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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't believe this - so upset

184 replies

bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:38

just got home to find ds asleep in living room with back door wide open. dh upstairs - would never have known if someone had crept in or even if a cat had got in. can't believe he could be so careless and stupid - feel like exploding - i'm so upset and angry. Am i overreacting

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Spagblog · 06/08/2006 10:25

IMO children and babies shouldn't have to hear shouting, swearing and arguing. It could give them insecurities...BUT...One episode whilst the baby is asleep is not worth a marriage.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 10:28

if only it was only one episode - it's happened lots of times already and ds is only 3 months old. h always says he'll try not shout the next time something goes wrong but nearly always does and then often balmes me for making him lose his temper

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Bibliophile · 06/08/2006 10:38

I can't possibly tell if you are depressed or just tired and stressed. Have you been diagnosed with PND?
Can you suggest you do something really nice today together - a walk to get the baby off to sleep and lunch out together and no raking over past hurts?
YOu do need at some point (not over the lunch!!)to talk about the shouting as it is so upsetting for you, but maybe more in the 'I will make a real effort to do/stop doing X (whatever you do that upsets your dh most), and it would mean a huge amount to me if when we disagree you could try not to shout and swear at me.' And really, I wouldn't worry about the baby and the shouting. If he was shouting at the baby then I'd worry.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 10:41

thanks but i've lost count of the number of times we've tried to do something nice together and agree how we'll try to stop doing things wihich upset eachother. we've been over theshouting and swearing, god knows how many times and he always says he'll try not to, but rearely succeeds. just at a loss as to what to do

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FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 10:51

I would have responded in the same way as you when my ds was tiny, but now I can see it is the post baby madness. I do think fathers should be kind about our insanity - eg not leave the baby near an open door when we have explained it makes us have heart failure - but I don't think we can expect them to realise in advance what is going to set us off - they truly have not got the same hormonal maelstrom and that fierce protective urge.

About the shouting - I think he is tired, emotional, trying to adjust to all the upheaval and responsibility of being a new father, and feeling attacked by you when he needs reassurance that he is being a good provider for you and the baby. I am not trying to take sides, just pointing out what men want at this stage. Dp and I had similar rows when ds was small (well if truth be told we still do sometimes, but I remember very clearly how intense it all felt then). It is not worth losing the father of your child over a bit of swearing and lost tempers. Nor over a possible misjudgement about safety (I personally can't see the prob with leaving the baby downstairs, but I was not there, and it is your baby not mine).

Do try to make it up to him - tell him you appreciate all that he does for you, what a great dad he is etc. Ask him to be extra kind to you right now as you are so vulnerable. Remind him it upsets you when he shouts and swears. However I think shouting and swearing is actually quite a good way to deal with anger - better than fists - so you may want to reconsider this one!

I don't know whether you are depressed or not - you sound just like me when I was a new mother - and I certainly wasn't depressed, just madly, insanely in love with my new baby. However if you think ADs will help then try them - no point not taking medication if it would help you. However these early months are never going to be a breeze, with or without ADs. Try to pull together and remember you are in this for the long haul. When your ds is 20 you won't care whether he was left downstairs with the door open for half an hour, but you will care that he had his father around for him and for you while he was growing into a young man.

FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 10:52

Sorry, such a long post

I really feel for you.

Bibliophile · 06/08/2006 10:53

You say you can't let things go..what sort of things?
I'm really sorry to say this but if I'd been looking after the baby and we were all safe and sound and my dh came in and started ranting at me about how I look after the kids, I would be incredibly upset. I am certain I have done 'worse' than what you describe your dh doing and if he hit me and endlessly told me off about it I'd walk out!!
I do understand you are upset, but thought you might want another perspective. Is he really such a terrible father?

Bibliophile · 06/08/2006 10:55

Agree with last post too.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:01

no in most ways he's a very good father and in some ways a good husband. But the bad bits are overshadowing the good bits quite regularly and if there's anything i can do which might mae things better i'm prepard to do it - even taking AD's

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Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:08

doesn't seem he's prepared to do anything to help other than saying "i'll try not to shout/swear" which is now meaningless as however hard he might try, he rarely succeeds. This is despite him knowing how much it upsets me and that i have been frightened of it and it has caused me an enoromous amount of stress. A couple of years ago when we were arguing all the time and he kept screaming at me i ended up having to take a few days off work as i was so stressed and couldn't sleep or funtion properly. no amount of talking seems to make any difference

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Quootiepie · 06/08/2006 11:08

????????????????????? this thread is mind boggling. Id give the DH a kick up the arse and tell him to be more responsable. And if HES the one doing the shouting and swearing... IMO he needs to grow up.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:10

so maybe if i take the AD's and they possibly make me more rational, i won't get so upset about things he does and them he won't scream at me. Sometimes he does deal with my anxiety quite well but i think sometimes i must push him too far. am i being stupid for thinking the AD's will help

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Quootiepie · 06/08/2006 11:10

Taking ADs isnt going to stop him playing games and leaving your baby downstairs and swearing and shouting. Maybe ive missed something?

LIZS · 06/08/2006 11:11

Agree with Franny. Hopefully the ad's will help you get a better perspective on this. I remember falling asleep on the sofa with ds in his carry cot nearby and patio doors open. Not sure that is any less a "crime" and I would have felt devastated had dh criticised me for it.

Unfortunately, just by the nature of things, you are likely to have similar conflicts of views as your child gets older so you would be better reaching a truce now or this will just escalalate. Men have differing perceptions of "risk" to women and experiencing that balance can be important for a child's development.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:12

he only shouts/swears when i've make him very wound up so maybe if i take the AD's, they may help me get a sense of perspective and them i won't wind him up so much

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NotQuiteCockney · 06/08/2006 11:13

Hmm, the first few months after you have your first baby are difficult.

Lots of people on here (including me) think that what your DH did wasn't that unreasonable. Heck, I've often left a baby in the front garden, in a pram, asleep, while staying in the house. Ok, almost nobody goes by our front garden, but still. (And we have cats!)

I don't think it's good for your husband to be shouting and swearing. But I think it's much worse for you to be hitting him, frankly. And waking people up to argue with them is very much not on, by my lights.

I think ADs might be a good idea to help you let go of fights a bit and cool down. And maybe relate, in the long run, too?

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:15

NQC - do you thin that AD's would help me let go of things more easlily? Just so unsure about what these AD's will do to me?

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NotQuiteCockney · 06/08/2006 11:21

I've not taken ADs. But I am currently depressed (ok, mourning) and I find that things that would normally just bug me a little bit, bug me a lot. I fret over things, and I get worked up over things, that are really not actually worth it.

If ADs reduce that for you, then they are probably worth taking. When were you prescribed them?

Nearly everyone finds their DH/DP very very annoying and irritating after they have a baby, btw, there are loads of threads about this in Relationships. Everyone is tired, everyone is worn out, everyone is stressed.

jofeb04 · 06/08/2006 11:21

I think that the ad's will help your anxiety (I take ad's, and like you, i didnt really want to). BUT, they do help.

And, i second NotQuiteCocky,that punching your ds is a deffinate no.

jofeb04 · 06/08/2006 11:23

OPPSSSSSSSSSS, meant your dh, NOT your ds

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:23

i didn't punch ds - it was h

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Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:25

jofeb04 - out of interest which AD's do you take - i have been prescribed citalopram

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jofeb04 · 06/08/2006 11:28

im on the same as you (well, if you take them!).
And, I've had no side effects at all with them.
Before i was on the ad, things my dh said that i would normally laugh about, i would hate, and quite often it ended up in arguments.
The ad's have seemed to help me relax a bit more, and helping in general.
BUT, if you take them, do not miss a tablet, as i have missed a few this week cause ive ran out of them, cant get to a doctors until next week, and the depression is really noticeable.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 11:32

jofeb04 - how long did it take before you noticed any difference? The reason that i think i'm unsure about taking them is that i don't actually feel depressed, it's more a case of being anxiuos and getting overwhelmed with things and expecting h to be understanding and help me with how i feel - which clearly he can't. i suppose i feel i shouldn't have to take a pill to help him stop shouting?

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jofeb04 · 06/08/2006 11:35

It took about 4weeks before i noticed a large difference. You dh may need some sort of therapy for his behaviour, but your tablets may help you to relax a bit more about things he does.

But remember, the first months of a babys' life is the hardest, your both tied, stressed etc.