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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support for Spook

480 replies

Janstar · 15/03/2004 09:34

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

OP posts:
spook · 16/03/2004 07:21

Good morning everybody.Well I got the phone call last night."It's over" I asked why and he said he couldn't stand the hurt and pain he was causing everyone anymore.It occured to me that she'd packed him in-I didn't get a straight answer on this one but he more or less said it was a mutual decision.I suspect my phone message to her really hit home and they had a humdinger of a row!!I didn't tell you what I said did I?
"Seeing as you seem so hellbent on destroying mine and my childrens lives I thought it was about time for a few home truths.
Remeber that holiday in St Tropez when it was so awful for you to be apart on his special day?Well he actually had a wonderful time with his wife and family and we made love nearly every night.
Oh and our 10th wedding anniversary in December.My beautiful 700 pound Tiffany heart necklace-there was obviously no love behind that was there??
You are a sad and desperate girl and I hope you realise quite how much you are hated for what you've done.
Oh and by the way-I got a Marc Jacobs bag and jumper amongst other things for my birthday.What did you get?A visible thong by any chance?
Good luck in your pathetic life because you are certainly going to need it-you are despised"

Phew...bet you never thought I had it in me did you?? Anyway-he's giving me this bollocks about how our "rehabilitation has now begun" I can assure you girls I didn't give him an easy ride.I said if you think you are getting anywhere near this family ever agian it's going to take alot more than one sad phone call.I told him about the cards I'd found in the office.There's not alot he can say really is there?
Anyway-I think he gets it that it's now gone way beyond just ending his affair to even attempt to get this marraige back on track.The decision is now mine as to whether my front door is firmly shut or ajar.We'll see but at least I feel like I am just a wee bit in contro; fo the first time.Changing the locks was small fry to this!!

AussieSim · 16/03/2004 08:12

Only you will know where you want to take it now that you have him by the short and curlies. Good Luck whatever your decision.

On a practical note it would probably be sensible to see your doctor and have some tests run. Even if he says he was having safe sex with her ... Or maybe it isn't an issue as you guys were having safe sex (I don't need to know). Even if you are confident that nothing serious could have been transmitted it is little things like chlamydia that can creep up on you etc.

motherinferior · 16/03/2004 08:13

Spook! Woweee! I'm dumbstruck in admiration. And it takes a LOT for me to shut up

fio2 · 16/03/2004 08:22

well done spook, you strong woman you!!

AussieSim I agree with you over the std's testing, also might make HIM realise how foolish he has been and how the repercusions can affect evrything

Original poster
Janstar · 16/03/2004 08:52

Well done! Your message certainly seems to have struck home.

Now be very, very careful. They could quite easily kiss and make up tomorrow. Make him regain your trust before you allow him to move back in.

I would tell him that I do still love him but that that is not enough for me to decide that I should rebuild the marriage. I need to be sure that I can trust him again not to hurt me or my children before I accept him back and return to my vulnerable position. Now it is up to him to demonstrate to me that he may be trusted again. He must work for it, and this will take time. Only if he is prepared to do this will our marriage stand any chance of healing.

And he has to understand that if he ever cheats on you again, you will not forgive him. Once is a mistake. Now he has to convince you that he realises the damage and pain he has caused. If, understanding the consequences, he chooses to do it again, there is no hope for the man. If he doesn't get it after all this, he never will.

Make him grovel. Not to demean him, not for revenge, but to prove to you that he is willing to grovel to get you back, and to show him what a bad idea this all was.

Tell him there is no one else in your life, so the ball is entirely in his court. He is the one who spilt the milk, so he must be the one to make the effort to clear it up.

OP posts:
dottee · 16/03/2004 09:00

Ooer Spook! Well done you!

May I suggest that whoever looked after the boys last weekend, does the same in the near future whilst (trying to be ever so d again) h takes you out in a neutral place so you can thrash out what has happened in recent months and how you want to move on.

Again this is what my ex and I did and it stopped us rowing as we were in public.

How are you sons?

dollyd · 16/03/2004 09:03

thats great spook, just remember that you need to make him focus on winning you back, that way he cant waste his energy on missing her, because unfortunately and as hurtful as it is to you he has forged some emotional ties there, if it all comes too easy for him then hes not going to value you. you need to talk and talk and talk until you dont want to know any more and then you will need to make a pact that it is finished and (this is the hard bit) that it will never be thrown up by either of you in a row. Best of luck spook, you have become stronger for this and your marriage Can become stronger for going through this.

Beetybeetybangbang · 16/03/2004 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

simplesimon · 16/03/2004 09:22

Spook, I hope it works out right for you.

I do suspect that my other half is having or has had an affair, and it's killing me, I'd forgive her anything to know it's over.

marthamoo · 16/03/2004 09:28

Spook, missed this updated thread. The stuff you found in his office, OMG. I feel sick and tearful reading it and he isn't my husband. So sorry you had to read all that but perhaps, in a weird way, it will help you to be strong. I am not even going to attempt to tell you what you should do (partly because I have no idea ) but, whatever it is, put YOU and your boys first. You owe your husband nothing. You have to find a way forward that makes you happy. You really do have my best wishes and sympathy - ((((HUGS)))

Janh · 16/03/2004 09:37

spook, I love the message you left for her - it's obviously dawned on her now that she can't trust him either - wake up and smell the coffee dear. (Her, not you!)

Good luck to you and your boys however this all turns out - you have become a much stronger person from the experience and that's got to be a Good Thing.

spacemonkey · 16/03/2004 09:38

I agree with those who warn against letting him back into your life too readily spook. I can understand your anger towards the woman, but I think your wrath should be directed at him, not her. I doubt this woman was motivated out of any desire to break up your family, and I think the things she wrote in those cards would only have been in response to things he had said to her. Why on earth should this woman want to hurt you? It seems to me far more likely that your husband has fed her sob stories about how unhappy he is at home etc. Focus your anger on him - he's a piece of shit who does not deserve you.

Twinkie · 16/03/2004 09:42

Right am sittin ghere crying and grinning like a complete moron (thats after bursting into tears on the bus this morning too!!) I am so pleased that he seems to have come back down to earth but so nervous that you don't get all excited because falling again will hurt much much more.

Please tred carefully and make him prove to you that it is over - no sadness or selfpity for himself and no errant feelings that upset him about what he has given up.

The last thing you or the boys need is to be hurt all over again - make him win you back - win your heart and your trust and your love (I know you still love him but it won't ever be the same after this!!).

Most of all - I am hoping and praying that this works out for you and your boys XXX

jmg · 16/03/2004 09:52

Oh Spook thats good news - but you need to give it long enough to make sure he means it. I don't think she'll give up that easily I'm afraid!

Don't let him wander back in as if nothing has happened (I know you won't)! Make him work for your respect.

Jxx

Sonnet · 16/03/2004 10:39

Fantastic message Spook...
Make sure she is rearlly out of his life too - and that means at work!!
I so hope it works out for you....Much Luck

Original poster
Janstar · 16/03/2004 12:49

I just want to add something. Everyone here is saying much the same thing...don't allow him back too quickly, make him work for it.

I'm a bit concerned that you might let him back soon because you want him back so badly, and feel you can handle it, and that having him back sooner is better and shows full commitment from you.

But that is not the issue. You have to make him wait because he needs that time to really understand what he has done. If you let him back, you may be able to handle it fine, but that's never been in question. You have been the responsible party from the start.

Unfortunately if you let him straight back, he will never have to really face the results of his actions, or acknowledge the amount of damage he has caused. He will not have learned, and so the likelihood of his repeating his behaviour will be high.

He needs time to realise that this thing did not 'happen to him' but that he had a choice, and he, and no one else, caused heartbreak and suffering to his family.

Allowing him back before this has happened will result in a repeat of his actions, if not now then a few years down the line, IMO.

He needs to be resolved to be committed, to practise self-control, and to treat love as a verb; in other words something you do rather than feel. So one day if he finds himself bored with you or family life he will pull his socks up and work to make things better with you, not look around for a diversion.

And if you let him back too soon, it gives out the wrong message about you. Don't give out the message, 'My feelings are not as important as yours, so to save your pain I will not expect you to face up to your deeds. Your feelings are of paramount importance, so to save your pain I will allow you back in now, rather than later, without worrying about whether you have reached an understanding about the damage you have done to me. I will bear my own sadness and grief and not bother you with it while I mend myself, my family, and of course, you.'

No!

That man must learn to treat your needs and feelings with as much respect as his own. At the moment the only way he will learn to is by being made to work for your approval again.

I may be preaching to the converted here, Spook, and if so I am sorry. I am just so aware of how much this man means to you and how far you would be willing to go to make your marriage work, that I am worried you may let your heart rule your head. Think about this...tough love will work here, being soft will not. Be too soft and yes, he will come home, but he will do this again one day and then your marriage will be over. People do not learn new and better habits if others are always there to pick up the pieces for them. This time he must pick them up himself in order to see what a mess he has made.

Sorry, I feel I am ranting, but I think you are at a dangerous time and I so don't want you to be hurt any more.

OP posts:
fio2 · 16/03/2004 12:53

wow Janstar I agree with everything you have written ps are you a therapist?

Original poster
Janstar · 16/03/2004 12:57

No! I have made lots of poor choices in the past and have learned from it, that's all.

OP posts:
BeckiF · 16/03/2004 13:04

I am pleased for you Spook. I would also add that make sure he comes back to you because he wants you and not because you are better than being alone. That sounds awful harsh I know, but you don't want him playing emotional pinball with you , do you? As in he gets shoved from one person so moves back to someone else. I do hope that he has seen the error of his ways. You have certainly shown you won't take his crap by confronting her and making him move out. You have moved to a different place in your life, and it's up to you whether you give him the address or not!

Lots of love and luck your way!!

spook · 16/03/2004 13:08

Thanks Janstar and everyone else for your messages of support.I fully understand what you are saying.There is no way on earth that man is walking back into this family at the moment and if that drives him back into her arms then so be it.
I don't know whether he was expecting me to fall to my knees and say "thank god-come on home" last night when he told me.I infact felt nothing.Just because she's off the scene does not take away any of my hurt or his betrayal and my finding that despicable card yesterday definately made me stronger and yes I do hate him almost as much as I hate her (despite loving him if that makes sense?)
I am very curious as to how I am going to handle this.I am ann incredibly emotional person (you may have noticed!) and my heart definately rules my head but right now my heart is broken and my head is fucked up so who knows.Maybe I can't live with the betrayal.Maybe I can never let him touch me in a sexual way again.Maybe I no longer love him enough to make this work.Time will tell but I am certainly not convinced that she won't rear her ugly over-madeup head again.I suspect he's devastated that their affair is over and I am NOT the one to pick up his pieces.He has to show me joy at being with me-not sadness at not being with her.If he can't do that eventually then the marraige is over.

Original poster
Janstar · 16/03/2004 13:11

I am relieved. I think you are seeing the situation very accurately, so despite having a broken heart your reasoning powers have not deserted you.

OP posts:
sobernow · 16/03/2004 13:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fio2 · 16/03/2004 13:23

Janstar you should seriously consider it, or write some self help books...your advice is wonderful and so self-assured

Spook I am glad you feel that way ans have your self respect. I really admire your strength

percy · 16/03/2004 20:50

just to add my continued support although nothing more to say as janstar and others seem to really have hit the nail on the head.

spook · 17/03/2004 10:23

Oh Christ.Now I'm really worried because I just don't know if I can do this.How can one person put someone they're supposed to love through so much again and again and then stay in their lives.How will I EVER forget what he did and the lies and deceit that he's capable of.I am convincing myself that he only finished it because he saw what he was doing to his children,that he will always love her more than me and that he will always have some deep seated regret that he's not with her.And right now I absolutely hate him.
He said to our friend yesterday that he supposed I would want him to come straight home now. Who the fuck does he think he is.He was also talking about "..if it doesn't work etc etc" What kind of attitude is that? He has to come back into this CONVINCED that we can make it work-positive not negative.
The fucking bastard.