a woman than she'll ever be. She can't find her own man, she's got to have somone elses, although I don't absolve him either, he had to up for the taking in the first place. It must have been very difficult to have that thrown back in your face when you read those letters. You do sound very different to your initial postings - in a positive way of course, despite it obviously being very hard, I think you're doing great. Hugs {{{{}}}}

ponygirl · 15/03/2004 16:35

My parents split up when I was 9 and my db was 11 - he'd been having an affair with someone 10 years younger than my mum, it must have been for at least a year. When he came clean my mum insisted he leave. At one point he did try and get back with her but she wasn't having any of it. He eventually married my now step-mother (bit of a step-monster actually) and guess what? He's miserable! And am I sympathetic? No I'm bloody not! You made your bed you can lie in it. And my mum? She married again 5 years later someone she was much better suited to and made her very happy.

it's a funny thing, but I've been following your thread since the beginning, but in a way I forgot my parents' experience. Ancient history now, I suppose. I only have to see my dad and his wife once a year, and it all comes back then. What goes around comes around Spook. You'll be just fine, honey. HUG.

AussieSim · 15/03/2004 19:12

It sounds like you may have turned a corner Spook. I must say I am relieved - all is right with my universe again (selfish of me I know).

My DH and I made a pact when we started to date 6 years ago that there would be no forgiveness from either party for unfaithfulness and we defined unfaithfulness as starting at kissing. It makes it very clear for us and I am glad we sorted this out early. I think it gives even more strength to our relationship - there is no grey area on this topic - the consequences are crystal clear to both of us. I hope we never need to test it of course.

Onwards and upwards for you. One persons ceiling is another persons door.

jasper · 15/03/2004 21:09

Janstar's advice about going back to your teenage years and trying to remember what made you tick/what you liked/what were your ambitions is spot on advice. When my marriage broke up, once the really terrible pain had settled down to a chronic unhappiness I did exactly this. I focused on what I loved as a child, on the grounds that this probably represented some kind of essential "me" that had been lost over the years. The two things I came up with were drawing and singing . So I joined an art class and a choir( a big famous one!) and it was the begining of my recovery.It REALLY helped and as Janstar says, shifted my focus away from what I had lost onto , well, me, I suppose, and what I still HAD.
Good luck.

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