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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

think I'm done

207 replies

onemoredayplease · 15/02/2014 09:56

I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terrible . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.

OP posts:

Report

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 19:59

Its more that he won't talk. if I try he doesn't normally respond, will leave the room then not speak to me for days. with a letter he can't get away. its there. I can explain fully and he can keep reading it.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:04

have a look at this

It's not the best website on gaslighting but it will give you an idea. You can google more yourself.

If he won't talk and walks away this is a form of control. It is actually abusive behaviour designed to make you do what he wants.

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:05

Did you hand him the letter or just leave it somewhere?

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:11

I left it. I know he has read it. it was left for him because if I had been there I don't think he woukd have read it. this way if he wanted to kmow where I was and why he had to read it.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:13

How do you know he read it?

Handywoman · 17/02/2014 20:15

I think if it has come to this (leaving him a letter is the only way to get through to him) this ship has sailed. What is there to save? Very sad. Please stay strong OP.

pictish · 17/02/2014 20:15

Oh God...he sounds abysmal!
Where's the fun in life, spending it with this miserable, ungracious drip?

Nah...one life. Live it.

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:21

the contents of his text relate to what was in the letter so it has been read as I knew it would be.

OP posts:

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:24

looked at the gaslighting link. some of it could apply I guess. I just feel so sad and disappointed

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:25

Ah ok, that's good, so you know he read it. Did he mention anything about it his text. I'm just so astounded at his behaviour OP and you seem to take it in your stride as if you are used to it.

If this was my dh he would be on the phone like a shot, apologising for being an idiot and begging me to come home and let him make it up to me.

His behaviour is not normal you know.

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:26

How long are you planning on staying away, just overnight?

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:34

we are just away tonight. I'm back at work wednesday.
I am a calm person and to be honest I didnt expect a response at all. I thought he would let me walk judging by his past responses when I've tried to speak to him. he hates conflict and is very passive aggressive. I can deal with that to an extent. I do however know what my bottom line is

his relationship with my daughter
his behaviour at the weekend

OP posts:

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:36

isn't it normal? he has said he's not going to have a conversation by text so will wait till I get home. I know he will be dreading it as he hates that type of conversation but he does know very clearly that I am ready to walk.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:36

I am a very calm person too but I would speak to my dh if he did this. Not shout, row or argue but ask him for some straight answers to some straight questions.

However, I think you are beyond rational discussion. I'm glad you have set your boundaries, now all you have to do is enforce them. Don't let him fob you off.

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:37

No, it is not normal, really x

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:37

got to go, will check in later. I am grateful for all your support. im finding this really hard.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:38

He doesn't have to have a conversation by text, does he? He could call on the phone and speak to you in person.

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:38

im not good at enforcing

OP posts:

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 20:40

yes, realistically I know that. he could phone, he could turn up. im not that far away. got to go, daughter is shouting me.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 20:40

We can help you with that

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/02/2014 20:42

He's playing a game of 'push me, pull you' with you, OP. You've lived together for some time, he's seen you in bits at the way the birthday weekend has gone. He could have ended your misery at any time since you've been home, even if he couldn't pull himself together at the hotel.

He did. He chose to carry on ignoring you. You've left him a letter; I think that you've left it open-ended and because you don't really want to end it, you're still 'fair game' to him. You don't really need to digest his texts, do you? If he would have anything about him, he would be coming to where you are and begging to talk to you properly.

Texts are cheap, predictive text takes care of all the word - and they're impossible to fathom correctly because there is no indication of mood or inflection of voice.

If it were me, OP, I'd be thinking about what I want, what my daughter needs - and never mind his wants. He wasn't thinking of you then and funnily enough, he isn't now. Put yourself and your daughter first and if it helps, follow the advice you'd give her were she in your position later on.

WhateverTrevor83 · 17/02/2014 21:34

Lying I don't always agree with your posts but you're really smart - and you're bang on here in my experience :-)

Does anyone at work know what the plans were at the weekend OP? People may ask you about it and it's always good to get perspective of people who know and interact with you in RL.

How's your daughter? X

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cjel · 17/02/2014 22:08

I just wanted to pick up on the point that you think you've failed. You really haven't and if this man isn't being part of dds life you are succeeding in wanting the best for her, (((hugs)))

onemoredayplease · 17/02/2014 22:51

thanks all. daughter is good. she enjoys being with our family so this is an unexpected treat. we have talked tonight. she wanted to talk about the weekend. I have been honest and said that I am angry and upset by partners behaviour. this seemed to make her brave and has allowed her to talk about how she feels at home. not easy to listen to but out in the open now. she also said she would love it if it was just the two of us again.
I have resisted answering the text. I know if he was truly that bothered he would be here. he may love me to bits but thats not enough to bring any sort of reaction. strange but it reminds me of when my mum was seriously ill. he would text to see how I was (she lives 100 miles away) but he never offered to be there with me. when I actually asked and arranged it all he came.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 17/02/2014 23:58

Actions speak louder than words OP, as you have realised. Your dd is a canny girl, she can see him for what he is. Please be very strong and brave for her and get him out of both your lives.

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