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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

can't believe this - so upset

184 replies

bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:38

just got home to find ds asleep in living room with back door wide open. dh upstairs - would never have known if someone had crept in or even if a cat had got in. can't believe he could be so careless and stupid - feel like exploding - i'm so upset and angry. Am i overreacting

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 23:55

in the spare bedroom - what do i do now

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 05/08/2006 23:56

You might have PND. See a doctor. I recognise myself in you a few years back.....

Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 23:56

hate that he was so out of control he carried on screaming next to ds's room - its happened a few times before already but he's said he's try to stop

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Original poster
bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 23:57

why do you think I have pnd - hes' the one doing alll the shouting and aggression?

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LaDiDaDi · 06/08/2006 00:01

You need to got to your dh ans say that you are sorry that you both got so upset and angry and that you wish you hadn't thrown your wedding ring at him or hit him. This is saying that you regret the situation that you both ended up in screaming etc. You need to hug each other and talk about how lovely your ds is, how precious he is to you both and how his needs are most important. Then try to get some sleep. Now is not the time to escalate the arguement, you may both feel very differently in the morning.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:03

i know it sounds chlldish and maybe i should make the first move but here's no way i would have hit him or thrown the ring at him if he hadn't screamed and sworn at me first

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bosscat · 06/08/2006 00:04

I agree. 3 months after having a baby, you are both still in shock and adjusting. You need to work as a team. Now is not the time to be having screaming rows. Go and make up.

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:05

ok, i'm going to try now - hope i don't get shouted at again........

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handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:05

Please don't get defensive - am trying to help - genuinely.

I think your reaction to his initial 'crime' was disproportionate. No, I wouldn't have been happy either but I think you went overboard.

Also believe that deep down he feels uncomfortable with having made an error of judgement and your criticisms of him are lighting the blue touch paper ...(can you honestly say you were gentle and diplomatic in your reproaches or did you go for the jugular?)

I just remember similar scenarios in my household when my first baby was a the same sort of age. I thought my husband was a complete fuckwit.....but actually I had a bit of a skewed perspective; just didn't realise it then. A few weeks later on was on ADs, and again for my second child.

handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:06

Ooops sorry - you hate swearing

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:12

well that didnt go well. i went to apologise for going on baout it but then said didn't think i deserved to be told to f off, etc. he then started saying how much i'd annoyed him and he ended up shouting - again. i reminded him about ds being next door but he just carried ranting so told him he has no control off himself as he doesn't care about ds hearing and he said i was "violent in a different way" to him - he describe me as a dagger picking away

OP posts:
Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:13

how did AD's help?

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Tortington · 06/08/2006 00:18

let it go for this evening ffs! let the man get sme sleep - you cant keep going an d waking him up to apologise or carry on an argument - i would be furios

and another thing - you cant say " i am sorry but ......you should be sorry becuase you were wrong"

thats not an apoliogy

i 'm not saying your right or wrong but it sounds to me like you HAVE to be right - if it all settled down why bring it up again? having a nie tea.....just thought i'd mention i told the whole world wide web about you an they think your a twat......."

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:19

you still there handlemecarefully? or anyone - feeling so desperate just wish i could get away from him

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Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:21

i know you're right consideratecustardo, but i suppose it hurts more as he has agreed not to swear, and to keep screaming so loudly outside ds's room really bothers me

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Tortington · 06/08/2006 00:26

considered not considerate

i think your making an issue out of nothing personally. swearing isn't worth a marriage is it? i mean is it really that important to you that a relationship would ail over it? that your child would grown up without a parent for it?

no its not that important - i think maybe - and this is a tad cruel - you need to get some deeper problems. seriously get over yerself a bit - i mean it kindly - but really - go do some voluntary work and count your blessings. i know its all relative but the first OP was a mistake - and accident - stupid - yes - eliberate - erm no.

so the man swears a bit - jesus if somone klept on and on and on at me i think i wouldd n all

handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:27

Bouncybabe - I shall be heading off to bed soon, but how did ADs help? I found that I was getting things in perspective again, felt more relaxed, able to cope, had more patience.

Sort of didn't actually realise I was depressed until I took ADs on reflected on my former myself and previous behaviour - if that makes sense?

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:27

i just don't know what to do, i'm feeling so desperate. he's downstairs now - doesn't anyone else think it's wrong for him to be screaming and swaering outside ds's room

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handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:27

and reflected on my former self....

handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:28

Yes it is wrong for him to be screaming and swearing - but he is human.....Unless he does this habitually...?

handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:30

"he describe me as a dagger picking away"

  • so does he have a point? or is he way out of line?
Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:30

it's been every few weeks since ds was born when he's been v angry -

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notasheep · 06/08/2006 00:31

try and get some sleep and have a senesible talk about looking after baby and being responsible tomorrow.
Men do not like to think they are wrong or not in control

Original poster
bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:31

maybe he does have a point - i just don't seem to be able to put hings in perspective and find it v hard to let things go - would ad's help. i have a prescription for citalopram but have put off taking it as trying to do without ADs

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handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:33

Really must go to bed because of camping for a couple of nights from tomorrow so sleep will be at a premium...

But - a newborn baby, particularly a first born is one huge massive monumental shock for some couples and it can cause an almighty seismic shock in a relationship (from one who has been there)..

Just try to care for one another (sorry sounds twee). Your dh was centre of your life until baby came along - men - poor lesser evolved species, don't always cope well with being marginalised....