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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I'm done

207 replies

onemoredayplease · 15/02/2014 09:56

I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terribleSad . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.

OP posts:
DorothyBastard · 15/02/2014 22:09

God, I wouldn't be able to put up with the miserable PA sod, I'd call him out on his spiteful attitude right in front of all his family at his party.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 15/02/2014 23:11

party over and his elderly parents and kids are ok and happy. not a word of thanks from him. I'm sleeping on sofa tonight. im not being unreasonable am I? honestly the weekend was planned with the kids. he wouldn't say what he wanted so I decided to give him a weekend of happy memories. more fool me.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 15/02/2014 23:13

I think you have been more than reasonable. Enjoy your own space (even if it is a sofa). Did he appear to enjoy the party?

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 15/02/2014 23:25

thanks. I will sleep well tonight. didnt get a great night last night. I think he did enjoy the evening. ive done my best.off to sleep now. thanks all for your support.

OP posts:
Original poster
onemoredayplease · 16/02/2014 18:42

shitty day today. cancelled the skating and meal out. hes not said a word about it. I cant speak to him im so annoyed and upset. his normal pattern is to just avoid talking about any issues and waiting for them to blow over. his kids go back to their mum any minute. not sure what to do or say. feel sick. I feel if I let this go I am saying he can treat me as he wants. shitty day Sad

OP posts:
Handywoman · 16/02/2014 18:52

Sad is the somewhere you can stay overnight? With a friend? To get some headspace? Poor you. I'm so sorry this is happening.

CynicalandSmug · 16/02/2014 19:08

What an awful time you are having. I wish you could plan my 40th, sounds like you know how to put together a thoughtful family/friend orientated few days. What a miserable old sod he is.

Is this the life you want to continue with? Can you see things improving?Like handy I think you could do with some away time to think.

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 16/02/2014 19:12

am I over reacting?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 19:17

I feel if I let this go I am saying he can treat me as he wants

I agree 100% and you are not overreacting.

I would wait until the children are gone and then say to him "What the hell is wrong with you?"

It might all come out.

Any chance he could be seeing someone else. He has emotionally distanced himself which is usually one of the signs.

Handywoman · 16/02/2014 19:17

No

RandomMess · 16/02/2014 19:17

No you're not, he can't even be bothered to communicate with you about it. So regardless of what you have done wrong in his eyes his behaviour over it is unreasonable.

whitsernam · 16/02/2014 19:20

Wow! Just. Wow. I cannot imagine living with someone who acts this way, especially when you made such nice arrangements for including his kids in his special day.

I hated my 50th..... but it comes anyway!! And I can't see behaving this way with the kids..... Please do take some time to spell it out to him what effect this has on everyone, and also time for you to think alone. Pamper yourself if you possibly can. [chocolates]

LemonIsTheNewLime · 16/02/2014 19:21

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
onemoredayplease · 16/02/2014 19:26

he is just acting as if hes done nothing wrong. the kids are hiding in their rooms. his 2 dont know what the hell is going on. mine knows im unhappy with his behaviour. its just all so weird. I didnt see this coming at all. theres no way hes having an affair. he (we) never go anywhere.

OP posts:
Handywoman · 16/02/2014 19:26

If you can't face the confrontation tonight, OP, tell him you're going out with a friend to chill after a busy weekend. Or something. Then get some real life support. Hugs to you.

CynicalandSmug · 16/02/2014 19:28

Overreacting? No. Not at all. But I think that as you have had to ask you need time to get things into perspective, gather your thoughts, before deciding how to proceed.

CynicalandSmug · 16/02/2014 19:29

Is here any chance he is having a breakdown?

DustBunnyFarmer · 16/02/2014 19:31

Given how closely involved the children were in the planning, they must feel pretty rejected and upset too. I feel for all of you. His behaviour is beyond the pale.

eddielizzard · 16/02/2014 19:31

sounds to me like you're at the end of your tether and he certainly isn't making any effort. he sounds like a spoilt brat. what was he expecting? a fortnight in the carribean???

Fairenuff · 16/02/2014 19:32

I would tell him that I was absolutely disgusted with his behaviour. He let his children down and has behaved like a spoilt child.

I would ask him what he thinks he's playing at because at the moment he is looking like a right tit.

ImperialBlether · 16/02/2014 19:33

My ex husband was having an affair and he didn't go anywhere, either. It was with a married woman from work and it all went on at work and after work. I wondered why mine wasn't happier (I would've been bloody delighted if I was having an affair, given how miserable he was) but in fact it had been going on for years and had gone past that heady stage.

I wonder whether he was definitely texting his daughter that night. I bet you didn't see the texts, did you?

It does sound to me as though he thinks there's a better life out there for him and that's usually because there's someone out there offering that.

I was shouting at the screen when I saw you'd slept downstairs. Don't do that again. Go to bed first and tell him to fuck off and sleep wherever else he wants.

He's made everyone unhappy this weekend - it's time he suffered now.

DorothyBastard · 16/02/2014 19:33

You are definitely not overreacting, I'd say you're underreacting.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2014 19:35

What are you waiting for ?

Give him both barrels and tell him to Fuck right off

You already sound like you pussyfoot around his fucking majesty

End it before he makes a bigger mug of you in front of your kids

WhateverTrevor83 · 16/02/2014 19:47

How's it going OP? X

SerenaBracken · 16/02/2014 19:53

You sound like a single mum of three who has a mad neighbour plaguing you all.
What would you do in that instance?