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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He stole from me

195 replies

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:08

Regular user, name changed.

It isn't a huge amount, about £70 I think, I have a change pot where I put left over coins at end of most days. At last count there was about £150 in pound coins, I dipped in to it myself a couple of times, taking approx. £10 each time. Today, while he's at work I counted £50 in £1's. Nothing more. So I say about £70 to account for me taking more than I realised, but I don't think I did.
I am not the kind of person to keep quiet about this. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe in totally honesty and trust in a relationship yet I cant say anything.
DP has had financial difficulties. I helped him out. He will be paying me back next friday when he gets paid. The day after, we go on holiday with DCs for a week. I have to keep quiet until we get back, no idea how. Please help me decide objectively what to do.
So not to drip feed, I was single a long time before DP and found it hard and lonely, and had depression and my parenting suffered because of it. Too much shouting etc.
Now my DC seem much happier, despite hearing me and DP row occassionally.
DC are 5 & 8.
What do I do?

OP posts:

TheXxed · 08/02/2014 17:50

Why can't you go on holiday without him, you and the kids sounds lovely.

LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 17:51

Oh God, you poor thing - to be honest, i would be worried about actually getting that money back at all judging by his reaction.

Is he usually so possesive? There are so many red flags here im surprised you can see the sky. Has he tried to cut you off from friends or family - subtlely? You are much stronger now than you were - but believe me, he will drag you back down into depression, i can tell you there is nothing (well few things) worse than financial difficulties and that is where he is taking you, you are already paying off his debts.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 17:51

He's been helpful to keep you sweet so he can cocklodge.

TheXxed · 08/02/2014 17:53

Next time he leaves the house, leave all his stuff outside change the locks.

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 17:54

Not scared of violence no, just scared it'll turn in to a blazing row and get out of my control before I know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 17:55

He's popped to the shop for desert, being helpful. Maybe genuinely remorseful and trying to make it up to me the only way he can when broke.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 17:58

Thats emotional abuse - you are worried about discussing something perfectly legitimate, you have called him on something. He continued to lie - unless you drive a 8 litre Hummer or the school is 50 miles away, the school run bill is not going to be more than £20 for a week. He took near on £100 so what happened to the rest of it?

Would he usually accuse you of having an affair because you put a bit of lip balm on to go the fecking supermarket - my cousin's DP used to do this to her, she thought it was nice that he was so "protective" of her, until he started smacking her around if she took to long at the shop/baby clinic etc, she wasn't allowed to go anywhere else!

LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 18:01

What does he mean, they treated him rubbish? i bet they just wanted a days work and the lazy fuck couldn't be doing with it, or he probably got called on something - he doesn't sound like he likes being told what to do. So he walked away from the job before he got another one? Because he knew he could cocklodge with you. What were his debts for? Why was he in debt? Christ, he has fallen right on his feet hasn't he - of course the twat is grovelling, he knows when he is onto a good thing - i bet you paid for the holiday too didn't you?

Flibbertyjibbet · 08/02/2014 18:02

He sounds just like my ex. Moved a distance to be with me. Moved into my home. Had me paying for everything. Twisting everything to my fault. Me walkingon eggshells all the time. But no one else would ever love me like he did.
Dont be a fool like me and waste 5 years on the twat. Pack his stuff change the lock and write off the money wasted SO FAR cos trust me with hi. You will be throwing good money after bad for years.
He is a manipulative, sponging abuser.

Cabrinha · 08/02/2014 18:09

Yeah, funny he had to quit because they "treated him like shit". Not his fault then.
If he wasn't a lazy arse and that was genuine, he'd have got another job before quitting.
Come on love - you know you don't want him stealing from you and scaring you. No holiday is worth that, if you can't go alone.
No matter how much he owes you, here's a fact: you will have given him MORE within 6 months. So writing off that money now would still be a saving!
If you want to wait til payday, get paid back then end it - do it.
But equally, don't be afraid to just write the money off.

DrMaybe · 08/02/2014 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nikkihollis · 08/02/2014 19:13

So sorry you are faced with this question. It sounds so like my ex. I had no idea what he was up to though until he lost his job (theft) and it came to light that he'd run up over £200,000 of debts in our joint names, opened bank accounts in my name and overdrawn on them all, stolen family money and re-mortgaged our house a few times without me knowing! I ended up homeless, responsible for half his loans and absolutely devastated.

I was beyond shocked and traumatised that someone I thought I knew, could do this to his wife and family. I wish I'd had some idea what had been going on and had some warning of what he was capable of, but he was very very skilled at evading questions, hiding paperwork etc.

Theft is abuse. It shows that he doesn't have your best interests at heart if he can steal money from you, and that basically he just cannot be trusted. Thank goodness that your DPs dishonesty has come to light, because at least you can see the big red warning light.

He was abused and was in care and that is so sad. I am sure that if you go into any jail though, you will find thousands of people who all have sad sad stories. But they still had the choice to do what they did. I've had a bloody tough life, but I've stayed on the right side of the law and I'd never steal from anyone. Abuse is a reason but it doesn't make it ok.

My ex denied everything too until he was absolutely backed into a corner and just couldn't hide stuff from me any more. And that's when he became violent. That's when I got out.

I think you seriously need to consider whether you and your DC should stay with someone who can steal from the person he's supposed to love most. And seriously consider whether you and they, might just deserve better.

TheBeautifulVisit · 08/02/2014 19:25

You say he is going to pay you back the £500 when he gets paid. So is he working then?

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 19:29

He is working now. For past 6 weeks. So first full wage

OP posts:

TheBeautifulVisit · 08/02/2014 19:31

Perhaps he doesn't see it as stealing, perhaps he was just, in his mind, borrowing the money with vague ideas that he will repay it once he's in financially better shape or perhaps he sees all money as family money and he feels part of your family. It isn't abnormal to think like that if you are in a relationship with someone. And couples help each other through the bad times.

He sounds basically a good guy, just a bit useless with money.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 19:32

A good guy? He blows up when she tries to have an adult discussion about money.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2014 19:33

You have moved a cocklodging emotional abuser into your home. With you and your kids.

Best you admit that to yourself now and take the appropriate steps to remove him

Never mind the holiday and never mind the money you have already thrown his way

These are sink costs love, and you would be best advised to write them off before you get in deeper and/or he racks up the control to get you back into your role of Cash Cow

TheBeautifulVisit · 08/02/2014 19:35

Well there you are then. He was temporarily unemployed, has not as yet had his first full month wage since he's been back in gainful employment. I think you could just say: "Look here, I would really expect you to ask first before you help yourself to my money. Please don't ever do anything like that again because it feels like you are almost stealing from me when I know you probably don't see it like that and intend to pay it back."

TheBeautifulVisit · 08/02/2014 19:36

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread. I am just going by the OP. Ignore me if he's clearly not a nice guy.

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 19:52

He is nice in other ways. Looks after the DC, does the house work. He's just useless with money. Though there has been other problems along the way, I put them down to teething troubles.

OP posts:

TheXxed · 08/02/2014 19:55

I can't watch

AnyFucker · 08/02/2014 19:56

babies have "teething troubles" not grown men

are you so desperate for a relationship you would overlook some pretty large red flags ?

expatinscotland · 08/02/2014 20:01

It amazes me what people will move into their home with kids just to have a relationship. Sad.

Quitelikely · 08/02/2014 20:04

What other teething troubles have you had with him ? This will help the bigger picture

Quitelikely · 08/02/2014 20:05

And I do understand that you would want your cash back. £500 is a lot of money.

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