Support for Spook

[Janstar]

Continuing from the 'help' thread....

How are you today, Spook?

Come and see me and I will fatten you up with home cooking and vast quantities of wine.

By the way I forgot to mention I have a travel cot if that helps.

Spook - well done for booking that appointment for tomorrow. I hope it goes OK for you. It is a big step but it will help you get your head around things and give you peace of mind. It will help you plan too (and frighten the b**cks of him!).

How lovely of you Janstar - this will do Spook the world of good - see Spook, you are starting to make new friends (ones that are unique to you and think you're wonderful). Good isn't it?

I smiled when I read your advise to numb. You're beginning the journey upwards. I'm soooo pleased.

Lots of hugs to you both (Spook and numb) from one who remembers it well.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow Spook.

Spook, hello, sorry, I have been in exile at my Mum's for a week, but you have been on my mind a lot.
Wow, you are doing SO well. You are sounding witty, strong, funny and as if your individuality is asserting itself. You e mail was brilliant...and I am glad his reply has been shredded by the MN sisters. Honestly! MY business is facing a make or break challenge at the moment, and I'm facing a big career wrench or ruin...but funnily enough abandoning my child and DP for a hunk of brainless totty has NOT been head of my strategy for dealing with it.
Perhaps that's where I'm going wrong...that and my hatred of pork scratchings.
Big big hugs,
XXX Blu

Hi everyone.Thanks Blu.I am not feeling strong or witty at the moment.Spent HOURS on the phone last night with him.Saying alot but very little if you know what I mean.Some of the dh classics came out like he was an unhappy in our marraige as I have been the last 9 weeks,I ended it all with my grand gestures (changing the locks and taking my wedding ring off)we need to find some "common ground" When I enquired as to what this "common ground" was,he said to see if we like each other again-coz right now he doesn't!!!! The problem he has is that I cannot be civil and pleasant to him.The problem I have is that he's shagging someone else.
Basically he has said he has cut all contact with her-but he cannot simply stop thinking about her (they were together for a year for gods sake-his words) and he can't give me any guarantee that he may not feel the urge to call her sometime in the future.
I just say again and again and again-it's perfectly simple.If you can't make me that one promise and you can't commit 100% to trying to fix our marraige (and I only said "trying" I am well aware that it may never fix)then there is absolutely no point in moving forwards just to move backwards again.I want to make the break and try and get on with life alone.I am exhausted and I can't put myself up for anymore pain.
I definately still don't think he's grasped the enormity of what he's done or what he's given up all for some fucking evil barbie bimbo with bad skin and a discount line on personality.
He INSISTS that she is not the problem-the symptom not the cause.But as I point out she is not some bloody disease (well....) she is a person she exists and as long as she does then we have no chance.How can he EVER come to terms with his feelings for me whae he's pining for someone else.And yes,in a way it's the first time in a while that he's actually being honest and telling me the truth.He can't just banish her from his thoughts.And I appreciate his honesty and told him so.At least it all helps me to realise the futility of our marraige and MOVE ON UP.
God-that was a rant-very little sleep and an overactive coffee pot.If your still with me I salute you

Hi Spook

Well he is living in a little world of his own, isn't he?

If there were problems within your marriage before this, did he think an affair would solve them? There is no justification for this. As you have said, until he is prepared to take responsibility for his own choice of actions you will get nowhere. It is a characterisitic of children to blame others for their own mess.

He may well come to realise this in time. But he will just have to risk the fact that you may well have moved on by then.

Until he has as much respect for the pain suffered by you and the boys as he does for his own, he doesn't get it. Quite apart from the fact that he is the one that made it all happen.

When I was being interviewed by CAFCASS with my ex, I managed to keep my cool at all times. The one time I lost my rag, my outburst was something like, 'for heavens' sake, ex, why is it always someone else's fault? When are you ever going to take responisibility for anything you do?'

I feel like shouting the same words to your h at the moment.

Spot on Janstar.

Spook, my h said to me before he left for the third time, in a very self-pitying tone, he thought it would be hard for me (as in his wife) to get over the affair but didn't realise it would be so hard for him. Thanks. Summed it up really - me, me, me.

no spook, I salute you.

Well, Spook, at least 3 of your phrases made me laugh out loud! (and I'm SO pleased to hear she has bad skin!). Oh, how wearing for you. And how dare he say he has been as unhappy as you are now. His perspective is still definitely off kilter. It's brilliant that you are sticking to your point, and FWIW, I still suspect that he has no more fallen in real love with evil barbie than he has fallen out of love with you / your marriage. I think they are both flip sides of his panicked immature flight from his business problems / mid-life crisis, and he has fled from the responsibility of you, while seeking meaningless distraction in her. And when you look at it like that, it's pretty insulting to her, too (and she's too silly / deluded to see it).

BUT, as you are having to face up to, you can't rely on a future with him, and your best bet is still to remain strong, gather up protection (legal, financial and as far as you can, emotional), remain superior, aloof and as civil as you can, and that will put you in the best position if he does f*k off for good, and is the strategy most likely to shock him to his senses in due course. A win / win situation for you (albeit in the most painful of circumstances). How are the boys?

Hi Blu.How are the boys??Well-sad and disturbed I think is the best way to describe them.My 7 year old is such a sensitive soul and though it's affecting him deeply he is such a comfort.He looks at me when I am sad with such knowing eyes and doesn't say a word-just holds me so tightly and tells me how much he loves me.My little one (4) tells me that when he grows up he will marry me because he is SO in love with me.Apparently the first thing he said to h when he picked him up the other day was "if you marry her then mummy is going to be very very upset"
They are an absolute joy although I wish the joy would end at 7.30pm instead of 10.30!
And I know you're all going to be SO cross with me but I cancelled the solicitor today.For a number of reasons. I just wasn't up to it emotionally mainly.Last night was such a rollercoaster and I didn't go to bed till 2.It really hurts bringing it all up and I couldn't do it this morning.Also because he was SO against it-I am yet again trying to be the decent one here.I told him that I was respecting his wishes for the time being and he even had the graciousness to say thankyou.Because I know he hasn't given up on the marraige the thought of solicitors letters etc just makes him angry and tell me that the gloves are off and it's even harder to get back from that.I do understand that to a certain degree but it's up to me to move on and let him see that I am moving on. I think that will do far more good than a solicitors letter which will cost a fortune and drive him away even more. I did point out though that it didn't alter my feelings in any way shape or form.I was moving on and accepting that our lives are now without him.

No I'm not cross with you Spook re: solicitors - but don't let him blackmail you. You're probably not up to it today with having a sleepless night anyway. Just ensure he's maintaining service bills and mortgage, and keeping the food on your table (even if you don't feel like eating it.) Isn't the first half hour free (for advice)? Because I didn't work, I claimed Legal Aid but I think they've changed the rules on this. Can anyone advise?

Also Spook, just because you're seeking outside advice (not necessarily solicitors) it doesn't mean you immediately start divorce proceedings. As long as he can guarantee your (and the boys) security then it's OK. If he messes around, then I feel you're now strong enough to put your foot down.

Did you by any chance watch 'Life Begins' last night? I thought of you whilst watching it. You may not feel up to watching programmes of that content at this present time. But the mistress soon got pissed off when the children messed 'her space' up. Hee - hee!

I remember the first time my ex suggested overnight access at his place. It broke my heart but I was going to Weightwatchers at the time and my leader became my confidant. I remember Lesley saying 'Let them go'. (She got concerned about me because I was loosing weight that fast, she was worred about me getting anorexic.) It did hurt but then I had visions of their sex life being interupted and me having the cosy lie - ins. In the end I agreed and it gave me chance to get a little bit of myself back (eh Janstar?). If he does suggest this, have a good think about it rather than flatly refuse it (which is your gut option at the time).

I hate to tell you this but my ex did end up marrying her. Our two go to his each weekend now. Last Sunday, I went to theirs to pick the children up. I'd just been on a pampering 24 hours in a 4 star hotel with my mum and bragged that at half eight on Sunday morning I was in a jacuzzi after having an early morning swim just before being served a lovely breakfast.

Well her bloody face was a picture. Game to me! (Found out of ds son last night that they'd had a row where ex had turned to ds and said 'it looks like I'm talking to a bloody brick wall again'.) Sorry to go on but I'm peeing myself laughing here!

Consulting a solicitor does not bring your decency into question.

If you present yourself as a victim he will treat you like one.

I'm not suggesting you go in with all guns blazing. Just allow yourself the same rights and priveleges that h is helping himself to.

He is manipulating you with emotional blackmail.

Shame on him!

Was your solicitors appointment specifically to instigate divorce proceedings, or to find out where you stand financially, legally etc? Janstar is right, he IS exerting emotional blackmail, and , judging from his e mail before, concerned that you might end up with any of your JOINT assests (the Trust idea). He can't / won't give you any guarantee that he will stay away from EBB (evil barbie bimbo), but wants you to guarantee that you won't divorce him? I think you need to let him know (calmly, if you can) that YOU take decisions about your best interests, and that he has no place begging you to prioritise his interests. If you choose to hold back on out and out divorce proceedings at the moment, that is purely because you don't feel the need to take on the hassle for the time being, not because you are giving him the benefit of the doubt, and giving him more leeway to mess everyone around like this!

Finding out where you stand legally and financially is potentially a source of strength for you - and he doesn't even have to know that you have sought advice.

Bless the boys. What sweethearts. It makes his cruelty so obvious, doesn't it?

Thanks girls for bringing up the financial/legal advice. I was hoping I wasn't sounding too much of a gold-digger in previous posts.

Make sure the phone bill is being covered (and Internet) - If you're like I was, your phone bill will probably souring sky high and we don't want to loose you if he stops funding the Internet!!!!!!!!!

Please keep an eye on the boys. They sound lovely. My ex mil acted very strangely a few months ago. She apologised for all that had happened in the past and I said it was all water under the bridge. I added that my main priority has always been to put my children first and she complimented me on how well they'd come through everything. So although it did get very nasty at times, we always tried to safeguard the childrens interests.

Hi Spook,
I cannot add anything that others havn't said better.......
I too think that i would have acted like you and cancelled the solicitors meeting. There are just as effective ways of making him realise you've moved on...Just you smile, look serene, and be dressed to kill everytime you see him girl!!.
I'd place a bet on him not wanting you to see a solicitor because he dosn't want his finances be looked at in such detail in his current situation with the company - I'd also be beware the "trust" for the boys - that last thing he needs now is for any creditors to know what his assets are. he'll protect himself - his type always do - just make sure that you get your share....
You are doing so well Spook - you may not always rearlise it but sitting hete following your thread it is so heartwarming to see you get stronger and stronger...
All my thoughts are with you and your wonderful boys. Try and get away for a few days it will help put a different perspective on it..

Hi Sonnet.Thankyou.Each day there are moments when I feel stronger and moments where I feel like I haven't moved on atall.But I know that as long a the stronger moments continue to creep up on me then I'm getting through.I am pretty convinced he was with her last night-various little triggers led me to believe this and I just think-OK Spook.You know he's a liar so don't be surprised.He's doing bath and bed tonight and I will be as calm and serene as can be.Won't throw it in his face.I'll just slip it into the conversation calmly.I know his rabbit in the headlights look so weel now and he rarely lies when confronted.He knows he's not that good!
I am actually going to London with the boys on Friday for the weekend.Obviously he's pissed off about that too-but I said that we now have a life which doesn't include him so he'll have to see the boys another time.I am not putting our lives on hold for the sake of the weekend dad.

Why is he pissed off that you are going to London?

Are you supposed to put your life on hold so that you can fit around his? The more you tell me the more controlling he sounds.

God he's here now and I HATE IT.What do I do? Just roam around downstairs listening to him winding the boys up onto a frenzy and waiting to see him put on his coat and leave us again.I HATE IT.
I try and look all nice and he doesn't even look at me.Obviously 12 years too old for his fucking taste.
Aaaaggghhh.

Threaten to move to Australia and see what he says.

Oh Spook, it must feel so weird. Bet he feel weirder. Bet he DOES notice you, too, but is too scared to say anything cos ANYTHING he says can be thrown back in his face, ha ha. Just be REGAL, and bestow upon him the minimal amount of civility you have to spare from your royal coffers, just the right amount to avoid being rude to a mother-in-laws obnoxious pet spaniel. And let him see what a lovely friendly time you and the boys have together.

Hey girls.He's just gone.I was perfectly nice if very detached.He wanted to hug me and he didn't want to go back to his poxy flat which he says he is really beginning to hate. He talked me through the bussiness and money situation.I asked he how he was going to pay for 4 homes (we have this one,a house in Ibiza then my new one and his new one)This floored him.I said I was going to paint the hall lilac,get a beautiful cast iron bed and a pink aga.I said I was going to do all the things a girl could do when she hasn't got a man to pander to. I was saying them quite cheerfully and without regret.Anyway-he must have said 4 times "I'll call you tomorrow" And when he left I said "Even Spooks sad" (that's my dog-not me!) and as he was walking out the door he said "Not as sad as me" and HE WAS SOBBING!!!!
RESULT

Spook, excellent, you seem so strong tonight.

Just to echo what others have already said, compared to your earlier posts you seem to have gained so much strength and focus.

xxxxx

And ironically enough Blu my obnoxious mother-in-law HAS got an obnoxious spaniel.At least I won't have to put up with that sniffing my crotch anymore.(unfortunately no-one's remotely interested in my crotch at the moment)

Thanks Clayhead.XXX Who's the one in a poxy flat and who's the one in my home with my beautiful children??