Support for Spook

[Janstar]

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

Janstar - I caught up with long lost friends and it did me the world of good. All the people who I hadn't had the time to keep in touch with (because I'd been ironing shirts and making/reheating meals etc.)

And through them I met new friends. My Christmas card list is enourmous now.

I'd felt reluctant about keeping in touch during the marriage because of his jealousy and when I rediscovered them, I realised the value of true friendship.

Yes, dottee. I think as well as cheering you up they remind you of who you are as an individual, as opposed to the wife and mother.

Thankyou Janstar.I may well take you up on that-can you really cope with a broken hearted stray who spends most of her time in the garden so she can smoke??!
I e-mailed him today. Here it is and then his reply.I know it seems like I'm giving away my inner-most secrets here but I need help and you lot are the ones who give it. Can you all tell me what you think?XXXXXX

Because I find it so hard to talk at the moment I thought it would be easier to write it down. I don't like asking you to fill in forms and talk of solicitors but you have forced my hand. I am hurting so very much and you tell me one thing then do another that I have to face up to the fact that our future probably isn't together.Me and the boys have been through so much the last 2 months that I have to start looking forward to a life without you.For some reason you are choosing her over us and it seems to me like that is not going to change.You seem incapable of ending your affair and I can't just sit here any longer with a target on my heart. I do love you very dearly but I understand that it is not recipricated and a girl can only take so much emotional battering.If I don't try to move forward for the sake of the boys it will do none of us any good. I am not ending our marraige-you have effectively done that,but I have to try and get strong.

And here is his reply..

I don't want to get divorced. I enjoyed being in the house today
and I realise I have a wonderful family. I cant get my head around
anything other than saving this poxy company right now because that's what will feed the
four of us. I need to see how we get on together beyond what has happened and would like you to
wait before we get into solicitors and all that. However I completely respect your
wishes and if you want to move forward then so be it. I was under the impression
I was taking this flat for two months so there could be a calming distance between us.
I do love you, but I can't see a quick solution to us going forward. Everything is
still too raw. You cant talk, I cant write. Sorry.

We cant just get rid of the house, it is part of our family portfolio and must be dealt
with sensibly which is why we need to see how much it would rent out for and that may
make it possible to buy another property. Which again will be part of our family portfolio.
We should put everything in some kind of Trust for the boys so no one else can get
their hands on it.

Whether we live together or not, our lives will always be entwined. I don't
understand anyone who advises a quick fix.

I would love to talk to you properly but I think that will still be in time.

Goodness.......how do you feel?

Am NOT excusing him as I think he is a sod and his behaviour is inexcusable but it sounds to me like he is having a breakdown and doesnt know if he is coming or going. Why he would get himself Evil Barbie on the side is beyond me?

What would you like to do apart from throttle them both?

Spook, that was a very brave email you sent him - very beautifully worded and honest.

His reply looks to me like someone who is desparate to keep his options open. He's not saying he wants to be with you but equally he can't bring himself to say that he won't.

I've just re-read it again, and it seems like he has used an awful lot of words to say absolutely nothing!

Also using the business as a reason to put things on hold is quite dishonest. You (and all of us) know that the thing that is stopping you sorting all of this out is the fact that he is living with someone else!

He just seems unable to see what he is doing. His reply is like the ramblings of a very confused person who cannot take any responsibility for his actions. ALmost - you do what you have to do but don't suggest I had any thing to do with it.

I really am so sorry for you - you are being so strong and brave - you should feel very very proud of yourself. I know I am very proud of you!

Hugs Jxx

You poured your heart out to the man and all he could talk/write about was money and property portfolios! If my dh were to even hint at wanting a divorce, I certainly wouldn't be saying "Not now, dear. I'm too busy sorting out my company."

I'm sorry Spook but his e-mail is all "me me me".

I have been following your thread, spook, and feel so very sorry for you. I have no real experience to draw on, just loads of empathy and so ahve not commented so far - so many others have written such lovely things that my thoughts seem rather inferior.
Please take sobernow?s advice and talk to someone about all of this - if not a councillor such as samaritons then a friend, anyone. Your life is so upside down now that it must be hard to know what to think and what to focus on. For the sake of your children, I believe that it is worth thinking very carefully before you act/do anything from now on and any decisions made could well affect the rest of your family?s life - re: the house, money etc.
I think you need to take time out away from talking to him so that you can create a little bit of emotional distance to help you see more clearly. Constant contact between the two of you busy expressing and agonising over each others? feelings and possible outcomes is just destroying you. Until both of you can catagorically say that you definitely want to make it work or definitely want to call it a day, it would be worth "preserving" your sanity a bit and stop the constant communications - it is just hurting and confusing you both. Anyway, that is just my thoughts on it all. Lots of hugs and will be thinking of you.

I thought your e-mail was clear and to the point and expressed your feelings and your concerns well But ... What an absolute jerk he is. He doesn't mention you or your feelings or the impact on his kids of all this or anything. And what really annoys me is that he doesn't mention her or his affair either. The stuff about the trust is just crap - what I heard was that he doesn't want you taking him to the cleaners. What an absolutely self-centred insensitive arsehole. It sounds as if he is the kind that when given an inch feels completely entitled to take a mile. I would deal with him very carefully and in a most calculated manner with the best legal advice money (preferrably his) can buy. Good Luck.

(((hugs, albeit the usual angry incoherent ones)))

Hmmm...so he didn't even mention her or the affair. He says he doesn't want a divorce, yet continues to be with her? Does he expect you to just sit and wait? He's not in the supermarket squeezy testing melons is he? He needs to know how you can get beyond what has happend?! Twat! He needs to dump the bimbo and prove he loves and wants you, as a starter! THIS bit REALLy peeved me "....but I can't see a quick solution to us going forward. Everything is
still too raw. You cant talk, I cant write. Sorry." A solution is only needed because he couldn't keep it in his pants. HE needs to understand that. And of course it's raw! You have had your heart broken and he has been found out! He has merrily been living the double life and now it's out in the open he can't be Mr Smug Smarty Pants.

All through the thread I've tried to be unbiased but he is being SUCH an arse I can't beleive it. He's basically just asking you to 'hang on a mo' whilst he sorts his life and priorities out. It makes me feel like I did as a kid, when mum and dad would be having a great time in the pub and me and my brothers where in the car with a bottle of coke with a straw and a packet of crisps just waiting!

Come now Spook ... shake it up!!

Your dh should realise that he is no longer in a position to be advising you on your course of action. There is no reason why you should trust him and every reason not to. He is relying on the fact that you have soft feelings for him to try and buy himself time and keep his options open.

As everyone else has so rightly said, he seems to be conveniently discounting the fact that he is seeing another woman and trying to make out your relationship is in crisis because of reasons beyond his control.

I don't think there is any point trying to negotiate with him until he is willing to accept responsibility for his actions.

I'd love to see you in the Easter hols. Can you and your boys manage in a room with a double bed and a sofa? I am sure my ds (3) would be thrilled to share his toys with them.

Oh Janstar.You are an angel. Thankyou for your words of wisdom.After a screaming match when he picked up the boys this morning I have just been very calm and kind and told him that I am instigating formal serparation proceedings on Tuesday.I can no longer live in this limbo land-sitting on the sofa by myself watching the last Sex and the City whilst he's snuggled up watching the same thing with her 1/4 of a mile away.(yes he admitted that)
I think something FINALLY sunk in.He looked scared and said he's starting to see the wider picture instead of his tunnel vision.Maybe he's realising what a boring bitch he's got himself lumbered with!!I absolutely loved your "Evil Barbie" expression Collision.That is exactly what she looks like.
I am touched by your kind offer Janstar-can I let you know? What a truly lovely person you are.I think you'd better warn your ds what he could be letting himself in for.My two are lively to say the least.

Of course you can let me know, Spook.

Thanks, sobernow. I wish my kids thought so!

Spook, what a tosser he is being, honestly. What's all this "I thought we were going to see how we got on" crap??? He's shagging someone else FFS! Who does he think he is, Prince Charles?
And as for 'so nobody else to get their hands on it..." Yeah, like you, for example. Tell him to get stuffed. Half of everything (and more) is yours by right and it's up to you to decide what you do with your property, not him. Family portfolio, my arse.

Bring it on Aloha

How are you feeling, Spook? Janstar is so lovely - if you can get to Hertford am sure it would help.

Hi Sykes.I'm OK thankyou.Feeling stronger since I made my decision yesterday to move on.Have just read my stars(pisces)in the Sunday Times and they are eerily accurate.
Happy Mothers Day.Have a lovely lunch and enjoy the girls.I've just had some top cuddles. My eldests card said "you are beautiful and give the best hugs...P.S.give my love to dad."
How tuned in is he the little mite.

Hi spook. FFS! I've just read his email and I'm stunned too. As aloha so eloquently says, 'family portfolio my arse' - he's just very worried about where divorce will leave him financially. You could point out to him that you WON'T be starting divorce proceedings, if only because you can make him wait 5 years for a divorce. Before this divorce there can be NO division of assets (portfolio, whatever he wants to call it) and he has NO say whatsoever in the house etc - you get to stay in it basically. Just a thought. I know you might want to get things going but why should you a) pay for it by starting things? and b) be ready to divide assets and give him anything now? I'm so sorry, he's being such a tosser. And I'd actually like to use a much stronger word but won't here.

Spook - Have just done a catch up on your situation. I must say that the difference in you between the first threads about the break up and these recent ones are so different. You seem to have dug deep and found the strength to be strong.

I totally agree with what others have said about your not so dear dh. He is keeping you in limbo. He doesnt want to let you go completely because deep down he knows what a lovely, supportive, wonderful wife/mother you are, and what a lovely family he has. But on the other hand, evil barbie is giving him a born again teenagehood (midlife crisis early I reckon!!) He doesnt want to let her go either.

He is playing the 'poor me look at all the mess what am I to do?' card. At the end of the day if the man had any self respect/pride, he would make a final decision and put you out of your misery. He either saves his marriage and does ANYTHING to do this (councilling, giving up barbie bitch the lot) or he agrees to a divorce and allows you to move on.

You do not have to do what he wants. If you decide to go forward as an independant woman, on your own, without him he should respect that. How would he feel if the boot was on the other foot??

Can I just add - my Dad left my Mum for somebody half his age when I was 9. 20 years on, my Mum is remarried. My Dad is on his own after being dumped for a younger man! Spook - What goes around comes around.

Your dh and his bit on the side are in the honeymoon period, all this upheaval and drama detracts away from their relationship. When the dust settles and it is the two of them in a years time (if that long) I wonder if the cracks will start to show and he will realise what a terrible mistake he has made. Hopefully by the then you will have moved on. That is when you will get your silent revenge!

You are dealing with this so well, be proud of yourself. have a lovely mothersday and think this time next year this will all be a memory and the pain a lot less. x x (((hugs)))

PS> sorry I am waffling, ds tugging at my legs so am in a hurry!!LOL

Aloha, www etc, are so right in what they say about 'family portfolio my arse'. I totally agree.

Anyway, Spook:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

to a wonderful caring mum. Your little boys love you now and when they are older they will understand how wonderful you have been for them.

You have a super day with your boys.

Lots of love xxx

hi spook i started a thread called i am numb recently and was advised to catch up on your two threads. my story is very similar but mine has only come to a head in the last two weeks. my two kids are also alot older and the affair has only been going on about 5 weeks. my dh however has just cut me dead as if i dont exist thinks he is in love married 15 years. i cant believe it just a short while ago everthing seemed so normal

Spook, you are gorgeous. You are a size 8. You have two lovely little boys who adore you. I bet you look bloody fantastic in your Marc Jacobs. You are strong, kind, tough and loving all at once. He's having a second teenagerdom which is so not a good look in a man. You can see right through him, I'm delighted to say. I really meant what I posted. He doesn't deserve you, he really doesn't.

Oh Numb.I am so so sorry.I wouldn't wish this on anybody in the world (well actually there is one person...!) Hang on in there.You will be up and down and the downs are really really down-don't underestimate your pain.I am now 9 weeks in and I am no longer sinking-just floundering. If you love him then fight,but you may realise somewhere along the line that you don't love him like you thought you did-certainly not the man he is being right now.There is something in there brain/groin/maleness that turns them into a defensive,nasty guilt ridden cruel monster.You will take it like a punch bag because you are a kind.loving,wonderful WOMAN. But eventually-whatever the outcome your bruises will fade and you will either put on your gloves or hold your head up in defeat.My whole heart goes out to you.Hang on in there honey.I will read your thread when the boys are at school. Much much love.XXXXX
Aloha-thankyou thankyou. He her offered me some half-arsed "I will cut all contact with her personally and bussiness-but you know what.He is not convincing me.All I hear is regret for the lost realtionship and the sake of the children shit.Not once has he said "I love you and will do everything in my power to try and save our marraige" He should be on his fucking knees-like I have been.
I think he is really scared abouot tomorrow-I start the formal seperation.I will continue regardless until he gives me a reason not to.
(my size 8's are too big now. It's NOT a pretty site.I had 4 bags of pork scratchings yesterday in a bid to eat my own body weight in lard)