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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

can't believe this - so upset

184 replies

bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:38

just got home to find ds asleep in living room with back door wide open. dh upstairs - would never have known if someone had crept in or even if a cat had got in. can't believe he could be so careless and stupid - feel like exploding - i'm so upset and angry. Am i overreacting

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bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:32

well that didn't go well. i apologisd for wakig him up and continuing arguing etc, told him i was very upset about his shouting, but he's now said i deserved everything i got as i wouldn't stop arguing with him

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bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:33

what now? the weekend is disappearing, so wanted a nice time together

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looneytune · 06/08/2006 12:34

Oh dear, you were advised not to mention his shouting during the apologising Don't know what to say.

jofeb04 · 06/08/2006 12:35

Try say "sorry", and thats it. Dont keep on going on about his shouting when you apologise

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:35

i know, it just sort of came out, i suppose i was hoping he would apologise for it but he didn't so i was trying to get him to by telling him how upset i was - but it had the opposite effect

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suejonez · 06/08/2006 12:36

Can you let it drop for now and calm down naturally. Is there any point you continuing to obsess about this. Any chance of just getting on with things normally today?

looneytune · 06/08/2006 12:37

I know it's hard but next time you must JUST say sorry. Btw, this is coming from someone who finds it very hard not to say something but over the years I've found that by just saying sorry, dh actually apologises off his own back!

suejonez · 06/08/2006 12:38

the point of an apology is to say sorry not to manipulate someone else into apologising! Sorry you probably didn't need me to say that as you're obviously stressed about it.

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:38

i'm going to have another go now, keep repeating to myself - just say sorry, don't mention the shouting ....

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suejonez · 06/08/2006 12:39

I really wouldn;t try again - just do something nice like make him a cup of tea and leave it at that.

thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 12:52

You were told and you wernt listing to good advice . LOL

thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 12:54

Just had an idea could you show him this thread to show him how you feel and he will love us because we have told you to back of and be nice to him .

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:59

i managed to say sorry for waking him up, etc and he came over and gave me a hug and said he was sorry for shouting. but then i got annoyed because there now isn't time to do what we'd planned to do today and so we're almost back to square 1. what now?

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thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 13:03

FFS woman what planet are you on . Do you actually like your dh .

Carmenere · 06/08/2006 13:05

Change your plans to do something else instead! Honestly, I've been reading this thread and I'm beginning to get annoyed with you. Give him a break he is trying to make up and you, by the sounds of it are choosing to be confrontational. These are all symptoms of PND and it can't be pleasant living with someone who is depressed and a bit irrational. Start on the ad's and make an effort to fix the difficult situation you find yourself in. It's not all his fault, you have to help yourself too. Try to have a nice day with your dh and baby

looneytune · 06/08/2006 13:08

Don't want to upset you but you really need to hear this. Totally agree with Carmenere I'm afraid! I'm getting annoyed with the fact you can't let it go and then when all gets sorted, you're annoyed about something else!

I think you probably do have PND, I was like this with ds. Picking fights, totally irrational etc etc.

Please try and help yourself get this sorted!

FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 13:23

LOL at everyone getting annoyed

take a deep breath bouncybabe (is anyone else feeling like this was maybe a bit of a misnomer? )

perhaps you need some time apart, could one of you take ds out while the other chills out? You could both do something nice, it doesn't have to be together if you are really winding each other up so much. Tell dp you know he is tired and stressed and that you will take ds out for a walk or something, and maybe when you get back you could go and have tea somewhere or whatever you like doing together?

LIZS · 06/08/2006 14:16

It doesn't have to be anything elaborate , your baby is only 3 months old after all. tbh a trip in the pushchair around the block or to the park is as good as any more planned day out ! Get out , have some fresh air and try to relax and find something else to talk about.

pinkandsparkly · 06/08/2006 17:51

Is it me or is this thread going round and round in cirlcles?

Bouncybabe, the more I read of your posts, the more I recognise the signs of anxiety and depression. I have been there, taken the tablets and come out the other side.

I agree that you need to get some perspective here, reading some of the other threads on relationships should help you to see that there are plenty of other people who are going through some very serious, life changing times.

However if you are suffering from depression it is like the real world doesn't quite register and you cannot escape the endless spiral your thoughts take you down, no matter how much you want to, or how absurd you suspect you may be behaving.

I really urge to go and have a chat with your gp and take your dh with you. Your emotional state does not give your dh a reason to rant and rave at you and he needs to realise that you having pnd-if you do have it- does not automaticly make everything your fault. You both have 'issues' (hate that word) that need resolving and once you are feeling more emotionally balanced you can then begin, together, to address what is really going on in your relationship.

There is fantastic support here on mn, wish I'd known about it when I was poorly. But the power to make that first step lies solely with you!

Take care, p&s

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 17:55

pink& sparkly - it's interesting that you say you can see the signs of anxiety and depression. i don't feel depressed (have done in the past so know what it's like) but i don't get very anxious which means i can't let go of anything and then keep going on and on at dh, until he explodes and then i get even more anxious - vicious circle. You really think ADs (citalopram) will help with this?

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bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 17:59

it's actually sort of reassuring that you're all starting to get annoyed with me - not that i want to annoy you! But this is what i'm like with dh alot, only often alot worse because he can't get away from me - he can't switch off the screen and i'll disappear! Maybe it's not surprising that he rants eventually. he's bathing ds at the moment - love hearing them together - he's so gentle with him, wish he was with me

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thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 18:30

I know I was a bit harsh earlier and i apologise.

thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 18:31

My DH used to say the same thing about me ,ie that I followed him and kept going on and on .I have learned to stop doing this so maybe you can too .

thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 18:32

ps I would show him this thread .just so he knows where you are coming from . But not tonight . Do you hear me .NOT TONIGHT

pinkandsparkly · 06/08/2006 18:34

I can't recommend strongly enough that you go to your gp for a chat. He or she needs to know where you're at at the moment and only they can truly diagnose depression. (although they don't perscribe ADs for no reason)

People seem to experience depression in many differnt ways. I started off being a total ball of anxiety all the time, I lost all ability to rationalize ANYTHING and needed constant reassurance when making any kind of descision. I couldn't see what was wrong with me at all, I just thought I was going mad. The tablets really did help me, even though I was very reluctant to take them. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and the drugs help to rebalance you.

Hope this helps a bit in understanding how ADs work, this is only my interpretation though, I'm no doctor.