Support for Spook

[Janstar]

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

hope you didnt have a hangover today spook.

i hope your taking care of yourself BIG HUGS x

Hi Lolliepops. Surprisingly enough I feel as rough as a badgers today!
Not helped by the knowledge that after I picked the boys up from dh's house he was getting ready for evil barbie. I just COULDN"T HELP MYSELF! I said-put that part of your life back in the box now and trot off to your girlfriend. He asked my why I had to do that. I said because I am your wife and it is killing me.
Anyway he's off to Ibiza tomorrow. Maybe he will reflect a while.

Spook - haven't caught up - just back today from holiday = how are you?

A wise woman(my mam!) once told me "All men are bastards" and arnt they just. How the hell does he just expect you to get on with it! does he expect you to invite them round for coffee!GRRRR I have been through what your going through, and i totaly understand how much hate and anger you have for them especialy "her". I didnt deal with my anger very well and raggled the both of them, this still doesnt make you feel much better.(it was satisfing to have a chunk of her hair in my hand,and it was greesy!)lol
You will be happy again one day and belive me it might take him a long time to realise it but he will eventualy see what he has lost,and the pain he has caused, but not now when you want him to in his own time. hang on in there the only way is up now! xxxxx

Hiya Spook - re: my post : 29 April, 2004 10:13:07 PM What comes around etc.....

I'm a Bolton Wanderers supporter!

My ex. is a Leeds United supporter!

PMSL !!!!

Oh Dottee.What on earth were you doing together in the first place.Obviously incompatable! I have quite a few friends in Yorkshire who will be drowning their sorrows right now!

My dh is a Leeds supporter, man and boy, but he has taken it on the chin, I must say. He never gets grumpy about the football, even when we tease him.

Please help me all of you. I just can't see how am I going to get through this.I was up again last week-we had a lovely lunch together and we had decided he was going to come to Ibiza with us in 3 weeks for the sake of the boys.I really really thought we were getting somewhere.But just today he has admitted how serious it still is with her and that he cannot ever come back to us. He could never be happy with me. I know you all thought this was done and dusted but I have NEVER given up hoping and believing in my head that sometime soon he would see the light.It is obvious he isn't and I feel just as desperate today as I did 4 months ago. We even discussed divorce this morning.
Please help me.He is my soulmate and all I want out of this life-other than my boys who I cherish.

oh spook!!
It is understandable that you feel this way! Others are doing a much better job thatn I have been regarding giving you support. Sorry for my silence!

You have my mobile number - well, DH's actually. If you change the last digit from a 0 to a 2 then you have mine.

Text me - we need to meet up again!
Pops xx

Same here spook - if its a chat, a smoke or temporary distraction you need give me a call or email any time.

I dont know what else to say - its so very hard and you have such a wonderful love to give You may feel as bad as you did 4 months ago but that was 4 months ago so even though its still desperate you have managed 4 months of this awfulness and even managed a few laughs/good times in between - I bet you never thought that would be possible 4 months ago?

You couldn't just give up hope because one day you said to each other,'that's it'. You'll only be able to give up hope when you are ready, and there is no telling how long it might take.

All you can do is be kind to yourself and try to ride the storm until the pieces of your broken heart gradually gather themselves back together again. And they will. One day at a time. Just do your best every day to take good care of yourself and the boys and you will find the joy of life will creep back in, gradually, almost without you even noticing. Until one day you suddenly realise that it isn't hurting any more, and then you will be free, and a much stronger wiser person than you were before.

I've loved and lost before and felt that there was no point in anything, that all I wanted to do was get through the day if I could only bear the pain for one more hour and one more after that, just make it through till the evening and hope for the next morning to feel even a tiny bit better. And you think it will feel like that forever, it seems you have already been there as long as you can remember and that your pain will have no end.

It does come to an end It does. You may not feel that, but you do know it, don't you? Those mornings where you just hate the day ahead of you, those nights where you lie huddled and tortured with the thoughts of what might be going on in another bed somewhere else...they all come to an end eventually. I know you can hardly believe this but one day you won't give him a thought, what he is doing will be of no interest to you, you won't care any more. Because you will be over it, and you will be happy again and you will be loving someone else, someone better who is not going to put you through this.

I promise, I promise, I promise I am telling you the truth. You will come back from this and you will be happy again. Hang on to that with all your strength.

And while you are waiting for this to happen, I am here, and lots of other mumsnetters who really care about you are here. We hold each other up - we take it in turns, sweetheart. One day I might need you to hold me up, and when I do, I know you won't let me down.

I am crying at Janstar's post - listen to her, Spook.

She is right

Oh Janstar.How I know in my heart of hearts you are right. And how I wish you were nearer to me.I would be on your doorstep so fast yuo and your dh wouldn't know what hit them (a chainsmoking 6 stone neurotic madwoman on your doorstep)But what I want to hear right now is that he WILL understand and that you ARE his soulmate too and that he WILL coe back to you SOON.
Unfortunately no-one, not even those closest to us can tell me that anymore. He is not in a good place.He is still as fucked up as he was 4 months ago when I found out and I am not coping and not getting any stronger. I just wish the day - which everyone assures me will come-when he realises what he is throwing away and how crazy he's being would come today.
I HATE IT. He is my darling darling husband and he just doesn't care if I live or die. I just don't figure in his day to day life.When he buys clothes he doesn't think "I hope Gem will like this" or when he gets his car serviced he doesn't think "I hope Gem can drop me off at work" or when he's planning a trip he doesn't think "I'd better check that one with Gem" Does that make the slightest bit of sense???And Becca and Popsy-thankyou for being there. I would LOVE to see you. Preferably with wine involved.

Hi Spook. I have not posted before (a lurker) but I just wanted to say a few words to you as I have been following your story and my heart really goes out to you. I can't imagine what kind of pain you are going through as I have not been in that situation myself with my husband, but I know that from experiences I had before my marriage, sometimes when we can't have something you see it through rose tinted glasses and want to have it even more than you would have thought previously. Obviously when you have a long marriage with kids it is not as simple as that, but what you have to do is find out more about yourself and what you like.

You can be happy again and you can meet another soulmate again - there are more than one for each of us (if there was only one, what is the likelyhood that we would ever bump into them and get married?!).

Also, everybody changes and obviously your husband isn't the same darling man that you married. It was very wrong of him to do what he did and obviously he knew, and that is why he was so horrible to you as he couldn't face his weaknesses. Just keep telling yourself that he was once a loving husband to you and it was a lovely part of your life but you have entered a new part which can be just as rich but in a different way. It all depends on what you put into it.

Remember - the best revenge is to live well.

Thankyou Ripley. I have never considered that there must be more than one soulmate for us.I never had to.I found him.You have helped me. {{{}}}

Glad to help. I'm a great believer in everything happening for a reason and maybe you had to go through this pain as a sort of learning curve to find out more about yourself. I bet you feel a lot more wiser to everything in general than you did 4 months ago and although it is the worst possible scenario to be thrown into, just remember that you have been through the worst and things can only go uphill from here. You have two wonderful boys and I am sure that they just want to see you happy. Try something that you would never have done before just for the hell of it, like life drawing or a book club and fill the void you feel inside with new experiences and new faces and you will start to feel a little less empty. I know I'm starting to sound a little like a fruitcake from a self help book now but it's all well meaning!

Spook - I used to post as jmg but have changed my name now. I have followed this thread and watched you become stronger and stronger. You may not believe it today right at this moment but you are in a much better place than you were 4 months ago. This will be a horrid few days but trust me it will be a shorter bad spell than the last one, and hte next one will be even shorter still and so it will go on until one day you realise you just don't do bad spells anymore.

Spook you have to give yourself time to mend. You gave a long time and lots of experiences to this relationship. You can't just imagine that it is suddenly going to be ok in 4 months.

I do realise how much you want him back, but sweetheart it kills me to say this... I don't think he is coming back. Even if he did, the person you want back doesn't exist anymore. He was probably always a figment of your imagination. The person you thought him to be rather than the person he has shown himself to be. If you are anything like me, you will now be questioning your judgement - 'how could I have got it so wrong, how can he hurt me like this, how can he not care'. Truth is your judgement was never wrong, but that he let you see what he wanted you to see for a very long time. Now he wants someone else to see that, and the only way he can justify himself to you and to her, is to make it all your fault. But we, and you, know that is not true.

Think of this time as a process, in one end you put a broken heart, it goes through lots of different machines, some very lovely experiences, some horrid and hurtful, then the pleasant machines seem to come round more often until one day your heart comes out the end of the factory, whole and ready to love again.

As unlikely as it will seem to you - this will happen for you. Don't let this destroy you, no man is worth that much. You have your whole life ahead of you, spend some time now getting ready to live that life. You can choose not to be a victim of this carcrash of a relationship. Please take your strength from us and wherever you can get it from and make yourself whole again.

Lots of love and hugs J

Dearest Ripley and Soapbox. I know that I will come out of this stronger and I also am a great believer in fate.That things happen to us for a reason. But what possible reason-what the fuck did I do in a former life that can be SO bad to put me through this? What possible good can come out of complete and utter heartbreak and total-complete-desolation? he is fine.He has work and someone to spend the rest of his life with (yeah right) I have two broken hearted boys and a shadow of my former self.He has sucked every ounce of life out of me.Any spark that I once had has gone.Bank Holidays are hell,childrens parties are a nightmare.The only reason I had such a good time on Friday night was because we had a lovely lunch together and I thought something was happening.When will the old me ever ever show her face again????

Well Spook, being brutal, these kind of things (and worse) happen to a lot of people. I thought I was somehow immune, but I wasn't niether are you. I suppose really, why not you. Will something better come out of it all, yes probably if you want the experience to turn out positively for you. But I think you have got to want it to, I don't think its an automatic right.

Whatever will happen in the future, is by its very nature unceratin. But quite clearly, if you are not in a receptive mood and positive about the future then I'm afraid all the good possibilities will pass you by. Leaving you to mourn the arse that your husband has become.

In some ways its not that something positive has to come out of the situation, but that you need to do everything in your power to make something positive happen. Only you can choose to do that.

As for your boys, they are devestated thats why you more than ever need to pick yourself up and be strong for them. What message is it giving them to see you floored by this? They need to feel that the adults around them are strong and can look after them come what may.

At the time I was getting divorced from my exh, the war in Sarejavo (sp?) was just starting. There were many refugees including one woman who had watched her husband, father and brothers all being shot. She had walked for 6 days without stopping for longer than a couple of hours, and had given birth during that long trudge to a refugee camp. She had carried her new born child and put her 3 year old toddler on her shoulders all that way. When she got to the refugee camp the media were asking the usual inane questions, how did you manage it... she answered 'because I had to - I had no choice did I'. This may seem glib, but that was my turning point. I knew then that to waste any more emotions on my arse of a exh was to miss the point in life. We can't change what has happened, but we can change how we react to it. In fact often that is all we can choose, it is - like that poor woman - our only choice!

LOts of love
xx

You didn't do anything to deserve this and your anger is completely justified. I hope you didn't take offence to that - I only meant that sometimes these things happen so we can learn more about ourselves. Just remember that you did nothing wrong and that you did nothing to make your boys hurt. You had no control over what had happened and if you show your husband that you can live without him and be happy, he'll know exectly what he did wrong, because then it will hit home what he lost. Whatever you do don't let him get under your skin - he has no right to do that any more. In years to come, when he is in his bachelor pad all on his lonesome becaus his girly decided to move onto a guy her own age, you'll be strong and have your friends and your boys and who knows, maybe a new man. It will definitely happen, you just have to believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It has still only been four months since all this happened which is nothing - don't be too hard on yourself about your mixed feelings. It is only natural given everything you have gone through. ((()))

Couldn't have put it better myself soapbox.

Spook. I've not joined in your thread before now but have followed it and thought about you a lot. I haven't joined in because it hurt too much (my dh recently out of the blue had an affair and nearly threw it all away like yours is doing- he came back , the next day and we are doing well) However in the few weeks when I knew what was going on i had to think about all those things you've described- being left with 3 children and what had I done- nothing except keep my end of the marriage bargain. I can see also why you agonise so much about your dh despite everything he has and is doing to you; after all he was the man you loved and lived with for many years and you've done nothing wrong. The more I learn about the way many men seem to just "lose the plot" at a certain age the more I feel I've been so lucky for many years. All I can say is you are a strong person, you are keeping your family going, he is weak and pathetic living a fantasy- I agree with the others the bubble will burst for him some day in the near future the trouble for him will be that by then you will probably have found your inner peace without him. His loss my love, his loss. Take care we are all with you.

Thankyou Ripley and Soapbox and geordiegirl (that should be my nickname!) It really strengthens me to know you're out there though now I can't stop sobbing XXX

Hi Spook

So sorry you are feeling so desperate. Only one more bank holiday to go for a while thank god.

It hurts so much to have hope dashed. Recently I'd started to indulge in the dangerous fantasy of a new future together when dp gets better - following a couple of reasonable conversations and him making a bit of effort. It is so painful when you start to read into a nice evening or a civilised conversation, or watching them play with your child, that there might be a future and then to realise that nothing has really changed for them. They still want their cake etc.

I just wanted to say I understand a little of what you are going through and hope you can keep picking yourself up and going forward. Be good to yourself, it's ok to make mistakes, I think there is a saying that says to aim for "progress, not perfection" - and believe me you are making progress, even if you don't always see it. You have to lose your way in order to find it again sometimes.

Thanks Merrygoround.I think that saying rings very true.Someone also told me a while ago that it's a marathon not a sprint which I thought was quite salient.
I really really don't feel like I am making progress.I feel like my heart is still being ripped out and you are so right about hopes.I was so happy on Friday.He put his arm round me after lunch and walked me back to my car and hinted that our week in Ibiza would be a good trial to see if we could get on.I really truley thought we were actually on the same wavelength but then he goes and spends Saturday night with her over his kids and it all comes crashing down on me that he really does see his future with her not me. I left her another message yesterday.Was in such a state it gave me a brief high! Said I just don't understand what you're trying to achieve from this relationship. You have broken up a family and for what??You're not even that commited.If I was you I would have been in that flat so fast.I would cross oceans for that man and still would.I pointed out that you can never win with a married man.He loves his family-including me-and we are not just going to go away.We are entwined in each others lives and always will be. The man you know is not the real ***. he is a man with his head so screwed up that one day the bubble will burst and he will realise what he has thrown away and for what? A 25 year old depressive who lives with her mother. I also said that none of his family and friends will ever want anything to do with her.His friends already despise her.
I know it will probably just push them together and give them something to bitch-or laugh-about. But the truth of the matter is,she is in some kind of immature fantasy land.Does she really see the rest of her life with a man 21 years her senior with this much baggage? I don't think so. If she would just fuck off then maybe just maybe I would have a chance. And I know it doesn't mean he wouldn't still be in love with her but at least he can maybe focus on us.All I need is for him to come home.I will give him time and space and love and his children and who knows???
Listen to me. Who's the one in the fantasy land here???I just can't stop hoping.Otherwise I seriously would not be able to keep going.(that's not true.I will keep going for my beautiful heartbroken boys)