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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband recorded me when drunk

216 replies

JustLikeHeaven · 17/02/2014 17:02

Husband recorded me on his phone when I was drunk and upset, crying etc. Just my voice, I didn't know he was doing it.

I don't get messy drunk anymore but I used to about ten years ago so it used to be an issue for us. I didn't eat enough and drank too much. . No excuse, I over did it. I behaved badly at a dinner party and embarrassed myself and him. Talking loudly and slurring and boring everyone. I feel stupid now. . They are not close friends. But I also feel betrayed by him. Do I deserve what I get for being a drunken idiot or was that really low. I don't know what he wants to do with the recording. . Just for me to hear how disgusting and scum baggy I am. . So he said. Haven't heard it. So now I am mortified by my own stupid carry on and sick to my stomach that he recorded me when I was upset. Tell me to get real

OP posts:
pinkfluffypoodleface · 17/02/2014 17:04

It sounds as if your being drunk is still an issue for him...

NotNewButNameChanged · 17/02/2014 17:05

I seem to recall many threads on MN where women come on here to complain about the drunken behaviour of their OHs and wanting advice to try and get them to realise what they are like. Very often the advice is to record it to show their OH just how bad they are when drunk

Logg1e · 17/02/2014 17:05

Did he use those actual words to describe you?

How would you describe your relationship generally?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 17:06

How much is your drinking a problem ? Truthfully ?

mercibucket · 17/02/2014 17:08

sounds like he wants you to think about how much you drink tbh
maybe you don't want to hear it

EasterHoliday · 17/02/2014 17:09

what do you mean by "get real"? sober? maybe he was doing you a favour if it was that mortifying?

JeanSeberg · 17/02/2014 17:10

Did you seek help for your drinking ten years ago? What changed back then to make you stop the 'messy' drunkenness?

gamerchick · 17/02/2014 17:10

It's actually tough.. on the one hand I would think he was so out of line but on the other if it was an issue in the past then maybe he doesn't want to risk going there again.

I would be very hurt and cross if my husband did that to me though. I don't think there are many of us who haven't made a tit out ourselves when drunk on occasion.

Maybe a heart to heart is in order but I don't even know what to suggest. I would feel really embarrassed even to bring it up :( I'm so sorry that's not much help.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/02/2014 17:10

Wouldn't you rather know what you're like when drunk so you're less likely to do it again?

AnyFucker · 17/02/2014 17:10

Is your H otherwise a twat in other ways ? Controlling, insanely jealous, not averse to dodginess himself ?

if not, I am afraid your own behaviour is the most likely reason why he has been driven to this rather drastic step

Lj8893 · 17/02/2014 17:10

My XP was an awful drunk (abusive so not like you) and although he accepted he was bad when he was drunk he didn't quite understand how bad he was. Until I recorded him. I set up a camera when he was out knowing exactly what would happen when he came home.
The next day when he asked me what was wrong I showed him. He was mortified!! Unfortunately it was too little too late for me and I broke up with him, but as far as I'm aware he's much more cautious of his drinking now.
I would think your husband was of the same mindset as me, he obviously just really wanted you to realise how bad you can be.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 17/02/2014 17:12

has he been trying to talk to you about your drinking and you haven't been accepting what he is saying?

It is actually advice often given on here to record behaviour if someone is not willing to accept they are doing what you say they are doing. So if he has done it because he is concerned, wants you to see what is actually going on here, wants to help you, etc, then don't see it as a betrayal, but as the actions of someone who really wants to help you.

However, if he actually called you a scum bag and that isn't your interpretation of his meaning, then that is out of order.

Listen to the recording.

Jan45 · 17/02/2014 17:12

He's done it cos he thinks you drink too much or at least cannot handle it, you probably know this already and I would doubt it will stop you drinking again, perhaps for a couple of weeks....we've all been there but if this is a regular thing the you have a problem.

WhateverTrevor83 · 17/02/2014 17:13

Some times wine is dished out a bit heavy-handed at dinner parties and booze affects people at different rates, etc.

How did he present you with this recording?

I think everyone's allowed to get a bit p'd and act like a wally every now and then. It's not like it's every week, is it... is it?

Hope you're alright OP. Sounds very humiliating. A 'friend' once did something similar to me when I'd had too much (just couldn't keep up and was too silly to slow down until it was too late). He should have been looking after you rather and giving you water, etc. But if he's worried you have issues with alcohol then maybe others are right and it's an intervention.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 17/02/2014 17:13

meant to add - I have also recorded my husband who is an arse when drunk. Just a general embarrassment to me, not aggressive or anything.

He could not bear to watch himself, he asked me to turn it off, he was that embarrassed.

Sometimes you have to do drastic things.

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 17/02/2014 17:15

How did it emerge that he'd done this?
Personally I don't think he's in the wrong. If you were slurring, being loud and boring being by going on, he probably felt embarrassed and felt this was the only way he could show you how you'd been...

NotNewButNameChanged · 17/02/2014 17:15

Trevor - "he should have been looking after you and giving you water etc"? We're talking about a grown adult here who is responsible for their own behaviour. And I have rarely known people who drink to excess, whether it is often or occasionally, take any heed of someone who tries to get them to stop or drink water instead!

meringuesnowflakes33 · 17/02/2014 17:16

Do you think you have a problem with alcohol?

Do you want to stop drinking?

canyourearme · 17/02/2014 17:16

I think thats a really nobbish of him

pinkfluffypoodleface · 17/02/2014 17:16

To me, a lot depends upon his intentions.

  • If he wanted to record you as you don't listen to his valid concerns about your drinking & he wanted to shock you into realising how you sound then its different to recording you for malicious purposes & purely to humiliate you.

And having been married to an alcoholic for many years (not any more) ime when a drunk is upset then its tiresome & a pain in the arse as the drunkeness is causing the upset & when they are sober the problem has disappeared. Its exhausting.

WhateverTrevor83 · 17/02/2014 17:20

Oh for goodness sake! In my ten year relationship my partner has had to look after me and get me to drink some water a few times (could count on one hand) - more too prevent a hangover and not get dehydrated than anything else. Like OP said she hadn't eaten much (rushing around no doubt) so the booze hot her quicker. Drinking too much and getting drunk is nothing to be proud of but it's not exactly grounds for telling people they aren't adults.

Shall we wait until we hear more about the circumstances before dishing out the 'grown adult' spiel please?

I think there's too issues;

  • is the drinking turning in to a problem (like it was in the past)
  • what the OP's partner right to record?

Think OP needs to give a bit more info in to what partner said when he showed the recording x

hermionepotter · 17/02/2014 17:21

he doesn't know how to get through to you, probably

trying to have a relationship with someone who gets that drunk regularly can be awful tbh - it's like they're 'not there' and it can be scary or very unpleasant - they can be childlike or really unattractive

sorry OP Sad have you thought about help for your drinking?

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink · 17/02/2014 17:35

I have recorded my STBXH recently without him knowing. It wasn't drunk behaviour, it was abusive behaviour. Mine was more along the lines of "he insists he is not abusive" (I guess in his book shouting and swearing at his wife and two small children don't count as abusive) and I wanted something showing that yes, actually he is.

I did it once previously a couple years ago, and while initially he was horrified when I played it back for him, he was horrified that I had recorded him. Apparently hearing himself swearing and shouting and telling a 5yo to shut the fuck up wasn't a huge deal, but the fact that I recorded him without his knowledge was. Hmm

Instead of looking at this as "OMG he recorded me," maybe you should be looking at WHY he recorded you and what they wanted you to hear from it. Sorry, I realise that's probably not what you wanted to hear.

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink · 17/02/2014 17:36

what he wanted you to hear, not they

Original poster
JustLikeHeaven · 17/02/2014 17:41

Thank you for the quick replies

I honestly am not a big or regular drinker anymore. It's about 12 years since I got like that and I obviously reminded him of the horrible past. I know it probably freaked him out and those who said he did it to show me what I am like are probably right.

Having said that, I am still very upset that he said I acted like a scum bag and that he recorded me. It does feel like a betrayal. It's not like he hasn't been a messy drunk in the past. And no he doesn't have issues with alcohol. No more than the rest of society. So okay he does. ;)

I am finding it hard to forgive him though. . Or myself. . And we are not speaking to each other. I have taken responsibility for messing up and have apologised . . Don't we all mess up at one point or other. 12 years. . One loud mouth drunken night. I am not perfect and never will be. Boo hoo me.

OP posts: