think I'm done

[onemoredayplease]

I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terrible . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.

[onemoredayplease]

yes. hes not said a word

[Handywoman]

Really? Acted as normal? If you can't face talking to him then just leave!

[onemoredayplease]

weird. not a word except that he has already walked the dog and daughter can stay at home with him today instead of going to playscheme. WTF?

[pinkpaws]

I am heading out to work but wanted to check in and see how you are . I hope you feel you have made some progress or both you and your daughter sake. I feel an empathy with you my husband is not unlike yours and ask me to go to a important hospital appointment coming up on my own he has a work thing (minor). But any how hope things are brighter take care.

[onemoredayplease]

hes tip toeing around me. but has not acknowledged an problem. be damned if I'm raising it for him.

[CinnabarRed]

Do raise it with him. Because one of you has to, and it's damn well not going to be him. If you don't bite the bullet now then you'll be locked in this stalemate forever.

[wannabestressfree]

Please don't leave this. Your daughter has reached out to you and it's your responsibility to do something about how she feels. Otherwise how can she trust you again

[Clutterbugsmum]

I hope you find somewhere for you and your DD to live safe and happy soon.

He not going to change he has no need to, if he got to 50 behaving like a toddler then it's working for him.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

Has he read this thread ?

[eddielizzard]

if it were me (easy to say) i would be making plans to move out / tell him to leave.

his silence speaks volumes and none of it is what you need to hear.

[cjel]

How are you this morning?

[onemoredayplease]

No he hasn't read this. I'm just at a loss, I don't understand the behaviour. I got up today to the dog walked and a cup of coffee waiting for me! I have walked that dog when I have barely been able to put my foot to the ground! today he walks her. Thtas not going to solve our problems.

[Fairenuff]

OP I know this is hard for you. Keep reading up about gaslighting and stonewalling. What about booking some counselling sessions for yourself to see if you can unravel why you are allowing him to treat you like this.

He is completely ignoring you, as if you are the least important 'thing' in his life. This is also how he treats your daughter. She is sick of it and wants to leave him. You can do it, you can leave with her.

It's not worth trying to talk to him about it, he is going to deny anything is wrong, blank you, ignore you or just say that you are too sensitive or even crazy.

This is never going to work. Just start packing your bags. If that doesn't make him ask what you're doing, nothing will. Pack and, when you're done, tell him you will be back for the rest later.

No more explanations are necessary. You told him how you felt in your letter and he has ignored it.

Walk out of the door with your head held high.

[Katisha]

This is him thinking that he is showing you he is making more of an effort and saves him actually talking to you. It will last a few days... Anyway you do have to talk to him and he isn't going to start that conversation so I think you need to, this one last time.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Is this his normal behaviour after you have had a disagreement.

He's ignoring what happened and treating you 'nicely' until you forget what he has done and not spoken about his behaviour at the weekend until you do he thinks it's gone away and every thing is ok.

[Fairenuff]

Btw, if you think walking the dog and making you a coffee is nice behaviour, you couldn't be more wrong.

It is nasty, spiteful, hateful behaviour. He is saying, "I can't be arsed to talk to you and I certainly don't need to explain myself to someone so far beneath me, you're so stupid that I'll walk the damn dog and you'll be pathetically grateful."

Horrible, horrible man

[AnyFuckerHQ]

....and so the nice/nasty cycle carries on

It seems if you want things to change, you will have to do it yourself

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I'm just at a loss, I don't understand the behaviour.

You don't need to understand it.

You just need to recognise that it this is a poisonous atmosphere for you and your daughter to live in.

And then you need to make a move to make a home for her that she will enjoy living in.

How can you put this man and his ridiculous moody, manipulative bullshit ahead of a little girl?

[AnyFuckerHQ]

Sorry, love. It does look like you are putting your ridiculous relationship with this man above the emotional welfare of your daughter. I am sure that is not your intention but your stubborn "if he isn't going to raise things, then I am not" is just enabling this poor example you are both setting her

Break the stalemate and do something yourself. What are you frightened of.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Oh dear!
Sorry... but why are you still there putting up with this?
I just don't understand your reasoning.
I don't mean to be harsh but your DD has to come first.
Why isn't she coming first?
This man is a waste of space and you know it.
Please take your DD and yourself away from him.
Let him sulk all on his own.
Seriously!!!

[onemoredayplease]

I know you are all right. I need to speak to him. My daughter is all I can think of but I'm frightened too.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

What are you frightened of ?

Why do you need to speak to him ? Just make your plans without him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I agree with AF - you DON'T need to speak to him.
It's gonna be really hard.
You have been together for a while and you are also involved with his children.
But.... this is never ever ever going to improve.
Take one step at a time.

[Fairenuff]

I've been asking you all along what you are frightened of OP. It's clear from your post that there is something stopping you from confronting him and it does sound like fear.

You don't have to say a word to him if you don't want to. Wait until he goes out for something, then pack a few things and leave. Come back later with supportive friends to get the rest of your stuff.

On the face it, it seems as straightforward as it could be, in the circumstances, so what is stopping you?

[onemoredayplease]

I'm frightened of leaving our home, of starting again, being alone, the upset and distress which is ahead of me. I'm frightened that this is somehow my fault, that I've already damaged my daughter beyond repair, I'm frightened of the size of the mess that I'm in. How do I do this without speaking to him? I need to sell a house which is in joint names, we will have to live here together until its sold, there's no way he will move out.