Page 3 | Support for Spook

Janstar · 2004-03-15T09:34:43+00:00

Continuing from the 'help' thread.... How are you today, Spook?

jmg · 17/03/2004 10:48

Spook

This was where I got to with my exh. By the time he was ready to come home, I'd decided that there was too much pain and betrayal to go back! If you like I'd moved so far forward in that 3 months and had found myself again that I had an immediate feeling of suffocation when he wanted to get back together again!

I decided that I would rather move on and meet someone else whom I didn;t have to spend every day and night worrying abuot whether they were being faithful, mentally and physically.

It was easier though for me in that I didn't have children at the time. You also have to consider your boys and their feelings about all of this.

At the end of the day - I wouldn't rush things. Just wait until you get to a place where the emotions are less intense and you feel settled in your final view. You need so much mroe from him than you are currently getting if there is even a chance of making it work!

Jxx

dollyd · 17/03/2004 11:12

oh spook, i really feel for you. just remember you dont have to make any decisions right now, take time to think about what you want, you are stronger and more in control now than you have been from the start of this nightmare. make it clear to him that you dont know what you want and that if he wants to come back he had better convince you that its worth the work and that he deserves your forgiveness. if he cant or wont make the effort, then you are right not to want him back. Either way its not going to be easy, but you have come a long way in a matter of weeks and you know that whatever happens you were not the one at fault, so hold you head high.

collision · 17/03/2004 20:59

Spook......you sound like such a lovely person and it would be so nice to chat to you in the bar one night. I only joined MN in January and am new to it all and it is a shame that I have only come across you on this thread.

I bet you have loads of experience that could help other people and it would be really nice to put your H out of your head and get to know you better. Can I hope that you will join us in the bar one night? I'll buy you a G and T!!!

spook · 18/03/2004 04:07

Thanks Collision.I could do with one right now.
It's all so hopeless.He came round to bath the boys tonight and I went out while he did it.Before I went I managed a peek at his phone (I know I know-but he has so totally eroded my trust it's the only way I can find out truths)
Anyway it was full of calls to her.The first one yesterday being at 8 in the morning.And this is the affair that he said was over!!I let him know I'd seen this and stormed off.When I came back he actually put on his coat to leave! Said he was too exhausted to talk to me.I find him absolutely unbelievable.
Anyway-it happened again-we had a row and basically how can his affair be over if he's the first person he thinks of in the morning.Gave me all that shit about how it's all more complicated than that etc etc.Doesn't know if he wants to try and fix our marraige.Well from where I'm sitting it's not particularly complicated.He's either with her or he's not.And while he is any thoughts of trying to salvage our marraige are hopeless.
He says he can't stand the phone checking and the going into his office drawers.I understand how low I must appear but who has made me do it? Who has eroded my trust and destroyed my life to such an extent that I would do that? Did I EVER check his phone beofre all this?Ofcourse not.Maybe if I had I would be dragging myself out of this trough that is my life by now.

fio2 · 18/03/2004 07:58

spook what a complete git he is. I dont think you can rebuild your marriage whilst he is still ringing her all the time. He tells you it makes HIM feel uncomfortable that you check his phone, obviously because he is phoning her and it is there for you to see. My feeling is that he hasnt ended their affair at all, she has. He is a very weak man and he doesnt deserve you or the boys. As an adult he should understand that he cannot come in and out as he pleases. The repurcusions of what he done will affect you for years and if you are to rebuild your marriage it will be a long and winding road, Im afraid. He really doesnt deserve you.

twiglett · 18/03/2004 08:08

message withdrawn

motherinferior · 18/03/2004 08:24

((Hugs))

I am VERY ANGRY with him
xxxxxxx

piglit · 18/03/2004 09:31

My xp cheated on me too. He told me time and again that it was over but the only way I could be sure was to check his phone and sure enough he called her almost every chance he could. Although we got back together I never trusted him and used to check his phone at every opportunity. It drove me mad. I could never trust him again after that betrayal and in the end I dumped him. It was the best thing I ever did and when I look back now I can't believe I wasted so much of my life with him. I am now married to the kindest, most thoughtful, loving, trustworthy and wonderful man ever. I only wish I'd got away from my cheating xp years earlier. I'm afraid that the old saying really does hold true - "once a cheater, always a cheater". I would strongly advise you to walk away before this man destroys you and your self confidence.

spacemonkey · 18/03/2004 09:50

I find it astounding that he doesn't understand why you feel the need to check his phone, and doesn't acknowledge that it is HIS fault that you are driven to do that.

I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in his position. He has a LONG way to go to get past his current selfishness and defensiveness to a position of humility and remorse, which is where he needs to be if there's any hope of rebuilding your marriage.

Bugsy2 · 18/03/2004 15:26

Spook you are not low to check his 'phone. I checked my H's 'phone all the time - how on earth are you supposed to find out the truth? My H used to say he was sick of me checking on him too, but I firmly maintained I had every right to check until he gave me reason to trust him again.
I know I've said this before, but slow down girl. Take things at your pace, you don't need to rush anything. It sounds very possible to me, that this woman finished with your H and now he is hoping for the fall back position (you).
He has to win you back, to fight for the right to be your partner and most importantly of all he needs to have NO further contact with the other woman WHATSOEVER.
Really thinking of you.

Original poster

Janstar · 18/03/2004 15:51

My dh once did something behind my back (he didn't cheat on me though) and he now knows I regularly look through his stuff. He never minds if I ask, what's this?

He just wants me to rest easy.

Similarly if he wanted to check on me I wouldn't mind. After all I have nothing to hide.

OP posts:

spook · 18/03/2004 18:13

It's just hopeless.Have spoken to him today.It was finished on Monday night and they lasted all of-erm-12 hours.By Tuesday morning it was back on. Well done-another fine show of strength by my ex-husband.Although he did kindly point out that he didn't want it to be over.He just finished it because it's too complicated.At which point I hung up on him.
He can't even contemplate trying to make the marraige work-too much has been damaged and how could we ever fix it? Two things to say to that one.How can he POSSIBLY look forward to salvaging the marraige whilst he's shagging someone else and how totally weak.To just throw in the towel,ruining everyones lives because he CAN"T FACE IT! Weak weak weak.
If it hadn't been for the boys I would have killed myself today.Without a doubt.The whole thing has spiralled now to such an extent that I know he's never going to end the affair and he has no nitention of trying to make it work with me.So that's that.

spacemonkey · 18/03/2004 18:16

Sorry you've had such an awful day spook. I think if at all possible you need to avoid any contact with him at the moment and concentrate on rebuilding yours and the boys' lives without him. Lots of hugs to you.

spook · 18/03/2004 18:19

I know Spacemonkey.But God it's SO hard.Despite everything I really really miss him.Although I know it's not him I'm missing,It's the idea of him or the him that I thought he was.

spacemonkey · 18/03/2004 18:20

You deserve a massive hug spook. I feel so bad for you that this has happened

fio2 · 18/03/2004 18:29

spook ((hugs)) you are doing so well though. Dont be so hard on yourself. You sound so sad, I wish we could make things better for you

coppertop · 18/03/2004 18:31

Spook You sound like such a lovely person. That 'man' (if you can call him that!) doesn't deserve you, and you certainly deserve someone far better than HIM. Hugs xxx

sobernow · 18/03/2004 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dottee · 18/03/2004 20:25

Spook - my heart really goes out to you. My ex. was all for making another go of it with me and I was ready to try and forgive and forget until I got a report he'd been walking hand in hand with her. It hurts so much!

You are being so strong! I know you feel down but look after yourself and your sons.

What used to bug me is the though of her still working with him and having daily contact whoever he was with. If he wants to try again (and if you really want to let him), take this into consideration.

In the meantime, I understand what you mean about you missing 'the him that I thought he was'. A change does go on for the worse. I think that's due to the 'influence' he's under. How's his parents treating you?

Lots and lots of hugs to you and your sons xxxx

dottee · 18/03/2004 20:26

Sorry about my grammar - how are his parents treating you?

BeckiF · 19/03/2004 09:30

Morning Spook .. hope that you are better today. You SO put your finger on the button when you said that ist wasn't HIM you were missing but what he USED to be and what you once had. Looking to the future, you could find that with someone else and maybe better than what you've had, yo certainly deserve it. When I met my dp he had just come out of a 13 yre marriage, a very nasty divorce and was depressed to a level I've never seen. None the less, here we are six years on engaged and trying for a baby. He and I share something neither have experienced before. And even if you chose to be alone for while, you should enjoy that time. You don't NEED or WANT the crap he is giving you. The man clearly has TWO emotional crutches, you're both wanting him, so he is in the best place, despite saying it's so awful for him. Utter twat. Obvioulsy already has the fabulous wife and wonderful wife. Let's see how he copes without you both in his life everyday.

Come on spook, don't give up now lady, there are so many of us out here routing for you and checking this thread all the time!

Big hugs from a big girl xxxxxxx

spook · 19/03/2004 10:43

Thanks everyone.I had to ask him round this morning to watch my little one so I could walk the dog.The weather is FOUL! He saw that I had estate agents details for other houses and he really enjoyed being with the little one.I think he is well aware of what he's throwing away but just cannot give up his other realtionship.For some reason a personality free 24 year old has some strange hold over him.
I know he will come a cropper soon enough.I'm just not sure I'll be here to pick up his pathetic pieces.
Mothers Day looms.I am so dreading it.

sykes · 19/03/2004 10:49

Hi, Spook. He will end up in a very bad place at some point. My h was just like yours - left, came back, gave her up, reconciled with her, left (on Christmas Day evening), begged to come back again, stayed another five months and left AGAIN. Until your h drops all contact and has NOTHING to do with her it's impossible. And if they still work together that's just not going to happen. I am so sorry for you as I know just how bloody awful it is. My girls are taking me out for lunch on Sunday (they're two and four) - am sure Pizza Express will be full of "families" but so what. I intend to have a glass of champagne and toast my girls. It's my four year old's idea - not sure how she's going to pay .... Do try to do something nice - hard, I know.

Original poster

Janstar · 19/03/2004 10:59

Hiya Spook, you're on my mind a lot. It sounds as if you are doing all the right things. You cannot control his actions, so just let him get on with it while you take care of yourself and your boys.

Indulge yourself in thinking about what you would like to do next, where you might like to live, what pastimes/career/vocations you would ideally like to pursue, what kind of family life you would like to build - with just you and the boys. Then start working towards it.

Every day, think of something you'd like to do that will nourish your spirit - whether that is to walk in a beautiful place, read something inspiring, soak in a hot bubble bath, go for a massage, meet a good friend for lunch, phone someone overseas whom you miss, write a diary or poem, bake a cake, spend an hour playing with a child, etc.

Meet friends and relatives who lift you, and avoid the ones who don't. They can wait.

Pay attention to your health, get plenty of sleep, exercise and healthy food.

Build yourself. Not to make h hanker for you (although he probably will), but for you, so that you can begin to feel better.

I wish I were nearer, I would be round to you all the time encouraging you to come out for a walk or a drink, or to rub your back for you. Don't you have a friend nearby who can nurse you for a bit?

Would you like to come down here for a while at Easter so I can mother you?

OP posts:

dottee · 19/03/2004 11:04

Just after my divorce, I heard Anna Raeburn come up with a wonderful quote on Talk Radio:

'The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's just a different shade.

And if anyone's visiting McDonald's on Sunday afternoon, take a look at all those (now) single dads who have discovered the relevance of this phrase. Maybe in time, he'll be joining them.

Hope you have a good Mother's Day Spook. Why not go out with your mum and spoil each other. That's what my mum and I are doing. I now have a dp who lets me do whatever I want as long as I'm happy. He's visiting his mum and staying over night in East Lincolnshire; I'm taking my mum for an overnight stay at a posh hotel in West Yorkshire.

I could never have done that with the ex. Believe it or not, he was jealous of me staying away from home and would not let me stay overnight at works do's, for example.