husband recorded me when drunk

[JustLikeHeaven]

Husband recorded me on his phone when I was drunk and upset, crying etc. Just my voice, I didn't know he was doing it.

I don't get messy drunk anymore but I used to about ten years ago so it used to be an issue for us. I didn't eat enough and drank too much. . No excuse, I over did it. I behaved badly at a dinner party and embarrassed myself and him. Talking loudly and slurring and boring everyone. I feel stupid now. . They are not close friends. But I also feel betrayed by him. Do I deserve what I get for being a drunken idiot or was that really low. I don't know what he wants to do with the recording. . Just for me to hear how disgusting and scum baggy I am. . So he said. Haven't heard it. So now I am mortified by my own stupid carry on and sick to my stomach that he recorded me when I was upset. Tell me to get real

[summermovedon]

You either have major relationship issues, or major drink issues. Either way you need help for one or the other. I think I am erring on the side of just desserts and perhaps you need to have a big look at your drinking, rather than him being wrong to do this.

My experience is that desperate people do desperate things to stop the people they love getting pissed. I did this once with my XH and he was still unable to see what he was doing wrong and I was so mad. Remembering that glazed over look in his eyes when he was drunk and incoherent, still gives me the creeps, even years later. Awful experiences. There is the world of difference in behaviour between the occasional misjudgment of number of glasses, versus, habitual drunk.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Sounds like he's overreacted but also like you've underestimated how hard it was for him last time you were like that.

Next time - eat something before you go out and if you forget again, try to remember to lay off the booze. It sounds obvious but so easy to forget or think you'll be fine. I'm a terrible lightweight so I have to drink two glasses of water to every glass of wine.

Think his calling you a scumbag etc is very judgemental and a bit aggressive but I suppose I don't know how bad you were or what you were doing or saying at the dinner party.

Maybe you both need to sit and think/talk sensibly about your approaches to and uses of alcohol xxx

[FinallyCanHearMyselfThink]

I have taken responsibility for messing up and have apologised . . Don't we all mess up at one point or other. 12 years. . One loud mouth drunken night. I am not perfect and never will be. Boo hoo me.

I think you underestimate the stress and upset that someone can feel when their partner cannot control their drink, especially if they think it might be happening again. You don't sound particularly sorry about it, which would, for many, be a deal breaker. I don't think he was wrong, I think you are.

[JustLikeHeaven]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the honesty and directness

I don't have problems with alcohol . . I used to

I messed up. I am angry with myself. I am angry with him for not being more understanding. 12 well behaved years

I was annoying and argumentative at the dinner. Not aggressive or nasty though, trying to debate something I shouldn't have been and didn't let it drop

He texted me today to say he recorded me and it was disgusting to listen to. He recorded me when we how home and I had started to get upset. I was upset because we left so abruptly and I was hammered. I know it doesn't make sense

Things are usually very good between us.

[JustLikeHeaven]

Finallycanhear. . .

I am sorry. I am embarrassed. I was stupid.

[AnyFucker]

See it as a wake up call ?

FWIW, I don't believe that anyone ever has a "previous" alcohol problem

It's somethibg you have to be vigilant against for the rest of your life, I would have thought

[Logg1e]

I think if you understood just how bad this was, you would just feel sorry, not angry with your husband.

[JonSnowKnowsNothing]

In my experience, that is exactly right, AF.
Thing is, OP, it's not just your behaviour and the infrequency of it that's the issue. You probably made other guests feel really uncomfortable, not to mention the host. He was probably mortified and, whilst recording does seem underhand, he needed to illustrate how much this has upset him.
I'm coming from the POV of someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent so my view may be skewed, but just my opinion.

[ImperialBlether]

Are you saying there has never been a time in the last twelve years when you've been drunk and he's been embarrassed by you?

[TheDoctorsNewKidneys]

OP, the thing is, once you've had a problem with alcohol, you always have a problem with alcohol. You have to be careful for the rest of your life, not just for five years or ten years - forever.

It's why alcoholics cannot just "moderate" their drinking. They have to stop completely and stop forever. You just can't control an addiction like that. My grandparents were/are alcoholics. My nan spent most of her days in an alcoholic stupor. My granddad is more "functioning" - he is definitely alcohol dependent but he still manages to work etc. and live a fairly "normal" life. However, he is an alcoholic and his company is not pleasant when he's been drinking.

You don't see it because you're not the one who has to deal with it. If your DH has been driven to the desperate measure of recording you, doesn't that tell you that your problem is bigger than you think?

[Blu]

Well, often the point of dinner parties is to get a bit drunk amongst mates and let the discussion get a bit wild and drink sodden. You won't be the first person to have had to be helped out of the front door of a dinner party!

BUT - perhaps your DH is frightened, anxious that it could be a pattern? Perhaps he over-reacted this time because he has terrible memories and this was a trigger?

Was it his boss's house? Peple with whom it was especially inappropriate to get drunk with? Did they drink?

Can you remember everything about the evening? Were you perhaps worse than you remember? Maybe you should listen - I would because at least then you will now instead of imagining.

I do think calling you a scum bag is horrible and he has no business doing that.

I am not surprised you feel upset that he recorded you - and it depends what his motives were, really.

Don't be defensive about your having got drunk, but maybe talk to him about why he did it and how he feels about your drinking overall. BUt tell him that he has no business being rude and abusive to you.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Blu - "Well, often the point of dinner parties is to get a bit drunk amongst mates and let the discussion get a bit wild and drink sodden. "

I'm obviously going to the wrong dinner parties....

[AnyFucker]

I really hate those sort of dinner parties

They never end well, tbh

[really1234]

If you hadn't been that bad then you'd have nothing to be embarrassed about.

If it was a one off then I'd say he was being unreasonable but there clearly is history to this even of it was a long time ago. He is probably scared of you going back to that place as he fairly enough doesn't want a partner like that.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

All depends whether your behaviour is the norm for you when drunk and he's now fed up of putting up with it or if it was a one off. If it was a one-off episode of over consumption resulting in embarrassing behaviour then he's a knob. Everyone's had one too many at some point or other an made a tit of themselves.

If he has filmed you because you act like that every time you go out and he's got to the end of his tether, then in my opinion he's doing you a favour and hoping you change your ways.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Sorry, should have read page 2 first!

[LittleMissDisorganized]

I imagine that he knows that usually, when an alcoholic starts drinking again, they carry on where they left off. So an alcohol problem is never over, it's just temporarily in remission. I'm assuming you know that at some level, but didn't want to believe it.
I can imagine he saw it as potentially the beginning of the end and wanted to try anything to stop you at that one night. If it's worked, then thank goodness he did it to you. I hope you are able to stop and stay stopped this time.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Sounds to me like he was terrified it was the start of a long slow slide into how things used to be and he wanted to shock you out of it. As for the scumbag comment - If someone was argumentative and nasty with ME at a dinner party when it wasn't deserved then I would feel justified in considering them to be acting like a scumbag/dickhead/idiot/twat. Take your pick. It all boils down to the fact that you were out of order and it needed pointing out to you. If your dh isn't in the habit of calling you names during arguments then maybe the use of the word "scumbag" in this situation was just him trying to point out how extreme your behaviour was.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

My first thought was, why record you distressed at home?

Lots of people get loud and opinionated at social gatherings, sober or drunk. Not everyone's partner records them, during or afterwards.

Unless he's being a jerk it sounds like your H wanted to capture a moment he fears seeing repeated. You feel got at, affronted at the name-calling. You haven't blamed it on taking any medication, just on drinking on empty stomach.

Do you feel nervous before parties, do you drink for added confidence? Has this crept up on you, do you drink more than you think?

[arthriticfingers]

The only reaction to a partner getting shit-faced and embarrassing is to say 'you got shit-faced and embarrassed me and the guests and the host'.
Pretty bad, I would say, and so has the OP
BUT
The OP has said that she has not got this drunk in 12 years.
I have no idea how old the OP is,
or how old she was when she used to get drunk,
or how long the drinking years went on for,
or what consequences they had,
or what effect the drinking had on the relationship.
Neither does anyone else standing in judgement.

I don't know about filming because I drink little and do not have experience of alcoholism, but, from what others have said, it has been used ONLY as a desperate measure. Was this situation desperate? Without knowing the information above, we cannot say.
AND
calling a partner a disgusting scumbag is never ever acceptable. It is just horrible.

[Quinteszilla]

Aside from this particular dinner party, how often do you drink?

Would you have realized you had embarrassed yourself had he not recorded you?

[Stridence]

OP, you perhaps need to see yourself as a recovering alcoholic and not just as someone who 'used to have an alcohol problem'. A recovering alcoholic has so much more to lose than someone who occasionally is a crashing bore at dinner parties. A recovering alcoholic owes it to their loved ones to be vigilant and to look after themselves when in the company of drinkers. A recovering alcoholic has been given a second chance at life and has no right to downplay any recurrence of fucked-up drinking behaviour. Your husband is probably terrified. I strongly advise you to listen to that recording and remind yourself of how far you have come in twelve years...and what you still could lose. Again.

[SerenaBracken]

I've skimmed the input, as I would say never film your wife drunk or any of her other unfortunate habits. Nor those of your husband.
What a hateful thing to film you.
If a husband or wife has reason to object to a behaviour then deal with it, not film it.
What next on u tube for all to see?

[TippiShagpile]

He needs to delete the recording. He's made his point and there's no point keeping hold of the recording - you will never be able to move on from it.

How would you feel about listening to the recording?

[Anniegetyourgun]

Not meaning to pile on, just wanted to take issue with an earlier comment:

I think everyone's allowed to get a bit p'd and act like a wally every now and then

This is going to come across as terribly po-faced, but IMO everyone is not allowed to get a bit p'd at a private dinner party. Out on the town or with good mates you often drink with is fair wally-time. A dinner party in someone else's house when you don't know them is not. It's all about when, where or with whom. Stuff you get away with on the beach would be frowned upon at the Queen's garden party. Stuff you do in the playground is not appropriate for the classroom. Does this make sense or am I just terribly, terribly old?