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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He stole from me

195 replies

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:08

Regular user, name changed.

It isn't a huge amount, about £70 I think, I have a change pot where I put left over coins at end of most days. At last count there was about £150 in pound coins, I dipped in to it myself a couple of times, taking approx. £10 each time. Today, while he's at work I counted £50 in £1's. Nothing more. So I say about £70 to account for me taking more than I realised, but I don't think I did.
I am not the kind of person to keep quiet about this. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe in totally honesty and trust in a relationship yet I cant say anything.
DP has had financial difficulties. I helped him out. He will be paying me back next friday when he gets paid. The day after, we go on holiday with DCs for a week. I have to keep quiet until we get back, no idea how. Please help me decide objectively what to do.
So not to drip feed, I was single a long time before DP and found it hard and lonely, and had depression and my parenting suffered because of it. Too much shouting etc.
Now my DC seem much happier, despite hearing me and DP row occassionally.
DC are 5 & 8.
What do I do?

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 08/02/2014 11:11

Dump the thief. He stole from you.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:14

Just like that? sounds so easy.

OP posts:
TeenyW123 · 08/02/2014 11:15

Are you sure it's DP?

Can the kids reach the pot?

clam · 08/02/2014 11:17

Bit more background required, I think. For a start, do you live together? Share any finances? Has he ever dumped any changed in this pot, meaning he might view it as communal?

Dh and I have such a pot in his man-drawer. The whole family dip into it for car-park coins, emergency lunch money and so forth. It's not an issue. But then our set-up is probably different.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:17

Kids can reach it but both DC are too honest for their own good. I'd know and they wouldn't know just to take the £1's and not the smaller coins.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 11:19

Firstly, are you absolutely SURE? Do you live together? We have a money box, theres probably £150 in it, we both take it if we need change, dinner money etc. Could you have took out more than you have thought?

You absolutely do NOT have to keep quiet until you get back - that would be a huge mistake - the resentment will fester, it will be shit. No, you call him on it, today - ask him if he has taken money from the pot - his reaction to this dictates where you go next.

What do you row over - me and my DP row a bit, we went through a bad patch but we worked through it, we had been together about 16 years at that time, 22 years now. Had we been having rows at the start of our relationship then we would have walked away.

I konw you say you are happier now - but a relationship at any cost will be worse than no relationship - don't sell yourself short.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:21

We live together. Have been for 6 months now. Have separate finances due to DP being useless with money. He was unemployed for a while so I paid for everything. Finally got a job and now contributing. Though I keep a tight rein on everything due to bailing him out too many times already.
He tells stupid lies.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 11:23

You say the kids are too honest for their own good - but would they see it as dishonest if it is a sort of dip-in pot? Would they realise it was a no-go area? My eldest DD would have, and i am sure has, dipped into the savings pot for a couple of ££s here and there, it was never not allowed - i never take the smaller coins myself, just the pounds.

You need to have a conversation with him.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:23

Ok I will casually ask him today and see what he says but I am not going to press the matter until he has repaid me on friday and the DC enjoy their holiday and I have decided what to do.

OP posts:
EmmyLH · 08/02/2014 11:23

Hey OP. I really feel for you and know how disappointed and hurt you must be feeling. Just wondering whether it's wise to not mention it for a while or whether you should just get it out in the open now? I wonder why he didn't just ask you? Is it completely out of character (i.e he's really desperate) or is there a niggling sense he's capable of deception and dishonesty?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:25

DC are too young to buy their own stuff and I know they wouldn't. I don't trust DP. I am trying so hard to work at that and now this.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 11:25

Maybe he sees the pot as a family pot then - i don't think it constitutes theft really. Had he taken from your purse that would be different too - although there is a pot of "big" money on the side of our house - theres about £500 in there - if i need money, i take it - mostly i remember to tell dp, im a SAHM.

"he tells stupid lies" MASSIVE red flag though

AlfAlf · 08/02/2014 11:26

The change thing alone could be innocent enough: he might not have realised it was 'yours' only and though it was just handy change for the odd pint of milk etcetera. He might have vaguely planned to replace change later.. However, the full picture of him I'm getting is not a good one. He sounds like a user.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:27

more a niggling sense that he has no concept of hurting me and thinks its acceptable to tell 'white lies' and take it.
I don't know whether he took it in one go or dipped in over past couple of months.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 08/02/2014 11:35

He may have just assumed it was there as a sort of "petty cash" box for general expenses (although if you're the only one putting into it it seems a tad mean for him to use it) but you claim you don't trust him and he has no concept of hurting you...
Forgt about the small change and see the actual problem, will you?
Get rid.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:38

He has nice qualities too

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 08/02/2014 11:48

A pint of milk isn't £70 is it

Don't put up with this crap just to be with someone

LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 11:49

You don't trust him - that is all you need to know, don't waste your life and your childrens lives with this man - i think this holiday needs to be his swan song :(

Santaclaws · 08/02/2014 11:53

End it. Don't do what I did and allow someone to take more and more in all sorts of ways eventually. You don't trust him for a reason, listen to your gut, I wish I had. You sound very much like I was, I could've written a post very much like yours.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 12:00

He's back. Still not spoke to him. He's in shower. A little nervous of what his response will be.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 08/02/2014 12:03

What's worrying here is a) dishonesty and b) lack of conscience. You feel he has no concept of hurting you and thinks it's ok to tell lies.

Your instincts are telling you not to trust him.

Santaclaws · 08/02/2014 12:04

Yes I was always nervous to confront issues as well. When I did he would turn it round on me and make me feel like the worst person in the world for hurting his feelings yet it didn't seem to matter the turmoil I was in. He could really mess up my thoughts and I didn't know if I was coming or going

I think you will have to mention it and see what his response is

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 12:08

He will deny it unless pressed. He's very child like in that respect. His first instinct is to lie unless pressed like a child.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 12:10

He was abused as a child and put in to care. I always blame this for his child like hopelessness and lack of empathy. But there is only so many excuses I can keep making. I really feel for that little, scared boy and want to make his life a good one, full of love and laughter, but at what cost?

OP posts:
LovesPeace · 08/02/2014 12:10

My big fault, with my ex (we both agreed) was that I wasn't trusting enough. I had, he said, to learn to trust people more.

Of course, the real issue was that he wasn't trustworthy, and lied, lied and lied again, until eventually I left the cheating lying prostitute-using fucker. Smile

Trust yourself, and your instincts.