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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He stole from me

195 replies

AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 11:08

Regular user, name changed.

It isn't a huge amount, about £70 I think, I have a change pot where I put left over coins at end of most days. At last count there was about £150 in pound coins, I dipped in to it myself a couple of times, taking approx. £10 each time. Today, while he's at work I counted £50 in £1's. Nothing more. So I say about £70 to account for me taking more than I realised, but I don't think I did.
I am not the kind of person to keep quiet about this. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I believe in totally honesty and trust in a relationship yet I cant say anything.
DP has had financial difficulties. I helped him out. He will be paying me back next friday when he gets paid. The day after, we go on holiday with DCs for a week. I have to keep quiet until we get back, no idea how. Please help me decide objectively what to do.
So not to drip feed, I was single a long time before DP and found it hard and lonely, and had depression and my parenting suffered because of it. Too much shouting etc.
Now my DC seem much happier, despite hearing me and DP row occassionally.
DC are 5 & 8.
What do I do?

OP posts:
EmmyLH · 08/02/2014 12:12

I agree it sounds like you have other issues overall. It also sounds to me like you have made up your mind but are a little scared to start the ball rolling? Completely acceptable. On another note, if you love someone and they do things that are out of character then of course you can work through it. But you'd have to really really want to and really really be sure it's worth it. I know from experience of gambling addiction (hubby's, not mine).

Squirrelsmum · 08/02/2014 12:17

From experience... It will get worse.

EirikurNoromaour · 08/02/2014 12:20

You can't re parent a partner. His childhood wounds are for him to address, not you. He isn't the abused child anymore, and although he will have been impacted through no fault if his own, that doesn't mean you can make excuses all his life.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 12:26

I guess ultimately I wanted to give him that security. That from time to time people mess up but I won't give up on him like others did when he was a child. But the line has to be drawn, there has been so many little 'mess up's' that I've no trust, or faith that things would improve if I stuck it out.
Yet absolutely terrified of being alone again.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 12:33

But you can't make things right for him - he cannot go through life using his childhood as an excuse not to take responsibility for himself and it is Not your responsibility to take this away. Has he had counselling?

The thing is, your responsibility is to YOUR children and you do not want to go through life worrying about your DP and whether or not you can trust him. Yes its scary being on your own but you will be on your own forever, you sound like a lovely caring person with a lot going for you.

Have the talk - tell him things need to change, not just the money! I'd be cutting my losses now, but thats easier said than done, i know x

AnyFucker · 08/02/2014 12:39

^Though I keep a tight rein on everything due to bailing him out too many times already.
He tells stupid lies.^

You should dump him just for that. Stop trying to "rescue" him from a shitty childhood, it will never work and drain you dry eventually. He is a grown man who makes his own choices. Your kids deserve better than this.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/02/2014 12:41

When I lived with my ex he would leave change and small notes lying around- I always asked if I could take it. The answer was always yes but I wouldn't have ever just taken it. If I'd taken first, I'd have told him afterwards.

If he has taken it I think it shows a lack of respect and maybe a bit of a 'take, take' mentality?? Why should he dip into your money? With no mention of replacing??

I agree that you should defo raise it before your hol
Good luck

Viviennemary · 08/02/2014 12:43

It's not just the money whether he took it or not. He sounds like very hard work indeed. I don't think I'd stay in the relationship if it was me.

serant · 08/02/2014 12:43

I feel for you & understand your dilemma.
you are right to feel hurt, are you worried if you speak to him now you will jepordise the repayment he owes you this week? & then the holiday?

serant · 08/02/2014 12:46

was the money in the jar towards the holiday spends?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 12:49

serent yes I'm worried it'll blow up no matter how hard I keep a lid on it and will jeopardise the repayment and holiday.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 12:50

As well as not wanting to be drawn in to making a snap decision until I've decided what I want to do, rather than him taking that control.

OP posts:
LittleMissGerardButlersMinion · 08/02/2014 12:51

I can completely understand you not wanting to be alone, but if you can't trust him, it doesn't matter what he is good at, because for me if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 12:52

He's been at work since 5am and he's got in and taken DC for their haircut. He is helpful in so many ways. Maybe I should put up with these minor issues and think of the bigger picture.
He's not perfect but who is. I need to decide on the balance yet can't.

OP posts:
TemperamentalAroundCorvids · 08/02/2014 12:52

How much does he owe you? Can it be that he is planning to repay his debt out of your own money?

mammadiggingdeep · 08/02/2014 13:01

I wondered that temper....

PeterAndresSprayTanner · 08/02/2014 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 13:09

It's not so much owes me, as I've paid the rent and all the bills and his debt repayment this last month and Friday is his first full monthly wage. So I don't want a situation where I have paid everything and he leaves with £1500.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 08/02/2014 13:34

So you are actually concerned that if you bring this up, he will take £1500 that is effectively yours?

AnyFucker · 08/02/2014 13:42

OP, if you stay with this guy (I don't recommend it, but hey-ho) then you have to get out of this situation where you are paying things upfront (including his debt payment..are you fucking crazy?) and he plays catchup

Can you see how month on month you will have this hanging over your head ?

he's clever this guy, isn't he ?

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 08/02/2014 13:53

Ok so I asked him and surprisingly, he admitted it. I asked him how much he took and he said £50, I told him £100 was missing he said oh he didn't realise it was so much. Yeah right. He then said he used it to get fuel to run my DC to school! I put fuel in his car. To which he replied once I put £20 in, do I really think it lasted 2 weeks?
I'm in the toilet sending this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/02/2014 13:54

You pay the bills, you pay the rent, you pay his debts, you put fuel in his car.

I am seeing a pattern here.

wyrdyBird · 08/02/2014 13:55

Uh oh....it gets worse, doesn't it, Sea.

Lies to cover lies. Careful calculated lies, testing how much you know first to see what he can get away with.

wyrdyBird · 08/02/2014 13:59

Don't fall for this either, Sea.
I won't give up on him like others did when he was a child

It's a well worn path. Many other kind and good people have trodden it, and it only leads to utter misery (yours).

OddFodd · 08/02/2014 14:01

Ditch him and get a male au pair if you're scared of being alone. It'd be cheaper