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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't believe this - so upset

184 replies

bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:38

just got home to find ds asleep in living room with back door wide open. dh upstairs - would never have known if someone had crept in or even if a cat had got in. can't believe he could be so careless and stupid - feel like exploding - i'm so upset and angry. Am i overreacting

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:39

ds is 3 months old

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 05/08/2006 17:41

I think women tend to ne more protective then men..have a cup of tea and a sit down

HuwEdwards · 05/08/2006 17:43

erm....yes I think you are.

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 05/08/2006 17:46

sorry - I think you're over reacting a little bit too.

psychomum5 · 05/08/2006 17:48

I really don't think that men think in the same way as us.

we nurture a baby for nine months in which we become very attached, and any type of danger, real or imagined, turn us into mother lions.

I don't think he has done anything bad.....I am assuming that baby is secure???

If baby was secure when you were at home, and you needed to put the washing out, I assume then that you would, and even leave the back door open at the same time????

Don't get overly wound up by what he has done.....your hormones are going to make it seems much worse than it really is. If he had left baby in the garden or the car, now than I would yell, but not in the safety of you own home.

calm down, and stop fretting. honestly.....tis not worth getting wound up....baby will sense it too and for him it isn't fair.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:59

ds was in carrycot in a room with door to outside wide open. anyone could have walked through it..

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 05/08/2006 18:02

it's exceedingly rare for someone to take a baby..isn't the back door to your own garden or yard

Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 18:12

yes back door is to garden, but anyone could walk into our garden as it's not fully enclosed

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 05/08/2006 18:13

I think you are worrying too much..he is fine, there really aren't a lot of dangers in your own home from strangers

Alipiggie · 05/08/2006 18:14

I worried get so stressed about it, as psychomum5 says men don't have the same alerts mechanism as we do. My h can quite easily turn his back on them whilst out shopping so we lost ds2 then 2 in large hardware store. Luckily well staffed, but he could easily have disappeared.

Alipiggie · 05/08/2006 18:14

Meant wouldn't get so stressed

psychomum5 · 05/08/2006 18:23

please don't fret.....he won't have done it to harm him or upset you.....he really won't have thought about it in the same way.

women by nature are look outs for danger for their kiddies, as opposed to men who are more conscious of wear the next meal is coming from.

in our house, money issues is what gets to my DH, wear as for me, it is worries about the kiddies and their health which is a trigger.

My DH wouldn't and doesn't think twice about letting them try new things and climb etc....where-as there is me having a dicky fit if they go infront of me to cross the road in safety instead of hold my hand.

I am assuming this is your first too??? That measns you are extra alert and jumpy about danger. I was with our first......literally didn't leave her for the first five weeks, and then when I did I rang home every half hour and then went back after two!!!

compared to baby#5 who was given to my very trusted friend for half a day at 6 days old as my brother was getting married and our others were the bridesmaids/page boy and needed fittings etc. I never really gave him a thought. I knew he would be safe....

calm down....please....baby is fine and he was in his own home.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 18:29

i know you're right. it's just that now dh has made it even worse by saying he only popped upstairs to check something on the computer so would have been back down in a couple of minutes but when i went to the computer it was in the middle of one of his computer games. i told him i'd seen it and he admitted he's started playing his game but stopped when i came in. So if i'd be out longer, ds could have been there for ages. I'm even more angry now as dh has lied about it

OP posts:
Bibliophile · 05/08/2006 18:34

He only lied because he is afraid of you going ballistic! Really, this is not a terrible thing. I have done far, far, far worse. In fact, I'd say sneaking off to get on the computer the minute your baby is asleep is what makes Mumsnet what it is!
Please try to leave this be. It's not worth falling out with your husband over. England is simply not full of baby-thieves. I know to you your baby is the most desirable thing ever and you (if you are anything like I was) believe that everyone is desperate to get their hands on him, but really, that isn't the case. He was asleep and safe in his basket, your husband was in the house, listening out for him. In the great scale of risks, I'd say this one barely registers.
And anyway....don't you ever lie to your husband?

Quootiepie · 05/08/2006 19:46

im with you - i would go mad. Playing on a game?? Backdoor open? Fair enough, the local pedo is not likely to drop in, but blooming flee ridden cats might. Was a monitor on? It wouldnt have been impossible to take DS upstairs with him. Someone could peer over garden fence...

vitomum · 05/08/2006 20:25

I do agree with what the others are saying and that you should not fall out with your DH over this.... however i would also be wanting reassurances from him that he will not do this again.

colditz · 05/08/2006 20:29

I will be the voice of dissent here, I would go bloody ballistice if dp left ds2 downstairs on his own with the doors open while he pissed about on the computer!

Toady · 05/08/2006 20:42

I would go ape shit as well but we would only fall out for ........... maybe an hour. Tbh dh would not do it he is more cautious than me.

Hopefully it will make your DH think next time.

Toady · 05/08/2006 20:47

I also make sure the doors are locked if I am going upstairs and there are any children downstairs.

Am I paranoid??!!

glassofwine · 05/08/2006 20:48

It's not unreasonable for your DH to take some rare child free time to play a computer game. Perhaps I wouldn't do it with the door open if my garden was that exposed, but explaining to him how you feel about it calmly is more likely to get a response. I know you don't realise it, but your hormones are still raging, you'l look back and think you overreacted - honest.

vitomum · 05/08/2006 20:48

yes, i would go ballistic if he did it a second time

Monkeybar · 05/08/2006 20:54

It used to wind me up hugely that my dh would be on the computer and my ds would be in his wheels getting grumpy when I would return from visiting my terminally ill dad in hosp. I'd come home and the poor little chap would be moaning, with the odd 'ohhh, what's the matter, it's alright' thrown in his direction from my dh who'd be eyes glued to the computer. Blokes just don't get it. Blokes just don't have the same desire to be with their little ones. Mine also used to 'mind' him by sitting in front of the telly with him propped next to him on the sofa - too heavy to be in his arms, apparently - adn if he cried, dh would just increase the volume on the tv so he could still watch whatever sh*te it was.

It sounds like your dh has been a bit thoughtless, but not intentionally neglectful. They just don't think the same. They aren't used to having to be there 24/7 so it doesn't feel like an arm is missing if they're not in sight.

Hopefully he won't do it again!!

Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 23:49

just escalated hugely. we ended up having a fairly good evening, dinner in the garden and a few glasses of wine. the i told dh that a few people on here thought what he' done was wrong and i was still v upset with it. he stomped off and said he was going upstairs - not aggresively. The iabout half hour later i went up and found he was asleep, he also not fed ds. like he nornally does for the late feed as he was asleep. i was v angry and kept telling him - he got vv angry and in the end told me to fuck off and was really screaming at me and tole me to fuck off again 3 times - all this in the room next door to where ds was sleeping. I kept telling him that ds would he but he was so consumed with anger, he caried on. it thumped him and threw my wedding rind at thim after he told me to f off - he has promised before not to swear as he knows how much i hate it. feeling desperate now, just don't know where to turn or what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 23:53

please help someone

OP posts:
LaDiDaDi · 05/08/2006 23:54

Oh dear bouncybabe, it sounds like things really got out of hand. Where is your dh now?

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