Support for Spook

[Janstar]

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

Hi spook, I hope I don't double post, I just tried and my post disappeared!

I wanted to say how glad I am that he seems to finally be feeling the loss of you. This is not because I wish hurt on him but I want to see that he is beginning to understand what he has done.

Let him sit in and grow to hate his little flat. You don't want him back if he is unsure as he will just dither. You want him back absolutely certain that he is never going to repeat his behaviour.

Now out with the lilac paint!

Honey going to see a solicitor is nothing to do with decency it is ensuring your children have financially the life that they deserve - your DH sounds just like my x2b - 'you've go to remember that I need to be left with something' - 'I don't think you should go to the CSA, i'll put some money away for her each week until she is 18 and it will pay for her education then' - sorry shit for brains the money thing is nothing to do with you and me it is to do with looking after your child!! I do think oh no I don't want to be seen as a gold digger but then I think bollocks Mr - you put mne through the ringer - cost me an absolute fortune and kept me away from my DD for 14 months - you will pay with every fibre of your being and every penny that you have in your bloody bank account - Don't get mad GET EVEN!!!

God I can't believe he is saying that he can't promise not to contact her either - he is just so fucking self centred!! And as for getting solicitors letters making him angry - god I would ensure that he would get at least one a day - the pain and anger that you have had to feel would be nothing compared to what I would make him endure - but then I think that he has to come back because he loves you and wants to be with you not because he is going to lose out financially or on time with his children - and the way he is behaving I really don't think this is going to turn out all happy and smiley I am afraid.

LOL Spook (re spaniels, Agas and crotches!), WELL DONE, nice but detatched is PERFECT.

I do agree with Twinkie about financial security, and anyway, if he is serious about contemplating a future with you, he should be loooking at putting everything in your name, making you feel safe, secure, trusted. You don't have to pursue him as a way of 'getting at him', but you do need to know that you and the boys are ok in the letter of the law. It's all very well people doing things casually, like Twinkies ex wanting to take control of his own savings for her DD, but when the chips are down, difficulty strikes or communication breaks down, that's exactly when things need to be foramlly sorted and clear. It doesn't mean that you are irrevocably closing any doors, either. My Mum got a formal separation thingy that enabled the house to be put into her name when my Dad left - and a good thing too because otherwise the Revenue would have siezed it as he was in a big liability nightmare during the period he was gone.

Good morning everyone. I'm off to London this morning with the boys so I'll talk when we get back.He did drop a suitcase off last night though and he really didn't want to leave.Ended up having tea coz my eldest wouldn't eat it.
I think he is realising that I can have a life without him-he knows we'll have a fab time in London.Last time I went in Jan (he used the time to take her to the cinema on a Sat. night-careless) I went clubbing and got alot of male attention-he had the audacity to be slighty peeved by this!!! He's obviously remembering that.This time there's nothing to stop me.(God what a horrific thought!)
Anyway-he asked if he could pick us up on Sunday and bath the boys.I said no-we'll all be shattered.Maybe Monday. COOOOOL as the proverbial cucumber.Blu-you would be proud of me.
Lots of love to you all-have a lovely weekend.XXXX

Totally agree with Twinkie and Blu!

Spook - have a brilliant time in London (I wish I was coming clubbing with you - I miss that from my 'single again' days). Large it!!!!

Oh and if he does come back, make sure you carry on clubbing whilst he stays at home!!!

Spook, I AM proud of you, very proud.

Have a wonderful w/e. Look out for me if shopping in the fabby cool shops round Spitalfields/Truemans Brewery on SAt afternoon. My SIL is over from NY and we're GOING OUT.

Also check out Sykes thread about her DH/ExH wanting to come back - there's some very sound discussion about etiquette. I think it's called Help-DH or DH-help!

Hi everyone.I am in a bit of a quandry (is that a word??) now. I am doing all the right things.House-hunting,cool and detached (I think maybe a bit too detached) I am telling him that I am lonely when he asked but it's better than being stuck with someone who doesn't love you...have packed lots of his personal stuff into boxes-which he won't take.Am talking about how me and the boys will spend the summer,have told him I am eating etc etc. He told me last week that he'd totally finished it with her but I just don't know because I haven't asked.Could be shagging her 10 times a night for all I know...BUT...his general persona and from what he's told me he's doing with himself it seems like he's not.His air is that of a very very sad man.
My question is...am I overdoing it??Laying it on a bit thick.I DO love him you know and I do (think) I want him back at some point.But it seems to me like he's resigned himself to the fact that it's over and I obviously can't ever forgive him (not that he's shown me any sign of wanting to make it work other than hug me and appear terribly sad)
My gut reaction is that I'm doing great.It looks like I have the upper hand but I just don't bloody know.I realise it's hard to offer advice coz you don't know him and if you did he would probably be dead anyway but ...HELP!!

Spook, I don't know much about these things and others do but...it sounds like you're doing just brilliantly from what you've said!

x

Yes, you are doing brilliantly. The only reason to change anything would be if he made enormous efforts to win you back. Unless he does, you are better off planning for a future without him.

You don't want to patch your marriage up, if you get back together you will need to completely rebuild. If he doesn't think it is worth the effort, then it isn't.

Spook, the alternative is that you ask him to come back, and there is a chance that he would do that just for some comfort and because of the way that he is feeling right now. The problem is that the way that he is feeling right now is due to lots of factors, not just you. Unless HE is beseeching you to take him back, on the grounds of a)his love for you, b)his love for you and c) his love for you, AND committing himself to putting considerable hard work into re-building the relationship, you would be making a very poisonous bed indeed for yourself.

Your strategy atm is no threat to a longer term possibility if he does find his heart again. Of course it must be hard for you to see him sad: you do still love him, and it all seems such a waste. But unless he makes that move, all you would be doing is putting out more of your emotional energy into helping HIM, with no benefit to yourself or the boys.

XXXX

He's still in contact with her.Just been round to drop something off. He obviously doesn't want me-though he did hold me and say how sorry he is and tell me not to rush into packing up his things and moving house.Still at least we're civil.He says please can we be friends and we could still do things as a family.I am nowhere near ready for that at the moment.This he understood.
I am way down again now.I thought I was getting somewhere.Obviously I am not.

Spook, how horrible. You're being so strong and he's still being utterly selfish. How do you know he's in touch with her? How are the boys?

Hi Sykes.Because when he said that thing about doing things as a family I said "They can't see her for a very long time you know" I was just testing the waters because I haven't mentioned her for a while.He said "Well that just won't happen will it" and I said "Well if you're with her it will come up eventually.Are you with her?"He said "Not in that way"So I said....!! "Are you in contact with her?"and he said "Yes"
God-she really must be something special for him to lose all this. (she's not)
How are you doing Sykes??

Spook am doing quite well - am putting off any talks with h until next week. Having spoken to friends after the w/end I think he is very confused for so many reasons and I'm not interested in being his emotional crutch again. I did the same thing re contact with gf and it only happened after about eight months. If he's still in touch with her it's ridiculous. Am sure she's nothing special one of my friends met my h's gf and was completely confused by what on earth h saw in her - in his words: arrogant, manipulative and although she wouldn't scare children, certainly not a stunner ..... The likelihood it's all mixed up with his other problems but that's no help to you whatsoever. They need to bloody well grow up. He'll understand the consequences of his actions at some point, at least I bloody hope he does. But you may have moved on by then. Lots of luck.

Hi everyone.Someone post quick.I am absolutely DESPERATE to talk to him and tell him that I love him.When he held me this morning it was so so lovely. I know it's wrong but I JUST WANT HIM BACK. Please pleae someone tell me that I mustn't.
I couldn't take him still wanting her and not me.

please please please don't. you've been doing so well. just hold off for another half hour to give some of the wise mumsnetters who have been advising you a chance to respond. addle

NONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Ok, got the message?

Am off to a meeting so can't stop but don't - I doubt it would resolve anything - but I know it's SO tempting. I was far too forgiving early on and it got me nowhere. He has to sort his head out for everyone's sake. I had this emotional torture three times and I honestly nearly ended up losing the plot. There's never any guarantee anyway but I really think he is in such a mess that he'll be no use to you or the boys.

don't

Hi.I did it.I didn't tell him I loved him or anything.Just that I called to say hi and that I missed him.Coz I do.
I know it won't have got me anywhere but I feel a little bit normal again. How did we get here. I want my life back

baby on lap but agree with blu

Sorry.

It's completely natural. I dread to think of how many e-mails I sent to my h. Was he receptive?

oh don't apologise to us spook. there's no need, we were posting cos you asked us to stop you!