Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't believe this - so upset

184 replies

bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:38

just got home to find ds asleep in living room with back door wide open. dh upstairs - would never have known if someone had crept in or even if a cat had got in. can't believe he could be so careless and stupid - feel like exploding - i'm so upset and angry. Am i overreacting

OP posts:
jofeb04 · 06/08/2006 11:37

also, do you tell your dh about how you feel, and i mean really sitting down and explaining it.
I never did that with my dh, just said i dont feel right, but never went into detail (i did not think it was depression at that point).
But, i assumed my dh would know how i feel, which obv he never.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:37

i think you might be right but he doesn't think he has a problem - he thinks the problem is me winding him up and that if i behaved differently he shouldn't get so angry

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 11:38

bb no I don't think blaming yourself for his behaviour is the right way to think about it, nor that you should have to take ADs to stop annoying him. Your post about having to take time off work with stress before you had the baby has changed my view on this a little - it sounds like your dh can be a bit of a bully, perhaps, and taps into your anxieties by blaming you for things?

I think if this has been a pattern in the past, before your ds was born, then you both have a bit of work to do. If all this anxiety and criticising on your part, and aggression and defensiveness on his part, was a new, baby related thing, then I would say chill and wait for it to pass. However if things have always been like this, I would seek help, for both of you, to change the patterns and find other ways of relieving your feelings without taking it out on one another.

I think ADs could help with the anxiety - not for your husband's sake but for your sake and the sake of your ds. Did you tell the gp about the anxiety? Not all ADs are designed to treat anxiety as well as depression.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:38

i have explained to dh may times how i feel and the effect of his behaviour on me and i mean explained properly, not just mid argument! But it never makes any difference

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:44

frannyand zoey - you're right it's been going on for ages. We ahve been to relate twic and other counsellors and for a while it gets better but then goes back to how it was. I just don't know what to do about these AD's now - i don't want to take them but if it means it will help me change my behaviour to dh and then the souting will stop, i could give it a go. But just wich it didn't have to come to that

OP posts:
thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 11:53

I read some of this thread and I would like to say that you say say a sentance to him :we ended up having a fairly good evening, dinner in the garden and a few glasses of wine. the i told dh that a few people on here thought what he' done was wrong and i was still v upset with it. and :Then about half hour later i went up and found he was asleep, he also not fed ds. like he nornally does for the late feed as he was asleep. i was v angry and kept telling him - he got vv angry and in the end told me to fuck off and was really screaming at me and tole me to fuck off again 3 times : I am not being horrible (honest ) but you do seem to say something that is nice and then follow it with a sentence where you seem to want to get your point across . These sentances seem to wind him up .So this invalidates your apology in the first place . I do this myself and it dosnt do me any favours at all .I try really hard not to do it but I think its habbit now . I just wanted to point this out . Hope it helps .

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:56

just been to see him, he's playing with ds. i said we neded to talk about things when ds had his next sleep - he said there's nothing to talk about. he seems to think his behaviour was justified because i woke him up and had a go at him for going to sleep when he know i was upset about what had happened earlier in the day. we had a planned a day ut today but that's obviuosly not going to happen now. he raised his voice (not screamed, but talked agressively) while holding ds this morning

OP posts:
thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 11:59

But you woke him up when he was asleep .

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:00

ds been crying for about 10 minutes with h trying to cheer him up. ds hasn't cried much the last few days and am now wondering if he senses what is going on and it's upsetting him?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 06/08/2006 12:00

Personally, I am never ever going to be reasonable with anyone who wakes me up, unless it's because of a fire or something.

And I'm sure I would have been ten times worse than normal, in the months after having a baby, when sleep is like gold dust.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:03

i know i shouldn't have woken him up to have ago at him but just hate how he was screaming and swearing right outside ds's door - even when i told him ds could hear and he upset, he wouldn't stop, just carried on screaming

OP posts:
thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 12:04

You have to change tack here if you want to get your point across. My friend used to moan that her husband used to spend all his time in his office upstairs . I said why would he come out of the office to face a miserable shouting grumpy wife . Why would your Dh want to be woken up to face a wife that wants to continue an argument with him . Somethings are better left untill morning . I have done this myself following him around the house arguing with him . It dosnt work because he is not listining .He has switched of by now .

looneytune · 06/08/2006 12:04

Maybe he's saying there's nothing to talk about because he thinks you're going to have a go at him again? (not having a go btw, just wondered if this could be why he said that?!) Maybe say I'd like to apologise for last night and talk it through with you when ds is asleep? Could that work?

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:05

so should i not be so upset by his ranting? don't mind if you say i deserved it

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 06/08/2006 12:07

No, I don't think his ranting is a good thing, goodness knows.

It just sounds like the two of you are stuck in a loop, you pick at things, he shouts.

What happens if you don't pick, what happens if you get a bit angry, instead?

Not necessarily shouting, but not picking at lots of tiny things, and not saying "i'm sorry I did x, but it was because you did y" (and yeah, as others have said, that's an insufferable thing to do, and yeah, I've done it too).

thechildsslave · 06/08/2006 12:08

But if you apologise dont say anything else to try and get your point across. Save that for another time . I think you shoul read :men are from mars and women are from venus : This seriously opened my eyes to the way men might think .

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:12

oh yes read that book a few times, so has he. He's looking after ds but ignoring me now

OP posts:
edam · 06/08/2006 12:13

BB, I can't really tell from your posts whether your husband is an aggressive bully who needs sorting out, or whether you are over-anxious and possibly depressed. What do YOU think? Do you often feel you have to tiptoe round him to avoid provoking him? And did this happen pre-baby, or just since baby was born? Maybe you are both knackered and unreasonable through lack of sleep and pressures of new parenthood. Maybe there is something wrong here. I'm afraid you are going to have to work that out - could you ask your GP for counselling on your own ie not with h?

Why did you get the prescription for anti-ds in the first place - presumably the doctor thinks you are depressed? Maybe if you take them, it will help to clear your head so you can work out if your h is a bully or not.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:14

just really don't know what to do - if i apologise he will think what he's done is ok and will want to carry on as if nothing happened. if i don't apologise, the rest of the day will be crap and probably the next few days. he's making not effort to make up with me

OP posts:
edam · 06/08/2006 12:15

Btw, I'd be furious if dh actually woke me up to carry on an argument, that really is unreasonable.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:15

no certainly don't have to tiptoe ound him to avoid provoking him. When i'ver got something to say, i usually say it and often keep going on about it - this winds him up and somethimes he loses his temper.

OP posts:
Kathlean · 06/08/2006 12:16

Please don't take offense

You seem to completely ignoring all the good advise about how he is feeling pissed off from being nagged, woken up to be had another go at, how you have been going on and on and on and how you have been unreasonable.

Give the guy a break. He is only as human as you. He can promise you the moon, but that doesn't mean he can give you it. If you continue to push and push of course he is going to explode you did too. It may not be great but his shouting and swearing are completely understandable (how do you think you baby seeing one parent hit another in a year or two would be?)

Back off. Tell they guy you love him (if you still do) and give him a hug.

Your doctor gave you AD's for a reason not just for the fun of it. They are not going to work in the bottle. If you have an adverse reaction to them get them changed for a different sort.

Nag over (-:

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 12:18

thanks kathlean, i'll go downstairs to apologise now.

OP posts:
looneytune · 06/08/2006 12:20

Good luck, think you're deffo doing the right thing in apologising!

LemonTart · 06/08/2006 12:30

Just seen this and totally agree with kathleen et al. Good luck apologising, hope you both sort it out and get back to normal. The Sooner it is done, the longer you will both have to enjoy your weekend together xx