husband recorded me when drunk

[JustLikeHeaven]

Husband recorded me on his phone when I was drunk and upset, crying etc. Just my voice, I didn't know he was doing it.

I don't get messy drunk anymore but I used to about ten years ago so it used to be an issue for us. I didn't eat enough and drank too much. . No excuse, I over did it. I behaved badly at a dinner party and embarrassed myself and him. Talking loudly and slurring and boring everyone. I feel stupid now. . They are not close friends. But I also feel betrayed by him. Do I deserve what I get for being a drunken idiot or was that really low. I don't know what he wants to do with the recording. . Just for me to hear how disgusting and scum baggy I am. . So he said. Haven't heard it. So now I am mortified by my own stupid carry on and sick to my stomach that he recorded me when I was upset. Tell me to get real

[Stridence]

Point taken, Imperial, although I think OP has said he no longer behaves in that manner.

Trevor, reading between the lines I think it's safe to say the OP's drinking habits twelve years ago were problematic. I'm not trying to put words in her mouth or label her as something she is not. I am a recovering alcoholic and know that any drinking which begins to cost you more than simply money is potentially catastrophic. You may choose to call it an inconsequential occasional fuck-up; I call it alcoholism.

[WhateverTrevor83]

That's of course up to you and your opinion but with all due respect we aren't doctors - as much as we may all have experiences of viewing/living with alcoholism.

Think we're all agreed that it's good that OP has turned a corner since the weekend. Can still understand why she felt betrayed by the recording though - and his use of the word scumbag worries me just as much as her drinking.

Just because OP has/did have a problem with booze doesn't make it ok for her own husband to call her a scumbag.

[hickorychicken]

Strange thread....

[AnyFucker]

what is strange about it ?

[CoteDAzur]

"You acted like a scumbag" is not the same thing as "You are a scumbag".

OP's DH said she acted like a scumbag, which sounds like a fair observation given that OP admits having embarrassed herself and him in front of his friends.

He didn't call her "scumbag".

[WhateverTrevor83]

Oh FFS. This is such judgemental nonsense. Feel like I'm getting picked on for pointing out that she didn't do anything that bad! And it isn't, vilifying OP for getting drunk once on an empty stomach when she was nervous and around people she feels uncomfortable with isn't helpful.

Good luck OP. Hope you turn a corner and resolve this with DH (RE recording) if you want to. Please don't beat yourself up. What happened at the weekend was embarrassing and unfortunate and something I'm sure you will avoid repeating. Don't beat yourself up about it and don't grovel for one blip in twelve years.

I'm out. X

[CoteDAzur]

"she didn't do anything that bad"

We must have very different standards of bad behaviour.

Imho, bad behaviour is being aggressive towards a friend because you are stressed about work or something. You explain why you were stressed, apologise and try not to do it again.

A 40-year-old woman getting hammered during a social occasion, making a scene and totally embarrassing her DH in front of his friends is inexcusable. It is something teenagers do, before they grow up and learn to behave with dignity.

[hickorychicken]

Its strange because one person thinks they have no issue but thinks the other does and the other person recorded.... strange relationship should i say!

[AnyFucker]

the OP has openly said she has issues with her drinking and she will be re evaluating the situation

haven't you read all the thread, HC ?

[WhateverTrevor83]

So one minute we're slapping a alcoholic label on OP's back and now we're calling her not a real grown up and having no dignity how supportive - well done!

She didn't shag someone else. Or get in to a fight. She got drunk. Once. Stop being so bloody judgemental and see this what it is - a once in 12 year incident. That OP is remorseful about. You all sound like headmistresses! 'Despicable behaviour'. So pious! Why don't you give her lines as well, or a hundred lashes!

Stop the witch hunt and advise OP on her DH taking a recording that she said made her feel 'betrayed'.

She doesn't want telling off - hubby has that covered. There's people on (MN) with tales of adultery and violence. She got pissed a party. That's it. Give her a break!

Really going now. To have a glass of wine (sorry - enjoy your cups of tea!) x

[hickorychicken]

No,sorry Tbf in the op it was made to sound he has a problem and she does not.
I would be mortified if dp recorded me pissed

[CoteDAzur]

Yeah, well, I'm sorry that hearing the truth is difficult for you, Trevor.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

I feel for you op. Please try to understand that although your husband was really harsh with you its terrifying for him also. It's really hard to help an addict. You blame them (i am guilty of that) and feel like why dont they just stop. It doesn't help and makes the addict feel worse, they cut themsrlves off from the people they care about and the spiral continues. What to do? Do you feel like you want to continue to drink? If you do have you considered AA. I am not an addict, but my brother has struggled with addiction for years and has been attending AA and NA. It may not be for you. But you do need support. Be less hard on yourself. This is a heavy burden you have to carry. I hope this is some help but I do not know what you are going through personally. I can just give an outsiders perspective, which could be wrong.

[ithaka]

She got pissed a party. That's it

The relative I spoke of earlier in the thread 'got pissed at a party'. It was horrific. The next day he thought he hadn't really been that bad - of course he couldn't recall, he was pissed.

it took a week or so for him to realise, apologise & pull it back together. A week or so in which his wife went through hell. I wish I had thought to record him. He can have no conception of how awful he was.

Pissed at a party - have you ever had anyone close to you with a drink problem? Your glibness is inappropriate to a situation when a husband has an obvious and real unhappiness about his wife's drinking, which she admits herself has been problematic in the past.

[SwimmingClose]

Mystified at the conclusions people are drawing on so little information, some of them seem very attacky on the OP. I hope you resolve the issue anyway.

[WhateverTrevor83]

Cote dragging that cross around on your back must be very heavy, martyr.
Good luck OP x and great post bearleft
Sorry for ranting. Night all x

[CoteDAzur]

Some very weird newbies are out to play tonight

[bearleftmonkeyright]

I don't know if that was directed at me cote because I rarely post here or anywhere. I just talk from the heart. I don't like you find the op's behavior "inexcusable".

[JustLikeHeaven]

Oh god!!! Well thanks everyone. . Even the harsh comments

It's difficult to explain our nearly 20 year history in a few posts or exactly what happened that night.

I remember everything about the party, what I said and how I behaved. Which is why I am embarrassed.. I am naturally shy and have always used. . Abused alcohol to gain confidence. Yes I know that doesn't work. I left the party on good terms with everyone, I walked out, I wasn't carried out like someone inferred. I kept harping on about something and if I was sober I wouldn't have done so.

I don't believe I am an alcoholic, I do have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol but to my mind that's not the same. I am going to speak to someone this week. A friend recommended her and I got a cancellation. Maybe I will report back in a few weeks.

We still haven't talked as the eldest is still awake

[CoteDAzur]

Bear - No, that was a reply to Trevor who said "she didn't do anything that bad".

[bearleftmonkeyright]

Sounds good op, hope you get on ok. Would be interested to hear how it goes.

[JustLikeHeaven]

Well I am a newbie too. I don't like that term to be honest. We can't all be here for the last 10 years

[CoteDAzur]

Bear - Ah sorry, I just realised what you meant. That was about Trevor calling me a martyr. (Not sure what that was about)

I'm having another strange conversation on another thread, which is why I generalised.

[bearleftmonkeyright]

Ok cote, fair enough . I am glad op has come back. It's interesting to hear so many different opinions and I think the problems people can have with alcohol are swept under the carpet. My brother said there were 24 people at the AA meeting he went to on Christmas Eve at a tiny rural church near my parents. All those people worrying and struggling that alcohol making their lives worse. I admire the op for trying to tackle this.

[ChokerPips]

I too would be annoyed at my DH recording me. It is like a violation of privacy...you are talking/ranting whatever, thinking he is listening to you, when all the while he has his finger on the record button on his phone. It is a betrayal. Even if his intentions were good, he did not tell you he was recording you. You thought he was listening when he had an altogether different agenda.

BUT....I really do think his intentions WERE indeed good, so despite his 'underhandness' (is that a word??) I think you should find a way to forgive him and talk to him. This is definitely a solvable problem, OP.