think I'm done

[onemoredayplease]

I've posted several times before. have been in relationship with partner 6 years. three kids between us. mine the youngest at 11. it was his 50th yesterday. wouldn't tell me what he wanted to do so I arranged a childfree night in a posh hotel complete with lovely spa. this was to be followed by an action packed weekend with various activities chosen by each child. he knew the kids have planned the remainder of the weekend. last night we were away and it was a terrible . he didnt want to go that was clear. wouldnt come to spa, sat playing on free wifi. evening meal spent texting his daughter. he admitted he would rather be at home, didnt want to be away from kids. I apologised said the arrangements had been made with the best intentions. made no difference. beautiful old hotel on top of a hill so very noisy last night with the winds. he hasn't slept. we were up at 7.30 no breakfast as I couldnt face the silence. got home and hes gone straight to bed, didnt even acknowledge the kids work decorating the house ready for a family party tonight. I've prepped the party whilst he has slept but to be honest I don't want a party. I feel hurt that all the hard work arranging this was swept aside. his mind was made that it wasn't something he wanted and he wasn't going to enjoy it.
this all comes on top of ongoing issues with his behaviour towards my daughter, it feels like the nail in the coffin.

[AnyFucker]

I think you should listen very carefully indeed to your dd

She has the measure of him

[onemoredayplease]

believe it or not I have talked this through with my x husband. he knows me better than most and tells it as it is. he too thinks this is an unhealthy relationship. my daughters words will give me the strength I need I hope to see this through. I have thought about leaving many times before but have always pulled back in the hope things will improve instead they have got infinitely worse. in many ways he is a lovely man. but its the bits that really matter that are missing.

[Fairenuff]

It's good that there are people around you who can see what he is like and how this is affecting you. It helps to give you perspective. Keep reading up on gaslighting, it sounds like you have been doubting yourself for a while.

Start putting plans into place so that you know where you stand financially, etc. if you leave. Who's name is the house in?

[onemoredayplease]

have been reading up on passive aggressive too. my family are around me and supporting me. financially we will be fine. everything is in joint names and its a house that should sell as its in a popular area. it will be tough till we are out of there. but there will be our own little home at the end of it. it all feels so surreal. last week we were excited at a fun filled weekend. today im thinking through where we would live etc.

[Fairenuff]

When are you going to speak with him, this evening?

[hellsbellsmelons]

It does sound miserable.
You need to listen to your DD as she should come first.
Also look up 'stonewalling'
I hope you keep that strength.
Everyone is telling you this is unhealthy and you know it deep down.
You don't need a man to make you happy - as quite clearly this one is making you and your DD miserable.
Get away asap.

[onemoredayplease]

yes, I'm home this evening so expect we will talk then. I haven't heard anything else from him. all I can think is if you wanted me you would have done more than send one text. how can he think thats an appropriate response to your partner of 6 years saying she's had enough? and whats the rationale behind making me wait? is it to wear me down? what the hell do I say?

[AnyFuckerHQ]

Tell him you are at the end of the line. Finito. What more do you need to say ? It's entirely your choice whether to stay in this damaging relationship. You don't have to justify yourself to him (he wouldn't listen anyway, so don't waste your breath)

[Fairenuff]

Agree that he won't listen and he won't change. You've tried that before anyway and he didn't change did he. Don't waste any more time on him.

Leave. If he really wants you, he will come after you. Do you really think that will happen?

[pinkpaws]

Hope things go well not sure what that would mean because as you have said your done with him . I hope he acknowledges your feelings and talks honestly to you but from what i have read that seems unlikely . Let us here on musnet know how things turn out you have all our support .

[onemoredayplease]

thanks all. I feel sick. hes not home yet. but still don't know what words will come out my mouth.

[Fairenuff]

Tell him that you want him to sit down at the table with you. Look him in the eye and ask him to explain his behaviour over the last four days. Then say nothing. Let the silence drag on. And on.

If he attempts to get up and leave, tell him you are not finished, you want some answers.

Whatever he does tell you, don't respond straight away. In fact, you could take notes of the main points. Just nod and take it all in. Then you can have some thinking time before you respond to him.

He might, of course have some big revelation that could surprise or even shock you. If that's the case, tell him you will need to take some time to think about it.

He might say that, for him, the relationship is over, in which case you will be on the same page and can make arrangements to separate amicably.

[onemoredayplease]

no his text said he didnt want us to be over. oh god. I hate this. feel sick and anxious.

[onemoredayplease]

I think over the last 24 hours his behaviour has become less of an issue to me than how my daughter feels. that is what would need to change hugely for me to continue here. its clear she wants out of the current situation.

[Fairenuff]

He might not want it to be over but it's not just him that gets to make that decision is it. He treated you very badly, he stonewalled you and refused to explain his disgusting behaviour.

He really thinks that he can walk all over you. He expects you to just accept that he was having an 'off' weekend. Or feeling miserable about being 50 or some other such nonsense.

None of that excuses his behaviour and that fact that he thinks he has a right to behave like that.

Let him stew, let him be upset, let him cry like the baby he is. You leave with your head held high. If he is that desperate to keep you, he will come running.

He's not home yet and he hasn't called you while you were away or asked the family to babysit so that he could take you out and talk with you.

FFS the man has done nothing to make amends. Nothing.

[Fairenuff]

Keep that lovely girl at the front of your mind. She deserves better than this, you both do.

[onemoredayplease]

hes swimming with son. does it every tuesday. obviously didnt think he needed to change his routine. thank you. I can't tell you what a support you have been. my rl best friend is struggling with depression so I don't want to drop this on her.

[Fairenuff]

He clearly doesn't think that your letter was serious enough to warrant him changing his routine. He just isn't taking you seriously all round. He will probably walk in and ask you what's for dinner.

[Lifeisaboxofchocs]

Oh i feel for you OP. Sounds horrendous.
The description of your relationship aside from this weekend is very troubling. This is not how a loving supportive relationship works. It seems to me like two strangers living together, and occasionally two enemies.

I do have to say that I am a little baffled why you went to such an incredible effort for him given the fact that the relationship is appalling. It strikes me that he used the effort you had gone to as another weapon in the silent war between the two of you.

Deeply unhealthy and upsetting for all concerned.

[onemoredayplease]

god knows. I just want it over with.

[Destinysdaughter]

Just read your thread. I really feel for you, you have tried so hard and got so little back. He sounds selfish and very passive aggressive. Love is about actions and he doesn't demonstrate he loves you at all. Sounds like he takes you for granted. I think you would be so much happier if it was just you and your daughter. Think about what YOU want and remember you are entitled to feel angry. Good luck!

[AnyFuckerHQ]

OP, has it crossed your mind that he is deliberately stringing this out tonight because he knows full well you will be stressing out just now

you have us, stay calm and focussed x

[cakehappy]

God, what a deadbeat. You sound very patient and loving and longsuffering!! He just sounds like a twat. Totally emotionally dead:( don't put yourself or even more importantly your daughter in this situation anymore. By the way, he won't change. He doesn't care enough and thus behaviour is just tooooo ingrained. Just do what you need to do and get out.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

So even when your Mum was seriously ill, he still did as little as he could get away with? He will ever change. His behaviour is piss poor!
Stand your ground. You need more in your life than this minimalist effort. He doesn't engage at all. The common saying on here, 'He has checked out of the relationship'. With him it sounds like he barely checked in! Leave. You will sprout wings, big shiny flappy ones and you will find someone that would give you the courtesy of more than one poxy text!

[Fairenuff]

Are you ok OP?