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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

can't believe this - so upset

184 replies

bouncybabe · 05/08/2006 17:38

just got home to find ds asleep in living room with back door wide open. dh upstairs - would never have known if someone had crept in or even if a cat had got in. can't believe he could be so careless and stupid - feel like exploding - i'm so upset and angry. Am i overreacting

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Greensleeves · 06/08/2006 00:35

I don't think it is OK for him to be screaming and swearing at you outside your child's room. I sort of see the argument put forward by custy, hmc et al, that if you are nagging him and waking him up he might justifiably be annoyed... but it sounds to me as though you are not happy with that explanation, and you are trying to say that you are actually intimidated by him/his temper. That's not on IMO.

And if my dh had left either of our babies near an open door out of adult sight, I would have had his guts for garters.

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:35

thanks - just quickly , how do you think ADs would help

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handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:35

Re your post of 12.31

YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

They WOULD help. Please take them (sorry to be evangelical about this, but they really helped me when I needed them)

See your doctor again to discuss if you are unsure. Take care...

Sorry have to go now...but do something.

handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:36

They help by restoring your rationality and sense of proportion (which you tend to loose when depressed)

Greensleeves · 06/08/2006 00:37

Take the AD's. At least until the baby is a bit older and things feel normal again. There is no award for "managing" without AD's or any other help you need - just use them if you think they might help. There is no virtue in suffering

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:37

thnaks greensleeves. I do hate his temper but i guess i can't be that scared if i hit him. just feel desperate - it seemed to be getting better for the last couple of weeks but can't believe he screamed/swaore like that outside ds's room again. what happened earlier was bad enough

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handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:38

Absolutely - and don't worry about being dependent upon them either. I found it easy to stop taking them after a few months...

Greensleeves · 06/08/2006 00:38

I am on AD's, if it helps you to know . Lots of people are, especially young mums. It's not unusual and it's not something to be worried or ashamed about. xx

handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:39

Lol, it's almost odd not to be on them!

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:39

i know i can be irrational but just feels a bit wrong for me to take pills to try to stop h ranting at me, etc

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handlemecarefully · 06/08/2006 00:42

C'mon now - I'd rant at my dh if he was irrational with me....

Most people would rant if they felt beleaguered...

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 00:44

i guess so. I supposed i feel like i've failed at making an effort if i took the AD's - am also scared on the weight gain they can cause. took seroxat years ag and ut on about 2 stone. anyone know if citalopram causes weight gain too

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colditz · 06/08/2006 00:51

BB.

The man made a mistake. You need to drop this now, for the sake of your own sanity. He is probably not getting a lot of sleep, i shouldn't think you are either. I have a 15 week old myself, so can completely empathise, but also have you considered this?

You get to rest in the day while your husband is at work and your baby is asleep. he will be knackered when he gets home, it is maybe not entirely fair to expect him to do the last feed if he is asleep and you are awake. Then you are both awake and miserable.

colditz · 06/08/2006 00:52

prozac has not caused me any weight gain at all, BTW

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 02:17

can't stop thinking about his screaming and ranting amd swearing outside ds room. have tried to sleep but can't, he is fast asleep in spare rooom

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bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 02:22

keep worrying now that ds will have nightmares about h's ranting

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pussyinboots · 06/08/2006 02:33

bb children are extremely resilient your ds will not remeber what happened and he will be fine, children often take their cues from their mother and how she feels at this age so please try to be happy and positive no matter how you feel..you two are both stressed and need to calm down...your dh didn't mean to upset you I'm sure and dwelling on this will not help...I know it's hard but try to relax get some sleep and start again in the morning ok....take carexx

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 02:39

keep wondering whether to take the AD's as if if more rational then h wont rant & swear at me

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bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 02:40

"if I am more rational.........

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pussyinboots · 06/08/2006 02:49

If taking the AD's will make you as your ds's mother feel better and more rational then it's worth it darling...I know exactly how you feel my dh told me that at times I was irrational during and after my pregnancy...many women take ADs for a short time after birth and thank god they exist imagine what the mothers before us must have been through...please consider this... being calm and rational will help your relationship with your dh which is also essential to you and your ds's well being..please try to sleep on it. xxx

glassofwine · 06/08/2006 09:20

BB - how are you this morning? Have read this thread this morning and you remind me so much of me when I had first babe. My DH who is a great husband and dad has also been known to go into a complete rage, it doesn't happen often in fact less and less now, but when it does it is seriously horrible. I think its partly because he's normally so laid back that to see him irrational and raging is such a shock.

Without a doubt the arrival of a baby is a big upheaval to both of you, the impact on your lives will be different for each of you. While you are sleep deprived and still full of hormones it is hard to see that its difficult for him too - everyone is supposed to support the mother, but fathers have a hard time too.

i know you feel your are being protective and only looking out for your baby, but first time mums do tend to be over the top and I was one of the worst - trust me. It's only when you have more children that you wonder why you made such a fuss and I know that I was told this and just thought the person didn't care as much, but it is true.

The 'crimes' your DH committed were a. leaving the baby asleep with the back door wide open and b. shouting and screaming within earshot of the baby. Honestly neither of these are that bad - obviously not ideal, but not as heinous and you feel they are.

i have no experience of AD's, but I wish I had taken them when DD2 was born as I think I had some form of pnd. However If I were you I would talk to DH about how you feel without opportioning any blame use statements like 'I feel' not 'you do'. it doesn't hurt to tell hi that you suspect you may be overreacting, but nonetheless it feels very real to you. i know you feel that he did the shouting, so why should you do the making up, but you need to give him an out. I but you he'll appologise if you meet him half way and not paint him as the evil enemy.

You need to work together as much as possible overr the next few months and years and that means seeing each others point of view. DH and I have evolved over the years nad having three children very close together, we agreed not to ever do competative hard life stories, never to use phrases like 'you never' and to talk when we began to feel resentful. We are one of those vomit making happy couples, but sometimes he still errupts and it makes me feel like crap, so I do know how you feel and promise I'm not getting at you. Good luck.

Bibliophile · 06/08/2006 09:38

In the summer I have always left the doors to the garden open, and I certainly wouldn't move a sleeping baby from the living room if I went upstairs to do something. They don't spontaneously combust if you can't see them
At three months this baby is immobile. The risk is leaving a mobile baby, not an immobile one. It is absolutely your right to decide not leave the baby in a room by himself, and equally you do have the right to say that it makes you feel so nervous that please would your dh shut the door if he is upstairs, but I am absolutely genuinely astonished that anyone would consider this dangerous. I think MN is not representative of most people's opinion, surely?
I tend to agree that waking someone up to have another go is likely to make them want to swear at you, I'm afraid. Of course in an ideal world he wouldn't swear at you and I can see it was very upsetting for you, but relationships go through huge shifts when babies are born. YOu both have a big adjustment to make. Tiredness and emotional upheavals make tempers fray on both sides.
And don't worry about the baby having nightmares!! That really is the hormones talking

Spagblog · 06/08/2006 10:09

Poor you, it is hard enough with a new baby without marital problems.
I would suggest the telling your DH that you had been talking about him on here was probably a mistake.
I hope this morning brings resolution and lots of making up!

Elf1981 · 06/08/2006 10:16

Please take you AD's.
Lots of people have expressed how their lives have gotten better when they took their AD's but nobody has spoken from the other point of view.
My life got a hell of a lot better when my dad started taking AD's.

Having a baby is a difficult time (my dd is 10 months old). Yes, your OH will do things that you would never ever consider, but it doesn't make them a bad parent. And I think once you take your AD's and your hormones settle a bit, everything will be put into perspective.

Explain rationally to your DH how you are feeling, do not go over old ground, explain you were unresonable (waking him up etc etc) and explain calmly that you get upset when he swears at you.

Talk to him about the ADs and get his opinion

Hope things get better soon.

bouncybabe · 06/08/2006 10:19

h is still in spare room with ds asleep next to him, neither of us have said a word to eachother yet this morning - an't risk it at the moment as ds gets really upset if morning sleep is disturbed. took an AD this mornng. wishing so much it hadn't all gone wrong again. is the ranting and swearing when baby could hear really not that bad - it's seems awful to me . feel so terrible

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