He stole from me

[AtSea1979]

Regular user, name changed.

It isn't a huge amount, about £70 I think, I have a change pot where I put left over coins at end of most days. At last count there was about £150 in pound coins, I dipped in to it myself a couple of times, taking approx. £10 each time. Today, while he's at work I counted £50 in £1's. Nothing more. So I say about £70 to account for me taking more than I realised, but I don't think I did.
I am not the kind of person to keep quiet about this. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe in totally honesty and trust in a relationship yet I cant say anything.
DP has had financial difficulties. I helped him out. He will be paying me back next friday when he gets paid. The day after, we go on holiday with DCs for a week. I have to keep quiet until we get back, no idea how. Please help me decide objectively what to do.
So not to drip feed, I was single a long time before DP and found it hard and lonely, and had depression and my parenting suffered because of it. Too much shouting etc.
Now my DC seem much happier, despite hearing me and DP row occassionally.
DC are 5 & 8.
What do I do?

Let him go, love

It's for the best

You won't see any of your money though, I am afraid

Sink cost, write it off. Cheat at half the price if you get rid of this cock.

cheap

He won't talk, Mum, because he is an abusive cocklodger.

What about his side of the story?

I am not disagreeing with the poster, but surely there is 2 sides to every story? We are basing all of our opinions on one persons side of events.

What about his side? He is living in HER house, stole money from her and when confronted he bullies and intimidates her, then minimises it. That's his side.

expatinscotland: ah, i see your point, that makes all the difference

but expatinscotland, we still only have one side of it still.

I'd be interested in any side that justifies theft.

It was left there, as though he could take a bit of change when needed. It must have felt like shared property to him. It isn't great but you know he has this problem so it's like leaving drugs out for someone that can't cope with them. It is not like he took money from your purse or pretended to pay a bill and spent the money. If he is otherwise honest and that includes with money then I would stop leaving money out and give him another chance. So many on here says LTB but would they, really?

We always only have "one side" of it

If we insist on having the "other side" then support boards on Mumsnet would cease to exist

What we need to understand is that by the time people post here for help and advice they have more often than not exhausted all the other avenues of improving things by trying to talk and get the other person to be reasonable

by the time they get here, they are pretty desperate and quite close to the end of the road

that is my experience, anyway

So it's okay to say with someone who checks your phone, steals from you, intimidates you, doesn't leave YOUR home when you say it's over, gaslights you because he as a side of the story, too? No wonder so many people put up with shit excuses for relationships.

Dear god, what people will minimise to hold on to a cocklodging bully...

Yes, Rosh, they would and should. I'd never have moved this person in with my kids. He is an adult, adults should be able to exercise some self-control and talk to other adults about money without intimidating their partner so much she hides in the bathroom.

£100, just a bit of change, yep.

Sorry, I should have read this properly. LTB.

This thread is exactly the same as so many others on here.

Op posts as boyfriend being a twat.
Posters tell her boyfriend is being a twat and she needs to get rid.
OP says he is lovely is other ways.
OP says things are so bad all the time.
Posters tell her it will only get worse.
OP minimises.
OP boyfriend cries/gets angry/accuses OP. Begs for another chance
OP gives in.

Cheating men have a script. Seems abused women do too .

The taking of the money I'm a bit 'meh' over. 20 of petrol for ten school runs plus any family running about for two weeks (not a week as some have misread) is not a lot.

Initially the op said she thought 70 was missing. He admitted taking 50 - at which point she said it was more like 100. Everyone has now jumped on that figure, despite it only going up partway through the thread, even though the op had counted it at the beginning and deduced that it was 70.

70 is closer to 50 than 100. The opinions couldn't be sure if she'd taken more than she thought either, so it's not unreasonable to assume he may have done the same.

By the op's own admission he had taken on the role of sahp - doing the school run, housework etc.

I can't help but think that if ANY sahm posted on here that they did all the school runs and housework for 10 a week petrol money to take the kids to school, and when they dipped in the change pot in the house their dp called them a thief we'd all be screaming financial abuse in the other direction, talking about how the sahp role is an equal contribution and all money should be family money. Seen it a thousand times.

The op invited this person to join her family, and live with them as a family. He took on the role of sahp, doing the tasks that millions of sahps do, doing what I. DO every day - but apparently when I do it it's a valuable contribution that should entitle me to share family money, yet when a man does it he's a 'cocklodger'?!

Does that mean that all sahps are cocklodgers and thieves if they touch their dps change jar?

As for the accusations of cheating, the gas lighting and the phone checking - yes those things would earn him the door in my house.

But taking change from a jar? That wouldn't be stealing to me, because if I had a partner and moved them in it would be with everything shared. He may not have contributed financially, but then neither do the vast majority of sahp - and I doubt anyone shouting cocklodger at this man would dream of saying the same to a sahp. He may not be their parents, but that doesn't change the fact that he was doing that role.

...hopefully the addendum to the script is

OP tries again with cocklodging abusive bf but realises it is futile and realises MNers were right all along
OP dumps bf
OP becomes equally as evangelical as all those that have seen the light, no matter how long it took, and supports others in the same position

OP please stop making excuses for this waste of space of a man. He's treating you like a mug and knows you'll pay his way. And don't feel like you can't relax in YOUR home because he feels silly for being found out. He's in the wrong not you. Get rid he sounds emotionally abusive to you

I'm not making excuses I'm just giving the other side. Obviously there is a balance. He stole from me, that's bad. But as for cocklodger, I agree with coola he did everything around the house, and was SAHP for those couple of months. I obviously went mad when he quit his job but we worked through it and he pulled his finger out around the home, DIY, school run etc.
There have been rows, mainly because I found out about his debts and was cross that he buried his head in sand. They have been sorted now, he is working now, money is going to go in to my account on Friday.
He is looking at a house share at 8pm.
He as emailed me, despite being in next room. Some might see that as cowardly, I just see it as he's a bit useless with words and he knows chances are I'll start yelling and not give him chance to get it out.

Forgot to add, I haven't read it yet.
Don't want the upset and don't want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I will do it just because he's sent it.
Yes I'm petty too.

Emailed you from the next room? He is stil a child.

What do you want in a partner? You need emotional equality, someone you trust, someone who cares for and respects you, someone who makes you feel loved and makes you laugh. Not someone who lies, steals, who you are scared to have difficult conversations with and is jealous.

Raise your bar and teach your children about good relationships.

Ha I read that as raise your bra!
Yes ok I'm a child too.
You're right I do want those things and I don't trust or respect him. In fact I don't even think I love him. I'm scared of being alone, and there is so much I will miss but there is so much that was wrong.
We hardly speak anymore, ran out of things to say. Sex is dire, he makes me feel like a piece of meat, rushing it, never gentle and tender. Totally incompatible.

Then you would be a fool to stay with him.

Pick up your self respect from the floor and make him leave permanently. It can be very empowering making these decisions, not wasting time hoping it's going to get better. There are worse things than being on your own.